Remember children. Its your choice to eat lots of vegetables!

Since this is the post-modern world and killing giant groups of people is bad for P.R., my solution would probably be to stop people from reproducing. This would have to be done on the sly and responsibility would have to be shared or diffused. This is because democracy is slow moving and secret plans get all messed up when everybody knows too much about them. It would have to be done over time, slowly and discretely, much like gently raising the water temperature to boil a lobster.

Ah, I know what I would do. Whereas water is controlled by local municipalities, and heavily regulated, the nation’s food supply is monitored federally. I would utilize my super powers as president and get the department of agriculture and big business involved. First of all, nobody knows what in the world goes on with the department of Agriculture. Then I would get together with my illuminati buddies and suggest that they hatch out a secret plan to put an acceptable amount toxins in food in low enough parts per trillion that would eventually cause sterility in future generations. It needs to be subtle enough to ensure this generation is unknowing, but ensuing generations will be unaware until it is too late.

Now, back to the secret meetings. On the backend, lets just pretend that I learned that vegetables with recombinant genetic materials have proven to sterilize a significant amount of people. How would it be possible to ensure that the population eats these in everything?

You will enjoy this vegetably goop-de-goop.

Lets also just pretend that the Department of Agriculture gave certain farm subsidies to plants like corn and soy and a certain corporation dominated patents on seeds and pesticides that farmers were contractually obligated to purchase. Lets also pretend that the prices of these agricultural products were really cheap and could be and are used in everything.

The only way to get rich off of welfare is to be a business owner. If you networked with the government, you can leverage your profits. For instance, you may be able to influence the way the government encourages a “healthy balanced diet.” Or, you may be able to convince politicians that in fact, you are not offering pizza, but rather cheese and dough flavored vegetables in order to accept EBT (Electronics Benefit Transfer) aka SNAP aka Foodstamps.

America. Land of the Free.

We live in an abstract world. Politicians no longer have the time to read well thought out and reasoned letters, rather they gauge their constituent opinions based on hashtag searches and statistical data. People can show political will and strength by voting with their wallets. Since many people don’t have any money, it is still possible to let your politicians know that you don’t approve of the secret plans to reduce fertility rates. It’s getting expensive to shop organic but we can level the playing field for hard working organic farmers by providing them with a subsidy. Why not go on food stamps to subsidize organic food purchases? We’re entitled to it.

The test tube burger probably tops the list of nasty, disgusting foods that shouldn’t exist in any universe, on any planet. How does it work? 20,000 tiny strands of beef muscle tissue are grown in a laboratory and then mashed together to create a single Frankenburger.

The meat is apparently produced in “huge vats” in a lab in the Netherlands, and everything about that makes it sound even more nightmarish and like eating this might start slowly transforming you into a cow-beast.

The burger will be introduced to the world at a London event one month from now; will people love the meat strand pie or is this meaty monster destined to fail?

A close second and another nasty food that shouldn’t exist is Casu Marzu, a type of cheese. But this isn’t any cheese. This is a special cheese. This cheese will dance for you.

Casu Marzu is so nasty that it’s actually been outlawed for being absolutely fucking gross. The special — and especially nauseating — quality of Casu Marzu is that inside its pasty white shell squirms hundreds of maggots just waiting to be eaten up by you, a person who loves the slippery, fatty juice they create in this repulsive delicacy.

Chewing on live maggots, fat juice and old cheese sounds like enough to make even hardened Fear Factor contestants shit their pants, but would you rather eat a donkey dick? Like, if it were a life or death situation. If you had to choose between Casu Marzu and roasted donkey dick, which would you choose?

Donkey dick is apparently big in China, where eating the dicks of other animals is also common. Instead of trying to pen one of a billion ‘dick eating dick lovers’ jokes, I’ll just say this: my biggest problem with eating the dick isn’t eating the dick, but the fact that no one has made the slightest effort to alter the dick’s appearance before cooking and serving it. If I’m eating dick, “insert joke about unwillingly making an accidental beastiality porn in front of the whole restaurant.”

I’m not limiting this nasty food to just donkey dick, but include all animal dicks and testicles in this item. Boys are bad enough; the last thing I want to do is chew on a dead thing’s genitals.

Moving onto the next nasty food that shouldn’t exist, I present to you Lutefisk. If dicks and maggoty cheese wasn’t bad enough, what if your “eat this or die” options included a fish that was soaked in lye for over a week before making its way to your plate?

Lye is used as a weed killer, a drain cleaner, and even in the process of manufacturing biodiesel. It also transforms Lutefisk into a yummy treat that looks like a dirty slushy and will apparently not mush your insides up into a soup.

Our last terrible and nasty food that shouldn’t exist doesn’t have to be cooked, preserved, or grown in a laboratory to gross you out. Although completely natural, Durian fruits apparently smell worse than your turd-encrusted underwear after a long weekend playing Skyrim in the basement. With no air conditioner. When it’s 100 degrees outside. And for all intents and purposes, you’re obese in this little fantasy scenario.

The Durian is so smelly, “No Durian” signs hang in the lobbies of upscale hotels and throughout Singapore’s public train system. But despite smelling bad enough to literally make it into the news, Durians are supposed to be sweet and delicious. You just have to conquer an extremely strong urge to vomit in order to get there.

Although, we’re kind of wondering if the mom got replaced by a model

If you want to date someone who smokes less weed, date someone who smokes less weed. Don’t come in and start trying to rearrange shit; don’t touch her bong unless you’re going to smoke it.

Sharing is caring; being a leech is not. Don’t smoke all of her weed or come over for blunts and Netflix movies empty handed. If she’s supplying, at least offer to contribute money. Weed doesn’t grow off of dredlocks.

You don’t need to keep up. She probably doesn’t give a shit; she’s high as hell. If you dislike smoking weed or just can’t handle doing it often, don’t feel pressured to try and match her iron lungs. Forcing yourself to smoke when you don’t want to is most likely to bring out your awkward, uncomfortable, I’m-too-fucking-high-for-this-oh-god-am-I-acting-weird side. This makes everyone uncomfortable, including the girl who will be wishing you hadn’t smoked at all when you’re passed out and drooling on yourself.

On weed related gifts: tread carefully. Nothing with a pot leaf branded onto it, please. If the girl you’re dating is unfortunately into pot leaf logos (and possibly an ICP fan), you still should not buy her anything with a pot leaf on it. Don’t encourage her. Unless you’re both being ironic, in which case I still hate you.

If you’re still in the early stages of a relationship with this stoney girl but still want to get her a gift, a small glass bowl that she can bring with her when she must leave the weed cave of her house is always cute, lighthearted and appropriate.

If you act cool, everything will be cool, man.

And Beyonce must be a robot from the future. That explains so much.