Click the photo for 7 famous movie flaws that were explained in deleted scenes.

Here is a little nugget of info that you probably don’t care to know but I’m in a sharing mood so just play along and listen; I don’t watched any of the extras on DVDs. I don’t care to. The movie is good enough for my entertainment. I don’t finish reading a book and think “man, I wish the author included all the crap he didn’t want published into the book.” That doesn’t make any sense. Plus, the Cat in the Hat was good enough. Suess didn’t need to add the chapter back in about the kids playing doctor with the neighbor Mr. Swanson. “The cat is in my pants kids. See if you can catch him.”

Tons of deleted scenes on the EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links

Boys and their toys. Usually those toys are of the gadget and car variety. Girls and their toys. Guns. Cold steel. Heavy metal. Blow your face off if you make a wise comment. People think of guns as being sexy but when you put them in the hands of hot chicks they rise to a whole other level.

Here is a gallery of women packing heat…in more ways than one.

Does everyone here remember that funny ass Keanu Reeves meme that took place a few months ago?  You know the one where he looks kind of sad and people made all these ridiculous photoshops of him being sad all over the place?  Well recently someone selected a very funny picture of Leonardo DiCaprio in a post where it appears he’s skipping and he’s very very happy.

While it might not get the same acclaim is the Reeves meme, it’s certainly worthy enough of a post on this site.  I’ve selected around 25 of what I think are the best pictures of the bunch.  I mean we all know Leo’s got a lot to be happy about anyway, I just didn’t know he’d even be happy in Nazi Germany.

Check out Leo just being happy everywhere

There are some things you should know that even the best reporter or paparazzi can’t get out of celeb. It’s in those cases it’s best to just make stuff up based on nothing. It’s a hell of a lot more fun anyway.

So, let’s just make it up. Pretend to know things about celebs that we couldn’t possibly know, or couldn’t possibly be true or real. At least we hope they aren’t true.

Here are 20 things you should think you know about the mega-music star, the bubble outfit wearing and rumored hermaphrodite Lady Gaga.

1. Likes to stand close to a fan and talk into it to hear her voice. Thinks that’s how they do auto-tuning.
2. Has 6 million Twitter followers. No joke here, just a shudder up the spine.
3. Doesn’t really have a favorite font and will thank you kindly for not pushing the issue.
4. Once attended a Halloween party dressed as Bull from Night Court.
5. Chews on butter when she is nervous.

6. Masturbates to Cigar Aficionado magazine.
7. Thinks QVC is a 24-hour reality show about clothes.
8. Shops for award show outfits at Home Depot.
9. Musical inspirations include Queen, David Bowie, the Free Credit Report band and every artist on the Jock Jams 1 CD.
10. Born in 1986 the Chinese year of the “untalented Italian broad”.
11. Learned to read from Ikea assembly instructions.
12. You try tucking a penis into those costumes.

13. Straightenin’ the curves, flattenin’ the hills….Someday the mountain might get ‘em but the law never will.
14. Before settling on Lady Gaga, her possible stage name ideas included Queen Tune, Twat Glitter, Misses Manicotti and Sam Bodine.
15. Is writing a novel about bundt cakes.
16. Deathly afraid of Smurfs.
17. Hates the word “moist”.
18. Auditioned for the part of B.A. Baracus in the A-Team movie.
19. Noticed the difference when they replaced the fine coffee she usually drinks with Folgers Crystals.
20. She’s got a Butter Face a bu-bu-bu Butter Face.

Honestly I’m not shocked. Wait, I take that back. I am shocked. I’m shocked it took this long. I’m shocked this didn’t happen years ago.

I’m shocked that people don’t get married in a Wal-Mart once a week.

To that end, don’t think of this couple marrying at Walmart as cheap or redneck; think of them as trendy. They’re ahead of the curve. Not only do they get to recite their vows in their favorite store, but they can get an eye exam, “professional” wedding portraits and a large basket of nachos on the way out. That’s not trashy — it’s just good sense!

It’s actually part of a larger trend called “retail weddings” where people get married in their favorite stores. Perhaps they met in the store or plan on dying their together after a couple bags of stale Funyons.

Instead of getting married in a church or banquet hall, more couples are choosing their favorite retail spots as the backdrop for their special day. The shops range from T.J. Maxx to Taco Bell, and they all combine the couple’s love for a brand with a desire to have a wedding with a personal twist, says Rebecca Dolgin, executive editor of theknot.com.

I’d attend a wedding in a Wal-Mart. I’d grab a gift off the registry when I got into the store, grab some food in-between the ceremony and reception at the Subway and pick up a cheap aluminum t-ball bat in sporting goods to beat the bride and groom to death for being so trashy.

Save Money. Live Better. Die At My Hands In The Automotive Department. Wal-Mart.

Save Money, Live Better. Marry at Wal-Mart – [Wedinator]
Retail wedding trend leads to “I do’s” at T.J. Maxx, Taco Bell – [USA Today]

Hell when reality TV is getting it’s own categories at the Emmy Awards you know it’s found its place on American television.  It’s not a matter of whether or not reality TV is here to stay, it’s a matter of how ludicrous shows can get these days.

And with all of these wacky ideas coming to the table, we need psycho people to support them and star in these shows.  Well, there are plenty out there and today we’ll be focusing on the females.  But these chicks aren’t just psycho.  They’re horrible.  Absolutely atrocious and frankly shouldn’t be on television at all.

Here are the most useless women on reality TV….

Any of the Real Housewives of NJ

I mean is this really a show?  Really?  At least get some hot chicks in there will you?  Please?  All the plastic surgery in the world isn’t going to get rid of the train wrecks that are these women.   I simply cannot understand why America won’t just turn off the television when these women come anywhere near it.   Not one of them is smart and not one of them is attractive.

Khloe Kardashian

How in the hell does this one get any attention.  Maybe if we put her into a lesbian scene with her twin Chyna I would have interest.  Which brings up another thing.  Lamar Odom.  Are you serious man?  What the hell is wrong with you dude?

Kate Gosselin

How her or her husband had any kind of attention let alone careers is 100% beyond me.  I think every single bad thing that ever happens to these people is well deserved.

Megan Hauserman

Look, Megan is very hot and I like hot chicks.  Don’t get me wrong.  But she had to be on this list simply because she doesn’t deserve her own show.  Maybe if she masturbated the entire time I would tune it.  Girls like Megan need to be taken in doses.  I mean I guess she’s not completely useless but for God’s sake she doesn’t need her own show.

Bristol Palin

I have nothing but contempt for Bristol Palin.  I’m Jewish so I’m already guessing I wouldn’t have a prayer at even talking to her in person.  Second of all, does she even mother her baby?  Like at all?  Hell how could she?  She’s too busy dancing with the stars.  Ba dum ching.   This girl sucks and she’s not even good looking!

Octomom

Just save me the time and put a bullet in my mouth will ya?

Angelina on Jersey Shore

God her face is disgusting.  And talk about someone who brings absolutely nothing to the table.  At least Snookie is an idiot and funny.  JWow kicks ass and I like seeing Ronnie shit on Sam this whole time.  Angelina is worthless and disgusting.

Heidi Montag

20 bucks says she comes out about being a man within one year.  That or she’ll have a penis implanted.

Omarossa

Kill me.  Seriously.  Kill me.

This week, Conan O’Brien announced the name of his new TBS talk show. Conan. No real shocker. As for what’s in store when the season kicks off in November, it’s still anyone’s guess.

What we do know for sure is that it will be funny. It will get a huge first week audience. It will have people either condemning or praising it much too soon. It will need time to truly mature, much like Late Night did before it. That doesn’t mean Conan shouldn’t do some nutty stuff in the first few episodes.

Here are a few suggestions, some absurd and sour grapes and some legit, about things Conan can do on his new show to really make his mark early in the war with the other late night shows.

Have a Tonight Show Funeral

A popular move by Howard Stern in his heyday, Stern would hold a mock funeral for the reigning morning show host in every new market he entered. Conan should have a viewing and funeral for the old Tonight Show. Invite old guests to come by and give eulogies about the show. Make everyone dress in black. Have an open casket in the studio and let the studio audience walk by and pay their respects. Inside the casket is, of course, the Chin.

Create a Character Called “Chin”

The Chin will be loosely based on Leno. He is a character that never goes away when he says he will and shows up each time in a different classic car. He delivers a terrible stand-up act and laughs like…well you get the point here.The running joke will be that the Chin is in the studio for an hour before the show starts but no one was watching so he come back when the show starts. Sound familiar?

Blatantly Steal Every Tonight Show Sketch

This is a double idea; first, take every funny sketch he did during his stint on the Tonight Show and bring it over to the new show. Even if it’s own by NBC. Screw it. Change it just enough to be different. Also, take every idea that Leno does and do it in a mocking style. Instead of “Jay Walking” do “Conan Walking” where the people on the street get every question correct. Show newspaper headlines that are either correct or obviously fictional. Beat Leno at his own game. The game of creative theft.

Introduce Edgier People To America

TBS will probably give Conan a little bit longer of a leash in terms of what he can and can’t get away with considering this is basic cable. This is the perfect opportunity to introduce America to some comics and musical acts that might not have gone over as well on the hallowed ground/stage of the Tonight Show. I’m sure Conan will invite Reggie Watts, the comedian that opened for Conan during his traveling show, to be one of the first comics on the show. America is in for a…well let’s call it a treat and see how it all works out.

Embrace The Internet As Much As Possible

It’s a concept that Jimmy Fallon does to an extent but still hasn’t been able to explore fully. Conan should do things for the show that are internet only. If a guest is on, cut a segment with him/her that’s only available on the show’s website. Maybe a sketch or a musical number or something to create a buzz online and make the content shareable. It will drive new people to watch the show on TV if they find the online material that hysterical. “If this is what they are putting online I must be missing some hysterical segments each night”.

Encourage His Writers To Push The Envelope

In a fascinating article in the August issue of GQ magazine, former Tonight Show writer Todd Levin talked about what it was like during those eight months on the Tonight show and how the writers couldn’t really do some of the sketches and explore some of the topics they could when Conan was on at 12:35. The material didn’t really play well to the typical Tonight Show crowd. That’s what the network said. There is nothing worse than setting perimeters on creative people. In his new show, Conan should let the writers loose. No topic taboo. If something doesn’t go over well, who cares. If the network gets their suits in a bind, big deal. When you get screwed out the biggest job in entertainment, there is really nothing left to lose that a person could care that much about.

Bring Parts Of His Traveling Show To TV

Conan’s “Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television” traveling show got rave reviews from countless people and was probably the hottest ticket in entertainment this past spring/summer. Not just because of the whole NBC screw-job and people wanting to support Conan but because it was unlike the regular talk show format. Conan should really break the typical mold and bring the unpredictability of the traveling show to the small screen. Unannounced celeb guests, random goof ball segments and odd moments that made the stage show such a success.

Destroy Leno

On behalf of all of us, please put him out to pasture. We are all with you Coco.

Click the photo to read the upside of being homeless.

Pictures like the one above crack me up. Not because of the sign. People look at the sign and go “oh that’s hysterical for a homeless guy” as if you can’t be funny and not have a dime to your name. I laugh at the idea that a funny person can’t be homeless. There are plenty of funny people without a pot to piss in. Actually, I know several people that are doing exceptionally well and still don’t have a pot to piss in because of the fact no one owns piss pots anymore. Except funny homeless guys. It all comes full circle.

Tons of funny people hang out on the EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links

Jessica Alba Unleashes The Sexy – [Popoholic]
Five Celebrities Who Should Find a Chauffeur – [The Smoking Jacket]
The Cutest Girl You Will See Today, Guaranteed! – [Caveman Circus]
The Worst Board Game of All Time – [Cracked]
The Risky Part of Online Dating – [Uncoached]
Meet The Hometown Hotties Finalists – [Maxim]
Top 10: Most Overused Poker Terms – [Heavy]
69-Year-Old Grandma Shoots Intruder With Her .38 Special – [The Frisky]
Blake Lively Epic Cleavage Pics– [Celeb Jihad]
Grandpa Fight! – [Double Viking]
My Daddy Taught Me Good – [Manofest]
31 Hot Chick Photos To Help Create Your Own College Motivational Posters – [Busted Coverage]
Top Ten Lay’s Flavors in China – [Gunaxin]
Michael Bay Places $50k Bounty On Head Of Puppy-Thrower – [Screen Junkies]
Smoking Baby. Such a Quitter – [Noob Dad]

Click the photo for some not-so-great moments in text messaging.

There are countless stories about text messaging going horribly wrong. Take the above image as an example. There have to be instances where text messages sent by mistake actually made for an even better situation. For example, sexting the wrong person and they are actually into it. It has to have happened. If not, I’m going to try it. I’ll start from the top of my phone list and work down. First message goes to Aunt Emma. What’s the text abbreviation for anal?

Sext as much as you want on the EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links

It seems like anything painted on a wall without the permission of the proper authority is considered “graffiti”. It’s a shame because some of it could really be considered art. Especially anything done by the amazing talent known only as Banksy. Banksy is the pseudonym of a prolific British graffiti artist, political activist and painter. His identity is unconfirmed but his work is unmistakable.

His work, while illegal, is known around the world and art auctioneers have been known to attempt to sell his street art on location. The problem of its removal is left in the hands of the winning bidder.

Here is a gallery of some of Banksy’s best work.

I take a quote from one of the best characters in action movie history:  “Everything moves in cycles, so twice a century the ocean let’s us know just how small we really are.”  Yes sir, Bodhi from Point Break had it right with this line.  Only I’m not just talking about the ocean here.   I’m talking about mother nature in general.

Rarely do we ever appreciate how small we are in comparison to the environment above and below us.  But once in a while we’re reminded of how scary mother nature can be and how easily she can wipe us out if she wanted to.

Here are some pictures to help remind you that nature can get pretty angry, and when it does it looks pretty cool.

See You In Ten speculates on where some of the young, up-and-coming stars of Hollywood will be ten years from now. Will they be a megastar and household name or irrelevant, out of the public eye and possibly six feet under?

Today’s Subject- Demi Lovato

How she got here: Just like last week’s subject Selena Gomez, Lovato got her start on Barney & Friends. She is best known for her roles as Mitchie Torres in the Disney Channel Original Movie, Camp Rock and its upcoming sequel, Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam, and as Sonny Munroe in Sonny With a Chance.

What she is going now: There is a reason many people get Lovato confused with the other Disney star Gomez. They are living almost the same life, except Lovato seems to be the “bad girl” to Gomez’s angelic image. Both have been linked to Jonas Brothers, both have successful singing careers (Lovato has two top selling albums) and both have philanthropic interests. Lovato is the face of a national campaign that empowers teenagers to take action in their communities and is involved in many eco-friendly campaigns.

See you in ten: Things are not looking promising in the personal life of a such a young girl. There are rumors of drug use and admissions that she is a cutter. Of course, there is a chance to straighten out, considering she is just 18-years-old. Although, starting this young will probably lead to a good 5-7 years of tabloid headlines, a couple run-ins with the law and possibly a stint in rehab or jail. Could we be witness to another Lohan? Predictions are in ten years she will be making her comeback. From what, well, that could be interesting to see.

Ever watch a slasher horror flick where the people are getting chased and run into an abandoned amusement park or carnival and think to yourself “how the hell does that place get abandoned without people complaining it should be knocked down?” It’s taking up miles of valuable land. Are those corn dogs still good? Stop and eat a corn dog. It can’t kill you, you’re going to die in a minute anyway. A spoiled corn dog is a better way to bite it than getting your nuts severed by a kid you teased in grade school.

Is it possible for an entire amusement park to sit abandoned for years and years? Yes. Especially in still-not-fully-recovered from Katrina New Orleans.

When Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005, one of its victims was Six Flags New Orleans, which was flooded for a month after the storm. The park has been closed indefinitely since then, but urban explorers will still venture in. Flickr user Brynne has captured dozens of shots of the rundown park, which opened in 2000 as Jazzland.

The Flickr stream of photos is fascinatingly cool and creepy and the reports from park visitors is just as intriguing.

We took a gamble and decided to go. Only, to our surprise, it was relatively easy to get in, completely vacant of any guards or watchmen, and we were pleasantly greeted by two other groups of young guys who were just exploring the park for fun. We stayed for a couple of hours and had a blast. It was an unusual feeling being in an entire rotting amusement park (almost) completely alone

I’m sure once Six Flags gets wind of the situation they’ll close the place up tighter than Demi Lavato’s taint but until then, if you’re in the area, sneak inside and have a look around.

Watch out for the dude hiding in the bushes. He remembers who you are and other plans for where to put that corn dog.

The hurricane-damaged remains of Six Flags New Orleans – [IO9]

Considering that Paris Hilton is in a whole heap of trouble it’s time for us to up it a notch here on EgoTV.  Remember the last time Paris was in jail?  I’m not sure if most of you do because news travels way to fast and we forget about things in about 2 seconds.

However, if any of you do you might recall that people were making fun of her quite a bit.  And if she goes to jail again?  It’s gonna be the same deal.  So while we wait for the next batch of Paris Hilton making fun of stuff, here’s a look at some of the classics.

P.S.  Way to go Paris!  You’ve been out of the spotlight for too long.  Anyone think she did this on purpose?  It’s very possible.

Enjoy the vids….

Paris Hilton in Jail

www.youtube.com/watch?v=k66epna2Sss

I find it pretty comical that this came out three years ago and Paris could very likely end up in jail again,and this time for a long time.  But for obvious sexy ass reasons I had to post this.  I hope this chick takes over the Paris label when the real one is doing rails in prison.

Weird Al Parody

www.youtube.com/watch?v=I063gDO3Aoc

I mean it’s Weird Al.  How could I NOT post this?  Guy is awesome.

Faux Interview

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZ5q_d-lTGI

Even though I hate, and I mean truly hate Jay Leno you have to admit this is awesome.

See Paris Die

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BKdWBQ84pE

This is the only decent cartoon I could find. It’s not bad.  Not great, but not bad.

See Paris Fall of a Horse

www.youtube.com/watch?v=d04RZdWOeuU

Now this is just damned funny, period.

After Jail on David Letterman

www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV3BfrHA9H4

What a whore.  Letterman is awesome by the way.

Birthdays are an odd event. It’s celebrating the day you popped out of your mom’s crotch while celebrating another year closer to the long sweet dirt nap. Let’s see Hallmark put that on a card.

September 1 was the birthday of TV’s Dr. Phil. While we all count it as a year closer to death for the giant douche-pocket, Dr. Phil decided to celebrate his big 60th by throwing his own surprise party. Fine. Still a douche-pocket but the birthday party move is a ridiculously smart idea. I’m giving him a standing slow clap right now. I’m lying, I’m typing this blog, but I’m slow clapping in my mind.

Throwing yourself a surprise birthday party should be an every year idea. Here are six reasons why…

It’s Ballsy

There is something to be said about a man that a) throws his own birthday party and b) calls it a surprise. It shows he really doesn’t give a crap what other people think and that ultimately he is the most important person in his world. Imagine being so cocksure of yourself you actually think you can surprise yourself with your own party. If you pull it off, you’re a genius. If you ruin the surprise, you’re actually a double genius for outsmarting yourself. I have no idea what any of that even means.

It avoids terribly planned birthday parties

For a number of years, you’ve made the mistake of letting other people plan your birthday affairs. As a kid, your mother threw parties that involved themes you grew out of a year earlier (remember your freshman year Spider-Man party?), you’ve let girlfriends try and organize birthday parties (that ended up being her friends at her favorite place) and even let buddies throw a shindig or two (warm beer and cold Tastykakes) so why not plan something you know you’ll enjoy. Surprise! Strippers in thongs at the KFC!

You control the guest list

People assume every party is a “bring your own guest” affair. Too many birthdays have been spent chatting up people you don’t know who don’t even realize you’re the reason everyone is out celebrating. Grab a pencil, lick the tip, and jot this down; no tools, no friends of friends, no coworkers you hate, no family you want to disown. “Let me check the list. Nope. You’re not on it. Please leave KFC immediately and don’t look at any strippers on your way out.”

Location, location, location

All chicken joint places aside, if you plan your own surprise party, you’re in complete control of the venue. You can pick a bar you’ve always wanted to get table service in or a club that welcomes a large crowd of thirsty birthday party people. The only opinion that matters is yours. The best place to hold the party is in your pants. Ladies only. Lord knows you’ve got enough room in there, especially in the crotch area.

Surprise! People will tolerate your crap

When you send out the Evite or spend the money on regular snail mail invites, and announce it’s a surprise party thrown by the guest of honor, the people in your life will fall into two groups; the group that laughs and RSVPs a YES and the group that thinks you’re a jackass and doesn’t show. It’s been a long time coming. You’ve need to weed out your friends and acquaintances for some time. This made it easy. Speaking of those no-shows.

Here is to absent friends…f*ck ‘em!

It’s your birthday. If you’re lucky you get about 60 good ones. Make the best of them by doing whatever the hell you want on the day of your birth. You know who else threw a massive surprise party on his birthday? The baby Jesus. Guess how many people showed? Besides his parents and random farm animals, just three guys on camels. They all brought gifts. And what happened to those fellas? We still talk about them to this day. Especially the cheap bastard that brought myrrh.

Click the photo to read about the seven people who will ruin your quick trip to the store.

I’m a victim of Murphy’s Law so often the next time I see Murphy on the street I’m going to punch him in his fat whore mouth. If I’m in a hurry, the grocery store is mobbed, like the world is ending and everyone needs Nilla Wafers and seltzer. If I’ve got nothing better to do, the store is a ghost town. I’ve figured out a remedy to my problem. I make sure I never have anything to do. I don’t go to work, parties, social functions or anything that involves a specific time of arrival. I’m never in a hurry any more. I’ll just sit here a little longer and ponder the miracle that is Instant Oats.

Take your sweet ass time browsing the EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links

Holy Blake Lively Super Cleavage Batman! – [Popoholic]
A Hearty Helping Of Katy Perry Pictures – [Caveman Circus]
6 Famous Unsolved Mysteries (That Have Totally Been Solved) – [Cracked]
Japanese Men Going on Real Life Dates with Virtual Women – [Uncoached]
The Briefcase Bar – [Maxim]
Conan O’Brien Announces Name Of New Show – [Heavy]
We Get It, Demi Moore Still Looks Hot In A Bikini – [The Frisky]
Cheryl Tweedy Official 2011 Calendar – [Celeb Jihad]
Awesome Tollywood Action Scene – [Double Viking]
Death Metal Camels – [Manofest]
Rick’s Cabaret Ladies Offering A’s Pitcher Brett Anderson Special Night If He Beats Yanks – [Busted Coverage]
The Truth About Facebook – [Manofest]
Ten TV Shows You Never Knew Existed – [Gunaxin]
Deep-Fried Beer: The Future Is Now – [Holy Taco]

Click the photo for some famous photos with a little bit of recasting.

Did you ever look at an old picture you’ve seen a million times before but the last time you noticed something in the background that you’d never seen before and really don’t remember being there ever. It’s even spookier when your in the picture. Was there always a huge lump behind the curtains in this picture? It looks like someone is hiding behind the curtains. Was there someone hiding behind the curtains? We did get robbed like a week after this picture was taken. Could that be the rob…OH MY GOD DID I REALLY WEAR THAT SHIRT AND THOSE SHOES!!

Nothing is picture perfect on the EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links

There is an expression used by people that still remember the Great Depression and it’s something like “you’ll catch more bees with honey’ as opposed to using a double barrel shotgun or other hotter bees with big stingers. It’s the corny way of saying “more people will pay attention if you do something original” and even if it doesn’t mean that I’m going to pretend it does because this is my G.D. blog.

For Sale signs. See one on the road and you’d probably ignore it. Unless it was funny. Then you’d pay attention. Will you purchase? Probably not, but at least you read the damn sign.

Here are some funny For Sale signs that got enough attention that someone took a picture and posted it online.

For those of you unaware of this amazing tradition, every single year in Spain thousands of people gather in the streets of Valencia for what is the largest Tomato fight in the world.    It is called “Tomatina” and it draws people from all over the world.  Here are a few stats on the beloved tradition.

Approximately 20,000–50,000 tourists descend on Buñol every year, multiplying by several times Buñol’s normal population of slightly over 9,000. There are limited accommodations for people who come to La Tomatina, and thus many participants stay in Valencia and travel by bus or train to Buñol, about 38 km outside the city. In preparation for the dirty mess that will ensue, shopkeepers use huge plastic covers on their storefronts. The festival uses about 150,000 tomatoes, or just about 90,000 pounds

Now that’s a shit load of tomatoes.  Personally I enjoy this “holiday” because it allows us to see hot chicks get really wet and red.  I mean as long as you don’t get all Carrie and such it’s kind of cool.

Enjoy the Tomatina Gallery

There is a reason they are called fads. It’s because they disappeared just as quickly as they blew up in popularity. One minute everyone in the world wants one and the next you’re getting mocked for still having one. Always seemingly like a good idea at the time, in retrospect, they were pretty damn pointless.

Today’s Fad: The Starter Jacket

Another Bad Creation. Refering to the jackets and the group.

Worn by almost every grade school kid in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s, the Starter jacket was more about fashion, style and color than about sports or team allegiance. “I just like the Charlotte Hornets as a team color. As a basketball organization that suck.”

Here are some quick facts you might not have knows about the Starter jacket.

Starter was once the favored apparel of the sports world, having exclusive contracts with the NFL and MLB. A favorite among players because of their deep pockets to hide steroid paraphernalia.

As coverage of national sports leagues on cable television expanded, Starter’s bright, flashy team jackets became status symbols among kids. So much of a status symbol that they got people killed.

Starter secured placements of its clothing on popular television shows such as The Fresh Price of Bel Air, Seinfeld, In Living Color, and Roseanne, and in the films Sleepless in Seattle and White Men Can’t Jump. Using sports figures, Starter advertised heavily on the ESPN and MTV, as well as in trade publications, magazines, newspapers, and outdoor advertising.

“No one ever bought a Starter Jacket because it was the warmest jacket out there,” explains a retailer, “They bought it because it was a cool brand.” This writer can attest to that, having froze my ass off in a Giants starter jacket in the winters of 1989 through 1991.

One of these men is incredibly talented and the other is Will Smith

Within two years, Starter’s net sales nearly doubled to $356 million. The company went public on the New York Stock Exchange in April of 1993, earning an estimated $98 million. Most of that money coming from the sales of Chicago Bulls and Los Angeles Raiders jackets bought by non-area fans and anyone looking to break into gangsta rap.

Usually went well with a hat like this…

Throwback jerseys are to the first few years of the 21st century what Starter jackets were in the late 1980s and what a pair of Air Jordans were in the early 1990s. — By Michael Wilbon, February 6, 2003

Starter declared bankruptcy in 1999, and was purchased for $46 million by a consortium led by Value City. Nothing good could ever be led by Value City.

This article makes me feel so much better about my golf game. According to the way this guy plays, if you swing and miss at a ball it counts as a stroke and then a 12-acre fire. My problem has been I wait until AFTER my round to set my clubs, bag and golf equipment on fire.

Forget “Fore!” “Fire!” was the cry of the day for a golfer whose off-target swing sparked a 12-acre blaze in Southern California. The golfer at the Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine landed a shot in the rough Saturday. On his next swing, his club snagged a rock, causing a spark that lit the rough ablaze and eventually attracted 150 firefighters to the scene.

The last time a golfer was this hot it was the great Tiger Woods. He took a gonorrhea-laced piss in the bushes at the Barclays last week. Took three cocktail waitresses and two drivers to the face to get it all under control. Not sure how they put out the fire though.

No charges were filed against the golfer, whose name was withheld.

Going to tell people I started the blaze.

Friend: “How did you shoot last week?”
Me: “I was on fire. Literally. Flames up to my balls. My putter went stiff. I’ve got hundreds of golf and fire puns, you might want to walk away now.”

Golfer’s swing snags rock, sparks fire in S. Calif – [Yahoo! News]

The transformation for Tiger into full out bachelorhood is nearly complete with his recent Manhattan purchase.  Now Mr. Woods can flaunt his shit around the city that never sleeps.  Oh and it’s gonna happen in a big way.  You think that sex therapy is gonna be helpful in the most busy city in America with virtually unlimited funds?

The only worse situation I can think of for Tiger is if he moved to Vegas.  Other than that, New York is pretty awful.  God I wish I were part of whatever entourage he’s gonna form.   Just to get a head count of the chicks he’s going to slay would be a job in itself.  Oh the stories.

Here are five things that Tiger Woods will inevitably do in Manhattan

Become BFF’s with  A-Rod

Can’t you just see this happening?  I mean you’re talking about a guy who was sexually repressed until he became a golfing phenomenon.  This is a guy who probably never, ever got laid until Nike came along.  Now that he’s single and in the city?  A-Rod will be the first guy he calls.  I would say Derek Jeter but Tiger’s too much of a dork for Jetes.   A-Rod is perfect.

Make a Room Called “The Hole in One”

I’m guessing he doesn’t exactly have a small place in Manhattan.  I’m sure there are ample rooms but I’m guessing he’ll make one called “The Hole in One” which will feature sex toys that have a golf motif.  His “driver” will be the prized tool for the ladies.

Eat a Ton of Sushi…and Some Raw Fish

Tiger is going to embrace his Asian roots and take down every single Sushi waitress he can get his hands on.  He’ll have easy pickens as there is a Sushi restaurant every other block in Manhattan.

Oh You’ll Catch him at a Peep Show

Late night?  This WILL happen.  Tiger is a sexually obsessive guy.  Now that he’ll be out and about at like 4 am?  You can bet he’ll stop into a shady place to drop his quarter in the slot.   I would say that he’ll frequent strip clubs and all but that’ll be covered with A-Rod.

He’ll Shoplift for Small Items

Remember when you were a kid and used to steal candy from stores?  I know I’m guilty of this.  Tiger never really had a childhood so he’s gonna make up for lost time trying to pull petty crimes in convenient stores.

Paris Hilton has a last name that translates loosely into “Get Out Of Jail Free”. She will get off from the latest run in with the law. It’s the life of the famous and loaded. She has no idea what life is like as a normal human. She has lived a life of privilege.

It’s fun to imagine Paris as one of us peons. Taking the train into work. Having to wait in line at a fast food joint. Having to actually meet with a dealer to buy drugs in a shady part of town. Worrying about things like medical coverage and a 401k. It’s a bike race right? No. I’m screwed.

What would Paris be doing (maybe the better question is who) if she weren’t a member of the Hilton family? Here are a six good guesses.

Working retail

Is there anything Paris is really qualified to do that would count as a job in the real world? Partying isn’t a job. Going to premieres and red carpets isn’t a job. Getting busted for blow isn’t a job even though Paris is turning it into a career. Her only chance to make money (besides working the pole — no the other pole. With the baby oil on it. Yeah, I can see how that wouldn’t make things clearer in this instance) is to work in a woman’s clothing store. Probably some place like Forever 21 where the women just walk around with walkie talkies and discuss lunch options. “Sorry lady, we don’t have your size in the back, because I know for a fact we are all out of the size ‘obese’. Excuse me, my Sbarro’s is here.”

Less successful sex tapes

There is no doubt that Paris would have the same appetite for sex (with many different men) as she does now so why wouldn’t there be a Paris sex tape if she was just your Average Joe Blow (that would also be her nickname among coworkers)? If anything, the tape would be even more explicit because she isn’t the heir to a hotel fortune. One Night In Paris and all it cost was dinner. At Arby’s.

In jail for her third drug related offense

Paris without the last name Hilton would not have been busted for this past cocaine possession because she’d still be in jail for the original offense. And not those country club type facilities but a real woman’s prison where they send actual criminals and tape Cinemax movies. She probably couldn’t afford a lawyer on retail and bartending salary. Unless she convinced an attorney to take the case Pro Boner. Nope, meant to spell it like that.

Working nights as a shot girl at a bar

Paris would make the perfect bar shot girl; she is tall, thin, shaped like a shot glass vile and attractive enough that the fact she has asked you thirteen times if you want a watered down shot won’t seem as annoying. She’d also be great at that “buy me a shot along with your friends” trick that many of the girls have mastered. Kool-Aid shots with a drop of vodka for everyone!

Still on Myspace

Facebook doesn’t seem like Paris’ scene. Not enough individuality. Not enough space to add pictures of Strawberry Shortcake with the words “Original Hottie” bedazzled above her head. A normal Paris would still be on MySpace, unable to say goodbye to her thousands of “friends” and hundreds of guys trying to via for her affection with Direct Message penis pics.

Raising the kids of a rich husband

Paris might have stayed out of trouble without the famous hotel name and just found herself some rich sugar daddy to give her all the money and status a kept woman could ever ask for in life. Probably a much older man. How did the happy couple meet? He came into Forever 21 looking for a gift for his wife at the time.

Click the photo to read about a dude that built his own lightsaber.

Guy builds his own lightsaber. Impressive. What’s his day job? If he does something even more important with his time and talents I’ll be incredibly forgiving of his extra curricular activity. If he spends his days stacking CDs at Best Buy or waitering at Don Pablo’s I’m gonna have to ask to see the lightsaber to shove it up his Dark Side.

People with real hobbies (and jobs) enjoy the EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links

Jessica Alba Gets Sexy (And Nervous) For Letterman – [Popoholic]
Facebook Brings Out The Best In Girls – [Caveman Circus]
Ballbreaker: Phuong Nguyen – [The Smoking Jacket]
8 Hilariously Failed Attempts to Use CGI in Political Ads – [Cracked]
Grand Theft Auto 4 Remade as a First Person Shooter – [Uncoached]
Dana White Given Invitation From Oxford To Speak – [Heavy]
The Wide World of Crazy – [Maxim]
Reason #1,321 We’re Glad The ‘90s Are Over – [The Frisky]
Taylor Lautner Responds To Push Up Challenge – [Celeb Jihad]
Car Jumps Car During Race – [Double Viking]
Death Metal Camels – [Manofest]
Rick’s Cabaret Ladies Offering A’s Pitcher Brett Anderson Special Night If He Beats Yanks – [Busted Coverage]
I’m Sorry Governor, Could You Repeat That? – [Manofest]
New Type of Racing? Three-Minute Wet and Wild Ride on Inflatable Women – [Pedal to the Metal]
Switzerland: Home Of The Drive Thru Sex Box – [Holy Taco]

Click the photo for the 18 most absurd movie sex scenes.

Unless it’s porn, there is really no reason for movie sex scenes. Strike that. Unless it involves nudity from a yet to be nude on the big screen actress. For example, every Jennifer Aniston movie should involve at least seven to ten sex scenes. Not just because we all want to see her naked but because there are no other reasons to see her movies otherwise. At least seven to ten. Kind of like a porn. So I guess my first statement still holds true.

Tons of naked famous people check out EgoTV’s Facebook Page.

The Links

Is it bad that I still laugh at LOLCats? Be honest. I can take the abuse. They are so juvenile yet so dumb funny. Honestly, I was cracking up while putting together this gallery and thought “there has to be something wrong with me down in my core that I find both Louis C.K. and cats with caption on the same level of genius.

Take a look at this gallery involving invisible objects and those funny felines and let me know if you agree or you think I’m a loon.

Here are 30 cats going to town with their invisible objects.

There’s been a lot of crap going on about Heidi Montag and an alleged sex tape with Playboy hottie Karissa Shannon lately.  First of all, who cares?  I just want to see Shannon naked.  Second of all, I just want to see Shannon naked.  If there’s on redeeming quality about this possible tape it’s that there might be an off chance Montag gets a facial from someone.  Other than that I have no interest.

The whole celebrity sex tape thing is just over done at this point.  I’m pretty sure when Tom Sizemore is trying to make money off of HIS sex tape?  You’ve kind of reached your limit.

However I will say this.  There are some sex tape that if they’re flying around I might actually pony up a few dollars to see.

Here are 7 I’m sure you’ll enjoy

Brooke Burke

I have a rumor of a story to tell.  My buddy was at some Hollywood party and apparently Brooke Burke was caught having sex with her husband.  I have no idea if this is true but rumor is that it was at Vince Vaughn’s house.  Again, I have no clue if it’s true.  But the rumor is that she was a Tomcat in the sack and is a screamer.  So a sex tape can’t be bad.   This was like 10 years ago by the way.

Jessica Simpson

I don’t care how fat Simpson gets.  I really don’t.  She can balloon to 400 lbs for all I care.  I think she’ll always be hot.  And personally the chance at seeing her do a reverse cowgirl would make me giddy.

Katy Perry

How is Katy Perry not British by the way? This is something I will never understand.  Anyway, someone who is with Russell Brand is bound to be into S&M or something insane.  I’m guessing there’d be tons of props in this video.  Plus her boobs are a big help as well.

Padma Lakshmi

If I have to hear Padma speak once more I might puke.   Doesn’t she just sound so “I’m better than you” when she talks?  If anything I’d want to see her in a really abusive gangbang video.  Now that would be worth paying for.

Erin Andrews

No question in my mind she really has one.  Peeping Tom my ass.  Andrews knew what she was doing man.  I don’t think she was ever scared.  Not for one minute.  And if she was it lasted for a very very short while.   Dancing with the Stars?  Dressing super sexy months after?  She does her stuff in the bedroom.  Let’s not kid ourselves.

Rachel Ray

I know this is a weird addition but I love her voice.  It’s so raspy and jolly.  I’d just want to hear her moan.

Emma Watson

Something tells me that Emma Watson might be the most frigid sexual partner around.  Maybe it’s the British thing.  I don’t know.  But come on, just to know you saw her doing the deed would be kind of cool and worth 5 bucks.

Life is always throwing a ton of bad choices at us, where it seems like either option is pretty damn horrible. That’s probably the origin of the game Would You Rather? There really is no  right or wrong answer, it’s all based on personal preference.

So for poops and giggles, each week on EgoTV we’ll discuss a Would You Rather scenario. We’ll give the pros and cons of each, and you let us know which you’d rather choose. Some will be obscene. Some will be absurd. Some will be flat out stupid.

Let’s have a pointless debate…

Would You Rather…have everyone think your spouse is a jerk -OR- that he or she is really ugly?

Your spouse is a jerk

Pros

- It gets you out of hanging out with people you really don’t like to begin with
- You get to play good cop in the relationship. Everyone loves good cop.
- People consider you a saint for putting up with him/her
- When you break up, it makes you seem like more of a catch

Cons

- No one will want to hang out with you.
- You’re guilty by association.
- It keeps you from doing some really cool things.
- It’s one embarrassing situation after another.
- You’re constantly defending him or her.
- You’re married to a jerk. That is a major con.

Your spouse is ugly

Pros

- Your obviously the better looking one in the relationship.
- He or she won’t cheat.
- People will think you’re an amazing person for marrying based on the inside and not the outside.
- They will think he or she must be either 1) awesome in the sack or 2) loaded. Either is a good rumor to spread.
- It makes you look even more attractive than you probably really are.
- Ugly people make cute babies.

Cons

- Well, you’re married or dating an ugly person, so that is a major con.
- It makes it seem like there is something wrong with you, if this is the best you can do.
- Your kid has to go through like with an ugly parent.
- Maybe you are actually ugly too.

So what’s your choice?

This type of news story should come as no shock to anyone that watched the A&E show Hoarders. Everyone else will ask how this is humanly possible. Watch the show once. It be possible.

A four-month search for a missing Las Vegas woman came to a ghastly end this week when her husband found her corpse in their home amid a labyrinth of squalor that had been impassable even to search dogs.

A four-month search of the city or a four-month search of the house? I’ll accept either answer. I’m just not sure how a person dies and the other person in the house doesn’t see them and then junk starts piling up on…ugh my head hurts. Let’s continue reading…

Bill James apparently had no idea that the body of his pack-rat wife, Billie Jean, was under the same roof as he helped police scour the home and the Nevada desert for any sign of her. Then he spotted the feet of the body poking out of a floor-to-ceiling pile of junk Wednesday, revealing in shocking detail the woman’s penchant for hoarding.

I want to make a joke about the name Bill James but it wouldn’t get a chuckle from anyone but baseball fans. I’ll go with the other obvious pun in a bit.

Police say they searched the home several times — even using dogs from a unit that helped locate bodies at ground zero after Sept. 11 and Hurricane Katrina. But they were unable to find the body of amid the piles of clothes, knickknacks, trash and other junk. “For our dogs to go through that house and not find something should be indicative of the tremendous environmental challenges they faced,” police spokesman Bill Cassell said.

Sing it with me.

“Billie Jean. She’s one dead mother. She’s just a girl that hoarded mounds of old junk. Then she died and no one noticed the funk.”

(Crotch grab) A HEEE HEEEEE!

Body of Las Vegas woman found in clutter at home – [Yahoo! News]

It’s not as though we’re very big on politics here at Ego TV.    However if we can make fun of stuff then we’re certainly going to take that route as often as we possibly can.  There’s just something so wrong about the “wholesome” messages politicians want us to believe in considering how underhanded and manipulative they are.

They want us to believe in family, yet these are some of the most perverted guys on the planet.  They want us to believe in honesty, yet we are lied to every single day.  They want us to believe they they too care about people, children, world problems.  Come on folks.  They care about power and their own agenda.  Are all politicians this way?  No.  Are most?  I think so.  Certainly.

And who can tell more than others?  Children.  They can see the truth in people before people do themselves.

Enjoy this gallery of politicans and kids

People love the show Mad Men. Well, critics love the show, and that’s obvious from the numerous Emmy nods and wins. It’s won critical acclaim but still has an incredibly small audience. Doesn’t seem to make sense.

I, for one, am glad no one watches the show. I watch it, and every time I do, I think to myself “thank god life isn’t like that anymore” but then a little more of the Mad Men influence creeps into our modern day culture. The fedora is back in style even though most men look ridiculous in them. The liquid lunch is once again becoming acceptable. Women are wearing more clothing. What the hell is THIS WORLD coming too? And all because of that fake world. Damn you Draper.

Here are 5 reasons why Mad Men is ruining life for regular men.

Men Just Can’t Dress Like That All The Time

The guys in Mad Men parade around in pressed suits, crisp white shirts and a new necktie every other scene. It’s impossible for the average guy to dress that well every day of the week. A guy has a handful of suits, ties and shirts that have to last him at least a year if not more. Eventually he’s got to repeat. Keeping a wardrobe that versatile takes a ton of money. Money that must be spent on obscene mortgages, car payments, food and living in a big city. For the rest of us, there is just no reason to dress like that even 10% of time. Sure we could be fitted to the nines to go out to dinner or to see a show but we look ridiculous standing next to the guy wearing flip flops and a Buck Foston t-shirt. In this equation, the guy in the suit looks out of his element.

Women Are Covering Up

Let’s forget Christina Hendricks for a minute (though it’s impossible because she is insanely gorgeous) but the 50’s style on Mad Men is actually causing women to cover up a little more at work, at play and at all the places we love to stare at them and their usual lack of clothing. Skirts are getting longer, tops are getting higher cut and sunglasses are getting bigger than the actual sun. It’s all one step away from the berka. Fine, I’m exaggerating but Mad Men is making women dress like it’s a couple years after a depression when actually that’s the state all this clothing is going to send us straight to; a depression from a lack of skin. Ok, back to Christina Hendricks. Sweet mother.

Don Draper Isn’t A Role Model

Don Draper is an amazing fictional character. He must stay a fictional character. The guy is just bad. Take another bad guy in fiction; Tony Soprano. He was a murderer. He ran an organized crime syndicate. He did hundreds of sleazy things to family and friends. Still, with all that people knew about the character, he still came off as a likable guy. People didn’t want to see him die even though he deserved whatever he had coming to him. Now think of Draper. If they killed him off the show tomorrow, would anyone care? (Not really– remember no one watches). The show wouldn’t be as good but it’s doubtful people would be upset. Women should want a man like Draper. Men shouldn’t want to be Don Draper. Draper is the devil. Now that Jon Hamm fella, he seems pretty damn swell. There is a role model for dudes.

No Man Will Have a Life

It seems like most of the men in the show spend most of their time at work and the rest of the time talking about work or hanging with people they work with. The rest of the time is spent grooming and buying clothes (See point #1). To keep up the perfect look they’ve got to dedicate some serious time. Do they ever do anything fun? Hell there must have been something to do in the 1950’s? It wasn’t all doom and gloom and the Cold War. If we aspired to the Mad Men lifestyle it would be a pretty drab existence. Actually, living like that would accomplish one thing…

All Men Will Cut Their Lives In Half

Watch one episode of Mad Men and take note of the number of drinks and cigarettes Draper or any of the men in the show consume in a day. Now multiply that by 365 days a year. Men and women back then just had a stronger interior lining in their bodies. Maybe it was the lack of high fructose corn syrup eating away at their insides. If any guy tried living life like the Mad Men today figure that by the age of 50 he’d suffer from complete liver failure, be one step away from rehab or go for chemo treatments once a week. At least that is one good thing about the show. It can’t go on much longer, most of the characters will be dead soon.

Click the photo to see the 17 t-shirts every college student owns.

I still own some t-shirts from college. I graduated ten years ago. I keep them as a memento of a simpler time when I didn’t have a care in the world and only owned a couple t-shirts. Most of them are from free credit card offers. I was broke and loved to fill out forms. I was always denied a card. Probably because I’d list my sex as “anal”.

Any t-shirt is acceptable on the EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links
Maria Menounos Busts Out Her Bootylicious Curves – [Popoholic]
Revisiting Man Vs Beast: One Of The Most Epic TV Specials Of All Time – [Caveman Circus]
This Just In (for the 100th Time): Men Like Hourglass Figures – [The Smoking Jacket]
5 Mind Blowing Ways Your Memory Plays Tricks On You – [Cracked]
Power Hungry Facebook is Trying to Trademark ‘Face’– [Uncoached]
Prepare Yourself For The Redneck Jersey Shore – [Heavy]
8 Awesome Videos of Crazy Old People Dancing – [Maxim]
Politician Raffles Off A Boob Job To Raise Campaign Cash – [The Frisky]
Vanessa Hudgens Claims To Pwn Noobs – [Celeb Jihad]
Stripper Pole Fail – [Double Viking]
How to BS Your Way to Booty – [Holy Taco]
Tim Tebow Friar Hair Cut Guys Debut Your 2010 Halloween Costume– [Busted Coverage]
I’m Sorry Governor, Could You Repeat That? – [Manofest]
Hipster Dinosaurs – [Fork Party]
Combination Sink/Urinal: Just Don’t Forget Which End is Which – [The Noob Dad]

Click on the link to check out how to have real fun with fake weed.

I’d never mess with fake drugs. Too much can go wrong. More so then with real drugs. If real drug deal goes bad and you get your face shot off it’s acceptable because real drugs were involved. Now imagine losing your life over a baggie of grass clippings. How dumb would you feel? Maybe not that dumb until it reached websites like Reddit or Fark. Then you’d feel like a moron. Don’t do fake drugs kids.

Find more people into real drugs on EgoTV’s Facebook Page.

The Links

It’s no secret that bloggers and writers get their ideas from other bloggers and writers. It was a secret? Crap. I’m sorry. I should have said spoilsies or whatever people say when giving away a secret. Anyway, you see one blog about Paris Hilton getting busted for booger sugar and it prompts a blog idea like “7 Other Things That Paris Hilton Does That Should Be Obvious”. I’d actually write that but it wouldn’t be that interesting of a piece considering the first five entries are “penis”. But you get the idea.

Anyway, I often check different sources for gallery ideas. I’ll see one funny or interesting picture and try and create an entire gallery around the idea. One of my favorite places to browse is my own Google Reader. This weekend, while catching up on back reading (cute way of saying I was bored turdless), I came across so many amazing pics I just couldn’t decide on one gallery. So I figured, screw it, I’ll make it into one big random gallery. I think it works nicely.

Here is a gallery of pics I found in my Google Reader.

I’m not a huge fan of awards shows.  I find it disgusting that the Hollywood elite celebrate their own accomplishments and it becomes some sort of national side show.  No worse is it on display than at the Oscars but the Emmy Awards is just as bad.  Just don’t do these shows and let us enjoy watching TV.  Is that so wrong?

And the whole Red Carpet crap?  Come on!  Who cares what who is wearing?  This stuff makes me want to vomit.  Still though, I don’t mind the cleavage.  Hehehe.

Seriously though, there are plenty of things that bug me about these shows but here are five things that annoyed me about last night’s Emmy awards.

The Windows Guy.  Come on, please.

That might have been the worst commentating in the history of any awards show.   The whole sarcastic thing when someone got a win?  Pathetic.  I mean at least make fun of something in a creative way for Christ’s sake.  The only saving grace is that we didn’t have to look at this guy’s face that often.

Jim Parsons is a Mannequin

www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8KJ7bqctZ0

OK him winning was stupid, period.  Probably because The Big Bang Theory is an awful awful show.  Yeah I get the whole geek community digs this show but it’s NOT funny.  I’m all for geeky humor but I just don’t get it.  And I’m sure the geeks are loving how much make up Parsons wore.  And could this guy weight less?  He’s 100% anorexic.  I was scared watching him last night, period.

Jimmy Fallon

OK dude.  Your face is getting chubbier by the day and you’re just not funny.

Not Enough Christina Hendricks Boob Shots

OK she was by far the highlight in that purple dress.  Not one comment about her breasts during the show?  I mean that at least would have been entertaining.  And come on camera guys.  Just pan on her a few times will ya?  That really wouldn’t have been too tough.

No Jersey Shore Segments?

There was like maybe 20 seconds of footage of this show.  They could have went nuts with Jersey Shore stuff.  They could have done parodies, you name it.  I think the show totally dropped the ball on one of the biggest reality phenomenons in quite some time.

To keep track of all the people who have arrived on the scene with a massive explosion only to disappear and never be heard from again, EgoTV tracks down reality stars, internet sensations and news makers of the past few years to find out just where the heck they went after the spotlight faded.

Today’s Subject: The Star Wars Kid

The Story: In 2002, Canadian high school student Ghyslain Raza (which sounds like an evil villain from Batman) video taped himself swinging a golf ball retriever around like a double-bladed lightsaber. He also provided the sound effects and a couple of buckets of sweat. Some classmates found the tape, uploaded it online and the rest is internet meme history.

Ghyslain and his parents eventually sued the families of the three classmates who leaked the video for around $250,000. According to the lawsuit, which was settled out of court, “Ghyslain had to endure, and still endures today, harassment and derision from his high-school mates and the public at large.” Of course giving him the name Ghyslain might have done that years earlier but who am I to judge?

Where they at? Even with all the jokes and internet fame, Raza seems to have become a normal, well-adjusted young Jedi man. He is studying law and serves as President of a nonprofit group dedicated to preserving the heritage, culture and history of a riverside French-Canadian town named Trois-Rivières. Wonder if he brandishes a lightsaber at town meetings when things get a little out of control.

It’s amazing that more people don’t try and rob from their company the way Peter, Michael and Samir did in the movie Office Space. Pennies at a time. Hardly noticeable. You know, like in Superman III.

Maybe people do but don’t get caught. Except these scammers, who were caught only after taking millions, usually $.20 at a time.

If the allegations in a civil case filed in a federal court in Chicago hold up, you can even haul off $10 million if you stick to $9 here or 20 cents there. The suit, filed in March by the Federal Trade Commission, contends that over at least four years, scammers placed more than $10 million in bogus charges on consumers’ credit and debit cards.

The scammers evaded detection by keeping each charge under $10 and stealing from each cardholder only once, spreading the theft across more than a million cardholders, the suit says.

I’ll be honest and admit the last time I really analyzed my credit card statement was to make sure the Bang Bros didn’t double charge me for a monthly membership. The card has such an astronomical balance I’m not sure I’d notice a couple dollars charged once or twice. I would, however, notice when charged with just a couple dimes. I’m not alone.

Most of the fraudulent charges that appeared on victims’ statements were for $9, but at different times, charges of just 20 cents were favored, Mr. Wernikoff said. Maybe the scammers should have stuck with $9: “There were more complaints about the 20-cent charges because they looked really odd,” he said.

Let’s list all the things a person could possibly charge on a credit card that retail for $.20…umm…four tootsies rolls, damaged dollar store Pinwheel and an autographed copy of my first book. Of course all those goods combined aren’t worth twenty cents but who am I to tell you how to spend your hard earned Abe Lincolns.

Well, a hearty handshake and a “nice try” to the guys that tried to pull this off. Have fun in federal rape-you up the a** prison. To quote Michael Bolton. Yes, the singer.

$9 Here, 20 Cents There and a Credit-Card Lawsuit – [New York Times]

If you haven’t seen the episode of Seinfeld where George confesses that he wants to have sex with a super tall woman then I’m afraid I can’t be of service to you now.  My point is that there are times in a man’s life where he wants to something a little different.   In one instance I may very well want to be intimate with an Asian woman, whereas the next I may want to experiment with a little person.

But at this very moment?  I wonder what it’d be like to get down and dirty with a chick who is like 6′5 or taller.  It HAS to be weird doesn’t it?  I mean it can’t not be right?  What about all the equipment?  I mean I know the boobs are the same and stuff.  But isn’t everything like “longer?”  Eeesh.

I don’t suspect I’ll find out any time soon but I can dare to dream.  In the mean time you might want to check out some of these Goliaths.  Wow.

Thanks to Van Looy for these.

The red carpet of any awards show is easily the most boring couple hours of television ever. Essentially, it’s interviewing people while they walk into a building. Watching them smile for cameras, pretend to acknowledge screaming fans and whisper little things to one another like “I’m leaving after the commercial to get blasted and vomit in my rented clothing” gets boring after a few hundred seconds.

It’s time to shake things up on the red carpet. Give viewers a real reason to tune in besides ogle over celebs they’ll never meet wearing clothes they can never afford. It’s time to make the celebs earn their paychecks.

Here are seven ways to make any red carpet even fascinating television.

Offer every celeb free drugs (just to see who accepts)

No one was shocked when Paris Hilton got busted for blow. There are just some celebs that appear as if they can’t function without a little illegal substance coursing through their veins. There are those celebs that do partake in the booger sugar or other recreational drugs that just don’t fit the bill. The world is more interested in those people. Let’s get them out of hiding. After each red carpet interview, ask each actor or actress about drugs; where can a person scores some, do they have any or do they want any? Let’s find out who the real users and abusers are in Tinseltown.

Tell the celebs the camera is off, to see how they really act

People love bloopers. People also love videos of catching celebs in candid moments when they think no one is watching and they don’t have to “act” for the cameras. Red Carpet hosts should tell the celeb they start the camera in thirty seconds and ask them random questions about the evening. Words and feelings will start spilling out more than Kim Kardashian’s fun bags in an A-cup bra. The ultimate goal is to get Betty White to call someone a c*nt. My life would be fulfilled.

Let Gary Busey do the interviews

Remember a couple years back when Busey ambushed Jennifer Garner and Ryan Seacrest and made TV history? It should happen every year. Hell, it should happen every couple minutes. Either let Busey do the red carpet interviews or have him randomly bust into the more dull interviews. Actually, that would be all of them.

Busey- “Who are you wearing?”
Celeb- “This is a dress from…”
Busey- “Shut up, no one cares. I’ll be wearing human skin in a moment. Your human skin. You smell sumptuous.”

Ask embarrassing questions

Nothing is funnier than when an actor or director is forced to ad-lib and think on the fly. The minute they have to think of anything besides the answers for the questions they know are coming their way, they get flustered and say whatever is on their mind. This won’t work on comedians and some of the smarter performers but get a real dull fork like a reality star or that Kate Gosselin tw*t. I wish Seacrest would ask her if her vagina looks like bubble gum on a barber shop floor. It’s actually a trick question, because she has a penis.

Every third celeb has to get naked

Sure the thought of a celeb getting naked is enough to tune in but the fact viewers don’t know which celeb it will be is even more Must-See TV. The celebs shouldn’t know either. Just have a random siren that goes off. If they don’t strip down they aren’t allowed to enter the building and must roll up the red carpet after the event using only their tongue. Fine, the females want to make it more interesting, every fifth guy has to drop his pants and show what’s doing in his BVDs. Women want to see Jon Hamm’s John Ham, I can’t deny them the chance.

Two words: Bathroom Cam

The most interesting part of these awards shows, red carpet ceremonies and celeb circlejerks are the interactions between celebs. They obviously don’t all love each other and there is probably more hate and jealousy in the room than good will. The bathroom is not only an interesting place to watch human interaction, but the celeb angle throws a whole different coat of paint on the situation. Imagine the sh*t (figuratively) that goes on behind the scenes while people take a leak five steps from one another. Tapes reveal Andy Dick spends much of the evening in there, tapping his foot under stalls.

Tasers

When tasers get involved the world is just a more interesting place. Tasers are even more fun when unleashed on an unexpected target. During the red carpet, celebs and anyone else in the vicinity should be an open target for a random tasering. There should be a taser cam with an aerial view of the entire red carpet area and viewers can tune in to watch random celebs get dropped to the floor with a couple thousands volts. Who are the celebs wearing? Hopefully the brand Depends because they might have just crapped their pants.

Click the photo to see the nine people you will run into at Wal-Mart after midnight.

A couple years back I put my holiday shopping off until the last minute and found myself at a Wal-Mart at around one in the morning. The shopping trip took longer than expected because the people are so damn fascinating. It was like a sight-seeing expedition with the main focus being people the world has forgotten. Bunch of lunatics. They would have to be, considering they were at a Wal-Mart that late. Much like myself.

Know where else you can find some lunatics? The EgoTV Facebook Page.

The Links

Zoe Saldana Has ‘Nothing to Hide’ in Sexy Calvin Klein Underwear – [Bro Bible]
5 Videos To Show You How To Get Free Stuff – [Caveman Circus]
Accidental Rock Star Stage Dives – [The Smoking Jacket]
Navigating The Worst Type of Workplace Conversation – [Cracked]
She’s Back! The LiLo Edition– [Popoholic]
Odd MMA knock-outs – [Unathletic Mag]
Probably the Craziest Woman in Music – [Heavy]
Making Sweet High School Music In A Bikini – [Maxim]
5 Dating Myths That Just Aren’t True – [The Frisky]
Miley Cyrus New Boyfriend Is A Black – [Celeb Jihad]
Jesus Show Me Some Lightning – [Double Viking]
25 Badass Origami Creations – [Holy Taco]
Ohio State Fan Wants Chicks In Bikinis To Wash His Hummer; Will Pay Up In Football Tickets – [Busted Coverage]
A Guide To Internet Memes – [Manofest]
What Do Little Girls Smell Like? – [The Noob Dad]

Click on the link to check out the hottest video game girls ever.

Is it wrong to find a video game chick attractive? Why does it feel dirty? Is there some type of level of “how human she looks” that makes it acceptable? If you find any of the women in the link hot, you’re normal, but if you’re polishing your hammer to screen shots of the female skunk in the Looney Tunes cartoon you probably want to seek professional help. That’s what I did.

You can find a ton of professionals on the EgoTV’s Facebook Page.

The Links

About a week ago, there was a really funny link on Reddit regarding Michael Cera. Someone had posted a picture collage of Gary Oldman in all his many film roles. The link to the picture said “I never realized Gary Oldman played all these people.” In response, someone posted a picture of Michael Cera (just one) with the caption “I never realized Michael Cera played all these people.” It took some people a while to get the joke.

Cera does seem to play the same type of role. They also don’t seem to be very different from the real Michael Cera. That is even more humorous. Like him or hate him, Cera is a certain type of funny. He is often at his funniest when just being Michael Cera. For example…

If you’re still not convinced, here is a gallery of Cera just being himself.

As you may or may not have heard, Bristol Palin is joining Dancing With the Stars.  Whoops?  Excuse me.  I think I just puked in my mouth.  OK I’m back.   I’m not even a political person but I can tell you this.  What in the hell is up with the Palin family?  I 100% guarantee there’s been some inter family sex going on at some point in there.

Bristol Palin?  Why do we care about this person?  Is she for abortion or against it?  Anyone seen that crappy commercial with her talking about being careful?  Umm… doesn’t that imply that her pregnancy was a mistake?  Not exactly the message a politicians daughter wants to relay.

Anyway, back to Dancing with the Stars…or should we say not so famous people anymore.   If you really want to spice up this show then get these five people on the show…and get them now

I picked these five using zero criteria other than just knowing the five of them would be competing would absolutely kick ass.

Carrot Top

I wouldn’t even have to watch the guy dance would you?  Everyone would just be mesmerized by how ‘roided out the guy is.  Maybe he could pull out his little crap inventions during one of the routines.  Or maybe he could bust a vein.  That would be nice.  Go Carrot Top!

Wayne Newton

I just want to see this guy get completely inappropriate with his hot dance partner.  Can’t you just see that happening.  Kind of like the original announcer on Family Feud.  Is Wayne Newton a human or really just a wax figure?  I’ll let you guys debate that.

Rosie O’Donnell

Just because.  How awesome would it be to see her and Shaq argue.

Shaq

Hell he’s got moves.  He’s got his own Vs. show.  Might as well go on Dancing with the Stars right?  I find zero faults in Shaq’s overall game.  He’s good people.

Roger Clemens

I just want to hear all the boos off the field.

There are some things you should know that even the best reporter or paparazzi can’t get out of celeb. It’s in those cases it’s best to just make stuff up based on nothing. It’s a hell of a lot more fun anyway.

So, let’s just make it up. Pretend to know things about celebs that we couldn’t possibly know, or couldn’t possibly be true or real. At least we hope they aren’t true.

Here are 20 things you should think you know about the Scientologist, the computer virus and the always smiling Tom Cruise.

1. In his sexual fantasies, the couch jumps on him.
2. Makes a mean bowl of Grape Nuts. It involves grapes and his nuts.
3. Tom invented the season of Fall.
4. Has never lost a game of Guess Who?
5. Doesn’t feel pretty today.
6. Loves Dancing with the Stars. The actual stars. He flies into the night sky and does a salsa with any available constellation.

7. Is trying to copyright the Thumbs Up.
8. Sometimes wears the Les Grossman outfit with full makeup and goes to Denny’s for a Moons over My Hammy.
9. Never read Dianetics.
10. Every summer Tom and friends re-enact the volleyball scene from Top Gun. His friends are gophers.

11. Suri is going exactly according to plan.
12. His favorite website is LOLKatzenberg.
13. He’ll get you next time Gadget. Next time.
14. He was there the “day the music died”. But then he just recharged his iPod and it was cool.
15. Still has the white underwear from Risky Business and the receipt from Baby Gap.
16. Enjoys taking baths in maple syrup.
17. Read the the Importance of Being Earnest because he thought it was a biography about Jim Varney.
18. Wants to soak in all the new Cathy comics while they are still around.
19. Keeps in shape by doing Tai Chi, boxing and jumping as high as he can to kiss Katie Holmes
20. “Hahaha. Jesus. That’s adorable. Jesus. Good luck with that philosophy. Hehe.” - Tom Cruise, Fall 2002

Look, we’ve all ignored physical pain and brushed it off as “old age” or “the mild spreading of a virus from promiscuity” and eventually it goes away. It’s usually because we are afraid of what a medical exam might really uncover. It could be something far worse than just a minor ache. It could be a tumor. It could be cancer.

It could be a bullet in the noggin.

A 35-year-old man who walked around for five years with a bullet lodged in the back of his head says he suspected for a while something was there but only went to doctors after he started getting headaches.

He thought there was something amiss what with all the blood and large hole in the back of his head. It was the headaches that were cause for concern though.

Robert Chojecki was partying on New Years Eve five years ago in the German town of Herne when he was hit with the .22-caliber bullet. Doctors removed it this week from between his skin and skull.

My grandmother used to tell me getting hit by a bullet on New Year’s was good luck. There was some type of rhyme involved, you know, the type that only people over 75 know and repeated whenever the situation calls. “Shot in the head on New Year’s, good luck until Arbor Day” or something like that but I can’t remember because I’ve got a terrible headache and it all started when I took that baseball bat to the face. I’m sure they aren’t related. My keyboard looks fuzzy.

Polish Man Shot In Head Thought He Had Been Hit By Fireworks – [Huffington Post]

Not sure if any of you attended the 2010 Star Wars Celebration in Orlando this year but just in case you missed (and I hope most of you did) there were in fact some interesting things to note.   And no I’m not referring to all of the light saber fighting or people talking about how Star Wars might actually be real.

Hell I’m not even talking about the weirdo Star Wars marriages or the sheer volume of virgins and chronic masturbaters.  I’m talking about hot chicks and hot chicks only.  Well that is if you’re into weird hot chicks who dig intergalactic dorkdom.

Hell I’ll take any hot chick as long as she’s hot…..

Thanks to UGO for these finds

]]> http://egotvonline.com/2010/08/27/sext-message-gone-wrong/feed/ 6 http://egotvonline.com/2010/08/27/theres-a-tool-at-the-pool/ http://egotvonline.com/2010/08/27/theres-a-tool-at-the-pool/#comments Fri, 27 Aug 2010 12:30:17 +0000 KendraLee http://egotvonline.com/?p=32139 Stack the chairs higher next time so you have the possibility of just running your head right into them.

The small town barber is hard to find. This is a good thing because most of them are butchers that make Brutus Beefcake look like a finalist on Shear Genius. The people that are fantastic at cutting hair work in a high end saloon. The guys that can cut hair and do a serviceable job work in the chain stores. The dudes that have been doing it way to long work in the joints with the rotating candy cane by the front door.

This doesn’t mean all barbers suck. I know quite a few that are very good, but the reason is because they are young and still work on their craft. This blog is about that old man that still chops hair and talks about the weather, the economy and the time the river flooded the town and Noah left on a boat.

Here are seven sure signs your barber has seen better days.

He spins you so your back is to the mirror

Nothing announces “this will be a terrible experience” more loudly than when the barber’s first move before cutting your hair is rotating your entire body so that you can’t even sneak a peak at what the hell is doing to your head. The entire time in the chair you’re staring at the back of the head of another guy as he gets his hair perfectly trimmed. If your spun around to find another guy facing you, at lead you’ll have a partner in pain. Maybe you can clue each other in to the progress with hand gesture and facial expression. What’ the correct frown to say “your head looks as if it’s been raped with an electric carving knife?”

The example books are out of date

Every barber shop has those books of different current hairstyles wedged under old issues of Rod & Reel and The Sporting News. Check out the dates of the books in your favorite shop. No dates? Well the Dylan McKay hairdo on the cover should clue you to the fact that books in the shop haven’t been updated since Slick Willy was getting his willy slicked. It also means the barber probably hasn’t gone to any classes recently to learn all the latest style and techniques. If he asks what type of style your looking for ask for either the Color Me Badly Trimmed or the 9021Oh sh*t I’ve got a bowl cut.

He doesn’t listen

Tight fade. Two on the sides and trim on the top. Maybe a three on the sides and just about a half an inch on the top because you’re trying to grow it out. It doesn’t matter what you’re saying to him because he is just going to grab the clippers and do whatever the hell he thinks would look good on your head. His choice is usually the flat top. Kids have been wearing the flat top for fifty years. Only because that’s the only hair style he knows how to cut.

The shop is in his house

It’s personal preference but I’m just weary about people that work out of their house; dentist, doctors, lawyers and especially barbers. This is Mayberry. A barber can get a chair in any shop or just open his own shop. The fact that he just crawls out of bed and into his place of work is just kind of creepy and this is coming from a writer that works from home. Think of all the disgusting things you do in the privacy of your home. Now think that while getting your hair cut the barber might have been doing all the same things, possibly the minute before you walked in for a haircut. You sure that is hair gel on his smock?

The cut is under $10

Nothing worth getting is cheap or free. If the cut only costs a couple bucks it’s probably because he feels awful charging too much money, especially because you’re essentially sitting in his living room. If you don’t want to spend too much, invest in a pair of clippers and have someone else cut your hair. Your hair is one of the few things you should spend good money on.

Saying he is old is a compliment

I feel the same way about any type of license; you should have to renew it every couple years with the state or whoever governs the people that cut hair. King Hair Cuttery. Mr. Super Cuts. Whoever. This might actually be something that is regulated but your guy has been bucking the system for years. If the barber has been cutting hair since that no good Oswald shot Kennedy he is way pasted his prime and probably half blind and deaf. At least this shows he was listening to what you wanted, but he just couldn’t hear you.

His crotch rubs against your hand. Often.

Maybe you should be charging him.

Click the photo to get an insane look at a tornado of fire.

Honestly, everyone living in a trailer, get the hell out of town. Don’t take the trailer with you. Leave it. Buy a house. I’m giving you fair warning. If these fire tornadoes are for real, there is gonna be big trouble in your backyard. We can only hope science can learn how to clone one of these hot dogs.

Know what else is on fire? The EgoTV’s Facebook Page.

The Links

Maya Gabeira Surfs Her Way Into Our Hearts with Hot Red Bull Promo Pics – [Bro Bible]
One Of The Hottest Cosplayers Ever – [Caveman Circus]
In Honor of National Cherry Popsicle Day – [The Smoking Jacket]
7 Things You Learn When You’re An Insomniac – [Guyism]
History’s Most Iconic Images (Ruined by Photobombers) – [Cracked]
Hilary Duff Dropping Some Cleavage? Yes Please! – [Popoholic]
Redskins Cheerleaders Know How to Tease in the Preseason – [Unathletic Mag]
Woman Trashes Cat, Internet Filled With Meowlaise – [Heavy]
Hottest Bosses from Movies – [Maxim]
8 Things That Surprised Us About Elin Nordegren – [The Frisky]
Olivia Wilde Wears Ill-Fitting Bikini – [Celeb Jihad]
Incredible Gamer Tattoo – [Double Viking]
Amy Winehouse’s Photo Guide to Everyday Living – [Holy Taco]
Sophie Monk In Hawaii Bikini Action, Shows Off Collection Of Bracelets – [Busted Coverage]
20 Examples of Corporate Racism– [Manofest]

Click the photo for a list of clutch sports performances in movies.

Sports movies are only as good as their sports scenes. It can be wonderfully acted and a great story but if the sports scenes don’t seem realistic the movie suffers. Ever see Fear Strikes Out with Anthony Perkins? My 5-month-old son would be a more believable big leaguer. He also has a better throwing arm. Though Perkins sure could bring the sass!

Everyone is getting sassy on EgoTV’s Facebook Page.

The Links

Before describing this gallery I’ll need something settled: is it “depantsing” or “pantsing”? I always thought it was “pantsed” but according to a Google search adding the de- is a more popular option. Whatever.

Pantsing. Depantsing. Getting pantsed. It’s funny however you say it so long as you’re not on the receiving end. Funny live depantsing moment happened my freshman year of college. The cafeteria had a front door that faced everyone eating and everyone coming through had to stop for at least 10 seconds to get their card scanned by the front desk person. A group of basketball players walked into the cafeteria and while one of the guys was waiting to get his card scan another guy pantsed him. Luckily for the guy, it was just after practice and he was wearing basketball shorts under his sweatpants. The entire cafeteria saw it and erupted into laughter and cat calls. He did the only thing he could in that moment; walked into line for food with his pants still around his ankles.

Here is a gallery of people getting depantsed. Some were not so lucky in the “protection underneath” department.

So the latest on Lindsay Lohan is that she’s facing home confinement after being let out of prison early.  Honestly people.  Is this really the best course of action for Ms. Lohan?  Do we really want her “free” in any capacity?

Honestly unless it’s to do nude photos I don’t think Lindsay Lohan should be allowed anywhere.  It’s gonna take one hell of a rehab program to get this girl on track.  The most annoying part of all of this is that Lohan makes more money than you, me, and most of America.

Doesn’t that just bug you?  Just for being her and getting trashed and looking dumb all the time?  Ugh.

Anyway, here’s a look at some things she’ll more than likely do in home confinement….

Make a kick ass cocktail out of household cleaners

I get the feeling that Lohan isn’t all that smart in the ways of the world.  Like she wouldn’t do too well on an SAT test.  However, I’m sure she’s a wizard when it comes to drugs.  Having all that time at home would allow her to create some amazing new drugs.  She could call the new product “Leelo.”

Email all of her Eurasian penpals

The only reason I used the word “Eurasian” is because I’m thinking about Zoolander.  But come on.  Like she doesn’t have some weird penpals out there?  Lohan HAS to have penpals.  I refuse to believe otherwise.

Throw her own Hollywood Premiere and Pass Out Before it Starts

If you can’t go to any parties then why not host them?  And clearly when she answers the door for the first guest she should vomit all over them.  Take that to the paparazzi and make them pay you for the photos.  What an entrepreneur I am.

Overdose on episodes of Say Yes To the Dress and Biggest Loser

If anything I would think that Lohan will gain a pound or two sitting inside her house.  By the time she gets out she’ll probably want to visit Ms. Jillian Michaels.

Become a World Class DJ

Really because why not?

See You In Ten speculates on where some of the young, up-and-coming stars of Hollywood will be ten years from now. Will they be a megastar and household name or irrelevant, out of the public eye and possibly six feet under?

Today’s Subject: Selena Gomez

How she got here: Gomez is an actress and singer-songwriter best known for playing Alex Russo on the Disney Channel series Wizards of Waverly Place. Before Disney, she had one of the kid roles on Barney & Friends. Gomez began wearing a purity ring when she was 12 years old. Notable romances include dating the ugly Jonas Brother. No, the other one.

What she is doing now: Gomez made her theatrical film debut as Beatrice “Beezus” Quimby in Ramona and Beezus. Her band, Selena Gomez & the Scene, released their debut studio album Kiss & Tell on in 2009 and it was certified Gold in March 2010. The album’s single, Naturally, was certified Platinum in July 15, 2010. In October 2008, Gomez launched her own production company, July Moon Productions, and partnered with XYZ Films to create star vehicles for Gomez. Gomez is currently the face of Sears back-to-school fashion ad campaign. She has a fashion line set to debut in Fall 2010.

See You In Ten: Gomez is eighteen years old and already has a successful TV show, album, movie, does ads for major brands and has her own production company. As far as money goes, she is set for life. On a personal note, she is all up on the virginity tip which could keep her out of trouble for those dangerous early 20’s when most female stars tend to go flying off the tracks. She was also smart enough to start her own production company to create her own movies, TV and other starring vehicles so she isn’t at the mercy of major studio execs.

Truth be told, Gomez will be a star for years to come but a pretty damn boring one. We can totally see her as the Aniston heir apparent; hot, older chick that is dying to have kids but every one of her relationships goes bad.

The Toyota Camry sitting in front of my house was purchased in 2003. It was a year old and bought with the idea of saving money for a much nicer car while saving on gas and fewer repairs. It was supposed be just a transition car into something nicer when I finally made good money. Yup, still have it. Yup, still piss broke. Yup, I hate the wheeled turd and want a new car.

I can’t imagine driving it for another week let alone 44 years and 2.8 million miles. I also can’t imagine having the name Irv.

You’d think a guy with almost 2.8 million miles on his car would want to stay put for a minute. But Guinness Book of World Records holder Irv Gordon, a 70-year-old retired science teacher who bought his 1966 Volvo P1800 new, is aiming to roll his speedometer over to 3 million miles in the next three years. “I got a full tank,” he says, as I climb into the passenger seat of the small red coupe outside a diner in Medford, NY, “And we can go anywhere you want.”

Give the guy credit, he has more than gotten his money’s worth out of that ride. I’m sure he has gotten tons of actual miles and joke miles, especially whipping out gems like this…

“Does this thing have air conditioning?” I ask.
“Yea, the 465,” says Irv. “Four windows at 65 miles per hour.”

That always killed them up in the Catskills back in 69′! Know what else killed them? Smoked salmon and Virginia Slims! Take my wife, please! But such is life. Mashugina!

Irv’s long-haul story, though singularly impressive, is part of an increasing “keep your car” movement happening across the U.S. A recent survey conducted by Jiffy Lube reveals that more than half of U.S. drivers hope to have more than 150,000 miles on their vehicle before replacing it, and more than a quarter aspire to clock 250,000 miles or more.

Oh hell and no! That Camry car is gone the minute I can afford another car. Once this writing thing takes off I’m gonna…

…not be fooling anyone. See at a million miles.

Irv Gordon’s Three-Million-Mile Quest – [Aol News]

Perhaps no better arena for taking masterful pictures of human being is there than sport.   Human beings are taken to their highest limits to achieve things that most of us humans can’t.  We stretch to the highest heights and get down to the lowest lows.

We heat up at the highest temperatures and we tough it out through the cold.  No matter what the situation, sport invokes the highest emotions and physical strain I can imagine.

And when you can capture all of this on camera?  Well, you’ll get some great shots.

Thanks to the The photo argus for these shots

In my spare time, what little I have these days, I like to dabble in fiction. It helps get out all of the little secrets I’d like to admit in real life but don’t feel like getting questioned about and scrutinized over. In fiction, I can let fake people have these thoughts, issues and feelings. I know, this sounds like a psychiatrist session but hang on, there is a real blog coming.

Another thing I like about fiction is that I can base many of the characters on actual people. Most writers find inspiration in the person living in the next apartment, the guy sitting in the next cubicle or the partner sleeping next to them in bed. It would only be logical to think then that some of the most famous cartoon characters are fashioned after real people.

I’ve met Bugs Bunny. He works at the CVS. I worked for a guy like Peter Griffin. He is a jackass. Here are seven other cartoon characters that are walking among us.

Fictional Mario

Mario is a short, portly, Italian American plumber who lives in the Mushroom Kingdom. He repeatedly fights a turtle named Bowser and foils his plots to kidnap Princess Peach and rule Mushroom Kingdom. He also other enemies including Donkey Kong and Wario.

Real Mario

Mario is a short, portly, Italian American plumber who lives in Manhattan. He repeatedly fights turtle-heads (he is a plumber) and tries to protect his Italian American princess who thinks she is a real peach. His other enemies include his gorialla-like mother-in-law and another plumber that charges less and does more. He also enjoys shows Jerseylicious and Jersey Shore because it remind him of his youth and his time working in a salon. He was at my house last week to plunge the toilet.

Fictional Beavis and Butt-head

Two socially inept and heavy metal-loving teenage boys, that attend high school where teachers are often at a loss as to how to deal with them. They usually don’t even bother going to school. They work part-time at a fast food joint and spend a large chunk of their time in front of the TV watching terrible music videos.

Real Beavis and Butt-head

Visit any high school in the United States. Beavis and Butt-head clones are abundant. Hit up your favorite fast food joint and they are in the back screwing up your order. Sadly, there is a new set of Beavis and Butt-heads born every day. Hehehe. That’s pretty cool. BOING!

Fictional Charlie Brown

Forever the lovable loser, Charlie is a young kid filled with determination, hope and good-will but who is ultimately dominated by his insecurities. Charles has been cursed with bad luck for over fifty years and is often taken advantage of by his friends and family. As one person put it so eloquently “Charlie Brown is an example of “the great American un-success story” in that he fails in almost everything he does.” His dog even gives him crap. Literally and figuratively.

Real Charlie Brown

Everyone is friends with a Charlie Brown. That poor dude that nothing ever goes right for and even when you think “he can’t possibly f*ck this up” WHAM! another door slams in his face. The world is Lucy and it keeps pulling away the football before this guy can kick the game winner. Also, those poor bastards that went bald in high school. Bad luck Chucks.

Fictional Grinch

The Grinch, is a pissy, bitter, cave-dweller with a ticker “two sizes two small” that lives on
top of a mountain with only his dog Max to keep him company. The Grinch hates all his neighbors in Whoville, hates the fact they are so happy and wants nothing more for them to be unhappy so he decides to ruin Christmas.

Real Grinch

The real Grinch lives in your neighborhood, has a dog much like Max, and seems to take him for a walk 23 hours a day. He doesn’t say hello and doesn’t apologize for his dog taking steamy dumps on your sidewalk. He only leaves the house to walk the mutt and get groceries and you only know that because you’ve seen him at the store. He ignores you and might have once thrown a can of mandarin oranges at your head but you can’t prove that to be fact. The Grinch might even be part of your family. You only see him during holidays, when he shows up just to piss everyone off, and let his dog turn in your Christmas tree. According to the picture he is also a very famous author.

Fictional Shaggy

Shaggy is a cowardly slacker more interested in eating than solving mysteries or doing any real work. His best friend is a pot-smoking dog named Scooby that also only likes to eat and lay around. Hasn’t changed his clothes in about 25 years and uses words “like” and “Zoinks” in regular dialogue.

Real Shaggy

The real Shaggy lived on your hallway in college. Nice guy but complete stoner. Disappeared for days at time chasing something but not usually ghosts. Usually chasing a fix. Once ate dog treats thanks to a supreme case of the munchies and now eats them for fun. Has a dog that he talks to and it’s probably his best friend. He swears the dog talked one night while on a crazy trip. Much like the fictional Shaggy, once had a threesome with Thelma and Daphne. All have sworn to secrecy.

Fictional Hello Kitty

Hello Kitty is a female white Japanese bobtail cat with a red bow. Kitty can be found on everything from change purses and boots to wheelchairs. http://egotvonline.com/2010/06/14/hello-kitty-goodbye-ability-to-walk/. The Hello Kitty trademark is recognized globally and worth more than an estimated $1 billion annually.

Real Hello Kitty

The real Hello Kitty is that annoying chick you see everywhere you go; bars, restaurants, the gym and even the damn convenience store on the corner. She is loaded and has everything better going for her than you will ever imagine and it kills you how much people like her even though she is so transparent and stupid. She is cute though. If she talked to you just once in one of the hundred different times you bump into her maybe you can cut her some slack. Also, both seem sweet but are actual whores. At least that is what Garfield told us.

Fictional Kool-Aid Man

The Kool-Aid Man, first known as The Pitcher Man, is fun-loving, jolly, fat fella who loves crashing through walls to find thirsty kids to share his Kool-Aid beverage, and yell out his catchphrase “Oh Yeah!”

Real Kool-Aid Man

They guy that hung around high school and college kids for way to long. He’d always offer to get them “drinks”, liked to crash peoples parties and act like the adult and had a dumb catch phrase like “I always deliver” or “it’s not rape if I use my hand to make her head say yes”. Long after you stopped hanging out with him because he was God damn creepy, he caught on with another group of young kids. “Oh Yeah!” he probably touched you when you passed out.

Click the photo to see 15 extreme foods of epic proportion.

The fascination with giant portions of food boggles my mind. At my local Cheeburger Cheeburger there are pictures of people who have ordered and eaten this massive hamburger. I’m sure they see it as some sort of trophy display, showing friends and family every time they dine at the restaurant. I see it as a community service. It’s a nice reference of “here are the idiots that live locally, avoid them at all costs”. I also use it to jot down new names for my “needs a punch to the throat” list. It grows by the day.

Hilarity of epic proportion is always served on EgoTV’s Facebook Page.

The Links

7 Video Game Icons That Teach Bad Lessons To Kids – [Guyism]
It’s Not Good to Sleep with Random Strangers You Just Met Online – [The Smoking Jacket]
The 5 White Characters in Every Tyler Perry Movie – [Cracked]
Hilary Duff Gets Bootylicious At The ATM Machine – [Popoholic]
A Collective Gallery of Weird Beach People – [Uncoached]
Picture Of The Day: Weatherboner – [Heavy]
The 12 Greatest Heist Movies – [Maxim]
Woman Arrested For Diddling And Driving – [The Frisky]
Joe Jonas Ashley Greene Kiss Staged – [Celeb Jihad]
First McDonald’s in Soviet Russia – [Double Viking]
Sideline Reporter Pegged by Soccer Ball – [Bro Bible]
The Upside of a Football Gambling Addiction – [Holy Taco]
Oakland Ball Boy Gets Date With Jacki Lynch & She’s All Smiles! – [Busted Coverage]
Inappropriate Robot Is Inappropriate – [Gamma Squad]
The Family That Drinks Together, Stays Together. In Jail. – [Noob Dad]

Click photo for more masterpieces made entirely of Legos.

The picture above is a replica of an aircraft carrier made entirely of Legos. It proves two things; the first is that people have much too much time on their hands and secondly that I didn’t think enough when using my Legos. I could build guns, bigger guns and really cool walls. I didn’t dedicate enough of my time to the craft. Probably because Legos sucked.

A good place to dedicate your time is the EgoTV’s Facebook Page.

The Links

Leaf through a magazine from the 90’s and you’re bound to see at least one, possibly two Absolut vodka ads. At one point they must have appeared in every Sports Illustrated for a good five year stretch. At the time they seemed like the only ads running in every major mag. People ripped out their favorites and hung them in their rooms, lockers and anywhere that needed a little manly decorating. Laugh if you want but those ads were pretty groundbreaking and artistic. Better than anything you could come up with.

Grab a glass, some ice and some…well, I’ll let you pick your poison. Here is a gallery of classic Absolut ads.

So it turns out that Fantasia’s suicide attempt is the news right now.   Honestly I had completely forgotten about her name until I read that she wanted to kill herself.   Turns out that Fantasia was tired of people doing her wrong and the “barrage of negative press” surrounding her.

Look, I’m no celebrity and honestly I don’t know how I’d take to being famous.  I just know that killing myself certainly wouldn’t be an option.  I mean learn to deal with it man.  You’re famous.  You make good money.  Relax.  It’s not like Fantasia was even that big of a celebrity in the first place.

Come on man.  I can think of some more high profile people that really SHOULD think about putting an end to their lives.  And here they are…

Justin Bieber

If you’re not like 6 years old how is it possible to like this guy?  I feel like someone sold their soul to the devil and made millions of people enjoy this little puke of a kid who tries to be black.  Yeah I said it.  Tries to be hip hop?  Tries to be whatever.  I don’t know.  I just know that if this little punk doesn’t take his own life then I’m personally going to kill him….or not.  Still though.  Screw you Bieber.

Miley Cyrus

Here’s my theory.  The direction she’s going is clearly Playboy. There’s no question she’s going to bare it all at some point.  That or have a sex tape.  Then, if her music ends up sucking the sex tape might lead to porn.  Porn?  Drugs.  Drugs?  Eventual suicide.  So just save the next 5-10 years of suckiness and end it now.

Britney Spears

I guess when she was at the point of shaving her head she probably should have done it. But honestly I just saw this hour long program that featured nothing but Britney videos when she was hot.  If she saw this program she’d definitely want to kill herself.  When you’ve been THAT hot once and know you’ll never look like that again?  What in the hell is the point of living?

Heidi Montag

She’s already a piece of wood anyway.  Just end it all Heidi.   Please.

Tom Sizemore

The fact that there’s a woman out there who actually wants to have sex with Tom Sizemore sickens me to no end.  I just don’t understand things like that.  How many rehabs can you go to?  How off the deep end can you possibly get?  Appearing in Entourage looking like the jackass you are?  Just end it man.

Bruce Jenner

Being the little “bitch” of all the Kardashian women would definitely drive me to the edge.  That and I’m surprised he hasn’t just bought a leather bag and replaced his face completely.  This man was an iron man for Christs’s sake!  There’s no way he has a penis.

Spencer Pratt

A very close second on my list of hated males to Justin Bieber is definitely this piece of shit.  I’m done.

There is a reason they are called fads. It’s because they disappeared just as quickly as they blew up in popularity. One minute everyone in the world wants one and the next you’re getting mocked for still having one. Always seemingly like a good idea at the time, in retrospect, they were pretty damn pointless.

Today’s Fad: The Fanny Pack.

Hitting their peak of popularity in the late 1980s and early-1990s, the fanny pack or belly bag was a small fabric pouch secured with a zipper and worn at the waist by a strap around the hips or waist. It was worn up front to show everyone what a massive dork was coming their way.

Here are some quick facts you might not have knows about the fanny pack:

Also known as the belt pack (US), belly bag (US), Buffalo pouch (US), hip sack (US), hip pack (UK), bum bag (UK, Canada, Oceania), moon bag (South Africa), the Joe bag, or man bag.

The name “fanny pack” comes from the fact that they were traditionally worn facing the rear above the butt, or fanny. Despite the name, many do not wear fanny packs on the back, because it makes them an easier targets for thieves and pick-pockets rendering them ugly AND pointless.

Hulk Hogan still wears one.

The handiness and ease of opening of fanny packs has made them a popular option for holsters and storing loaded handguns. For nut cases.

For some, their resurrection is a form of ironic retro fashion. That’s a nice way of saying “f’n hipsters wear them”.

Many top designers such as The North Face, Gucci, Prada, Coach, Marc Jacobs, and Louis Vuitton have taken the opportunity to resurrect and redesign the fanny pack. Which means they will be back in fashion any minute now. Thanks a**holes.

Wrestlers of the 1980’s kept their painkillers, Sharpie pens and steroid syringes in their packs. Just a guess.

Long live the fanny pack in our memories and in our closet. See you on the next trip to Disney!

Teens are getting addicted to something far more dangerous than drugs, alcohol or the comedy stylings of Nipsy Russell. Texting! It could be killing your child! Tonight on the make you piss your pants before sleep 11 pm news!

It’s not that drastic, but a new study says texting is like crack to the young folk.

Statistics show 80 percent of all 15 to 18-year-olds own a cell phone. And the rate of texting has sky rocketed 600 percent in three years. The average teen sends 3,000 texts a month.

I’ll bet those same studies show actually talking on the cell phone is down one billion percent. Texting is a five minute phone call that takes three hours to text. Before there was texting, there was calling a friend on the phone to say things. A hundred phone calls a day. Do you see what I’m getting at here.

Here is where they freak out parents.

Neuroimaging studies show the same brain areas are stimulated with both texting and using heroin.

That is terrible because I’ve blown so much money on heroin over the past…I mean…that’s terrible and (shaking fist) this texting has to stop. Guess what? It won’t. And soon there will be Intervention shows about texting and Scared Straight specials where convicts yell at teens about the dangers of abbreviating and the future damage on their fingers and then the formation of M.A.T.T. (Mothers Against Texting Teens) which will be really annoying to anyone named Matt, but kind of cool in a way, because all these people will be walking around with shirts that have their names on the front.

Some texting addiction warning signs include losing track of time because of excessive texting, neglecting eating and sleeping, having a constant need for more, and suffering negative repercussions, like ignoring others or lying because of texting.

Also known as “being a teen”. Wake me up when there is a sexting issue. Better yet, just forward the pics to me. I’ll be out looking to score some cell phone (wink wink).

Health: Teens & Text Addiction – [CBS 3]

Oh how they rise and fall.  I gotta say in his prime Mike Tyson was one of my favorite boxers in the world.  True story.  I actually met him when I was around 8 years old.  I was with my family in NYC and we went to Tiffany Jewelers just to look around.  There he was in a mink coat laying out 100 dollar bills for what was to be a gift for Robin Givens at the time.

My brother went right up to him and shook his hand.  He actually patted me on the head and said “what’s up champ?”  It’s been 22 years since that moment and I’d say quite a bit has gone on for the former champ.

In fact so much so that we’ve got people taking pictures of his former mansion.  That friggin’ sucks.

Thanks to the photography of Mike Adams we’re able to see these photos.

Check out the pics below