AGGGHHHH!!! It’s the Quaker Oats Guy!!!! That rosy-cheeked old dude who looks like a cross in between Ben Franklin and the Zodiac Killer. I mean, why can’t Quaker Oatmeal at least come up with a cool cartoon mascot like a lizard or a boll weevil or something. But no, it’s that drunken Quaker, staring at you from the cardboard box, cheeks as rosy as an alcoholic’s on a brisk December morn. And what’s with the hair? I mean, do all Quakers grow out that white afro, on top of which they affix their little Quaker hats? Is that the only way that thing could stay on there? And forgive me, but I sometimes shudder at what he’s thinking behind that stolid smile. Maybe how many Oxen he has to milk after the three o’ clock butter-churn?

But at least he looks human.

That’s more than can be said of the Six Flags guy (Mr. Six). You know, the ingenious mascot some ad wizard came up with in a pot-fueled haze (no doubt). His job is to lure little kids into begging their parents to take them to a place where they can wait in hour-long lines to take crazy rides that will just make them throw up the fried dough they begged for.

He looks like the living corpse of Uncle Junior from the Sopranos! Yeah! Great! A deranged, undead mob boss who dances around with a cane?  Hey Timmy, come meet your new friend! Six Flags!

So… who scares you more: The Quaker Oats guy or the Six Flags – Uncle-Junior Look-alike? Let us know below.

Well, that’s exactly what Ichiro Suzuki has done. The diminutive freak of nature is such a phenom. He is perhaps the biggest household name in Japan, and one of the biggest “First-name-recognized” in the world. Ya know, like Lebron, or Tiger, or… Madonna.

How does one little pipsqueak of a skinnamarink of a guy hit “lasers” all over Japan, and then dominate major-league pitching? How does he throw rockets from the right field wall to home on the fly? Hurling tires, swinging shovels at whiffle balls, and other agility drills? Just goes to show you why baseball is awesome. You don’t have to be huge to be ridiculous. Just how ridiculous? Let’s take a look:

Ichiro wasn’t drafted until the fourth and final round of the Japanese league draft. Hey, would you draft an 18-year-old 120-pound kid? The young Ichiro responded by homering off of future NL rookie of the year Hideo Nomo!… only to be sent back down to the farm system that very day because the coaches didn’t buy Ichiro’s unorthodox swing. And if you’ve ever seen Ichiro’s “pendulum swing,” you know what I mean:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=2om0QdeI5iY

Eventually, Ichiro finally got a coach that didn’t have a huge stick up his ass. He moved him to the top of the order, where, of course, he quickly produced, and was brought up to the, majors, where in 1995, he lead the Blue Wave to their first pennant in 12 years. The following year, Ichiro won the MVP and led the team to win the Japan Series.

In his nine seasons in Japan, Ichiro had 1,278 hits, a .353 career batting average, and won seven Gold Glove Awards.

Then, he signed with the Seattle Mariners.

“Sure, he could hit… in Japan, but in the major leagues? Come on.” That might be why Ichiro signed for just a three-year, fourteen million-dollar deal. But sure enough, when Ichiro showed up in the big bad major leagues as the first full-time Japanese player, he dominated. He took #51, the number given to former Mariners’ star Randy Johnson. Feeling uneasy, Ichiro called Johnson and promised not to “bring shame” to the uniform. He sure didn’t. He got 242 hits that year, the most by an MLB player since 1930. He led the league in both batting average (.350) and steals (56), the first player to do that since Jackie Robinson. In his first major league game, he wowed fans by showing off his howitzer throwing arm  in a play that one Japanese announcer dubbed, “The Throw.”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nTujNsRRQg

How much pride did Japan take in Ichiro’s success? Well… Fans from Japan were taking $2,000 baseball tours, sometimes flying in and out of the U.S. just to watch Ichiro’s games. More than 150 Japanese reporters and photographers were given media access. Ichiro was the first rookie to lead the vote for the all-star game.

In 2004, Ichiro had his best season ever, breaking the 84-year-old record for hits in one season, with 262 hits.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtImIqR5neU

Sportswriter Bruce Jenkins described Ichiro’s distinctive style of play:

“There’s nobody like Ichiro in either league—now or ever. He exists strictly within his own world, playing a game 100 percent unfamiliar to everyone else. The game has known plenty of ’slap’ hitters, but none who sacrifice so much natural ability for the sake of the art… Ichiro, a man of wondrous strength, puts on impressive power-hitting displays almost nightly in batting practice. And he’ll go deep occasionally in games, looking very much like someone who could do it again, often… [but] the man lives for hits, little tiny ones, and the glory of standing atop the world in that category. Every spring, scouts or media types write him off, swearing that opposing pitchers have found the key, and they are embarrassingly wrong.”

Even though Ichiro is entering his late thirties, he’s currently hitting 350 this year and shows little sign of slowing up. He’s won the gold glove nine times, every year in the majors. He’s a three-time Silver Slugger Award winner, a two-time batting champion,  and continues to get 200 hits every year, setting a record for most in one’s career, with nine straight. He continues to wow us with moments like this off Mariano Rivera:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRtjEoX0FIs

He’s a baseball ninja.

So how much influence does Ichiro have in the global sports universe?

Tony Attanasio, Ichiro’s agent, described his client’s status like this: “When you mail Ichiro something from the States, you only have to use that name on the address and he gets it [in Japan]. He’s that big.”

Eat your heart out, A-Rod!

Drugs

“Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds,” “Day Tripper,” that weird thing at the end of “Sergent Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band,” vs. … “Sister Morphine?” Hmmm. Definitely Beatles. At least they remind us that drugs are supposed to be fun! And who said the Rolling Stones were the “bad boys” in this competition? Advantage: Beatles

Chicks

Linda McCartney and Yoko Ono against, well Mick Jagger’s two wives, four baby-mamas, and God knows how many other affairs. Verdict: we’ll give points to John and Paul for going for relatively normal marriages to intelligent women, but… c’mon… this is Rock n’ Roll! Gotta go with the guy who penned “Brown Sugar” back in ‘71, inspired by soul singer and then-Jagger girlfriend Marsha Hunt…after which ol’ Mick went on to have several affairs and relationships with Nicaraguan actress/fashion icon Bianca De Macias, all-American model Jerry Hall, Brazilian fashion model Luciana Gimenez, American fashion designer L’Wren Scott…etc. Yes, Mick enjoys women of all colors and styles…as long as they’re models.  Advantage: Rolling Stones

Threads

Hmmm. Those Sergent pepper’s outfits or Mick’s skin-tight leather pants? Keith Richards’ signature bandanna and eye liner or John Lennon’s naked, well, self? Hmm… they’re all pretty weird dressers. Mick is drawn to female designers, as he tends to make them his wife or girlfriend shortly after shagging. Advantage: Call it a draw.

Musical Chops

The Beatles seem like the choice here, at first glance. The Beatles, you have to understand, were like the Backstreet Boys of their day, only back in those days, you actually had to write your own music and know how to compose a song. Can you imagine. So what if the Backstreet Boys or Jonas Brothers or NSync suddenly started dropping acid and wrote far out songs with dissonant chords, odd structures, or whole concept albums along the lines of the genius final ‘69 opus, “Abbey Road?” The Beatles definitely had more brainpower flowing… and expanding, depending what they were on. On the other hand, do you really want too many musical chops in a pure Rock n’ Roll band? I mean, the Rolling Stones could get more punch and variety out of a three-chord rock song than one would think humanly possible, and that may be more difficult than all of the strange musical flourishes of the White Album and all of George Martin’s string arrangements combined. Advantage: Draw

Fan Mania

Sure, the Rolling stones have a long history and many adherent fans who have done the signature “tongue” every time they kick ass at the Garden. In ‘69, they even had a death during that crazy incident with the Hell’s Angels, for which Mick was later targeted for assassination by crazy, Motorcycle-riding bad-asses. On the other hand, there was NOTHING like Beatlemania. Thousands and thousands of screaming girls, the likes of which the world had never seen. And the performance on Ed Sullivan is one of the most watched events in history. Advantage: Beatles

Seems to me the Beatles have the slight edge... What do you think?

Then, a lightening bolt struck the lake.

When Marty came to, he was getting mouth-to-mouth from a Bangaledeshi cab driver. Marty shot up, vomited, and then ran out of the park and over to sixth avenue, where he caught a glimpse of the New York Stock Exchange ticker. He looked at Microsoft, up three points. “Damned Microsoft” the guy next to him said. “Down again.” “What?,” Marty said. “It’s up three points!” The man looked at Marty confusedly and walked on. Sure enough, Marty looked back up to the sticker and it was down two. “Weird,” he thought. Then Marty looked at his digital watch. The date was flashing between the present day, a dreary Tuesday, and the next day, Wednesday, the 12th of May.

“Hmm…” Marty thought.

The next day, he looked at a page of the paper, which was balled up and thrown at him by a poor unsuspecting woman whom Marty had hit on not-so-tactfully that morning.  Fortunately, it was the business section. Even in print, the days and numbers were flashing. Turns out, Microsoft had in fact, closed up three points. So, Marty looked at all the stocks, and eventually figured out which company was going to go up by the most points the next day. He put all his change into the stock, Nitro-Cell, Inc. and got back double his money the next day.

Then he did it the next day. Then the next. On weekends, he’d move from stocks to sports, and once he’d garnered a million dollars, decided to put it all on the long shot at the Kentucky Derby. He won, and instantly became a billionaire. At the celebration party, he was able to see a vision of himself banging “Ms. Kentucky Derby” at the hotel. That happened later.

Before long, Marty was on the covers from GQ to Vanity Fair. Wunderkind investor, ladies man, and world traveler. THe one time sketchy Lothario with no money was now Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, and “The Situation” combined.

One day, while on the veranda of his Costa Rican mansion overlooking the crashing waves of the Pacific, he saw a vision of what was to come… that the next day, a Mexican drug cartel was coming to kidnap him.

Immediately, Marty took his supermodel-lady friend by the hand and lead her out of the house as they raced for the private jet-landing strip. Quickly, they rushed into the cabin  as Marty shouted “Vamanos, Miguel!,” to Miguel, his own personal pilot. “Aye, aye,” said Miguel, who seemed to be suffering from a cold. Immediately, the plane took off and Marty breathed a sigh of relief.

Then, 30,000 feet up, the cockpit door flew open. So did the bathroom door. Six members of the Mexican Drug Gang “El Ninos” aimed their firearms  at Marty and his smokin’ hot girlfriend.  “Maria, if I die, just remember… I love you!” Marty shouted. “That’s too bad,” Maria responded, as she smiled and then joined the other gang members, revealing her treacherous nature.

The leader of the cartel stepped up to Marty and asked him a question: “Tell us your secret, how you can predict the future, or we’re going to cut your fingers off, one by one!”

“I can’t! It involves getting struck by lightening!” Marty said.

“Do it, or else!”

Marty looked at Miguel, tied up helplessly in the cockpit. He looked at the window.

So, if you could tell the future, what would you do?

Don’t get greedy, now.

So, what will baseball look like in 25 years? As an expert fantasy player, former high school second-baseman, and a Daryl Strawberry fan since I was two, I’ve been able to peer into the future and see what is to come:

1. Umpires are rendered obsolete, as drone satellites use ultraviolet radio waves to track balls and strikes, as well as call runners out. Tragedy ensues one when a satellite accidentally zaps Albert Pujols with a laser instead of merely declaring him “out.”

2. When Albert Pujols is zapped, it is revealed that he is not a human after all, but a cyborg from the planet Xenu, here to destroy the earth.

3. Jason Heyward then reveals that he is actually “The Kracken” from Clash of the Titans (thanks Matthew Berry, ESPN fantasy podcast)

4. The Yankees, in addition to having the highest payroll in baseball, are also a big enough business to buy the entire country of Greece, instead of a 25th man on the roster.The country of Greece bats .236 in its rookie year and is a general disappointment.

5. Dustin Pedroia injects a substance into his bat which allows him to transform baseballs into  actual “lasers.” Look out, third basemen.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPvMOVFshyI

6. Jamie Moyer is still playing and is the first major leaguer to play on the same team with his great-grandson.

7. Rickey Henderson makes an epic comeback to the majors at the age of 80. He eventually returns, and in his first game, steals a base. Then keels over and dies. Truly “The Greatest.”

8. Roger Clemens is just getting out of jail from all his perjury convictions.

9. An Eric Byrnes bobble-head comes alive on Eric Byrnes bobble-head night,  and goes all “Chucky-style” on a horrified sold-out crowd. The doll is eventually taken down by a policeman’s taser-gun.

10. Gambling from fantasy baseball becomes a bigger business than the Dow Jones.

And that’s it. Oh, and Omar Minaya is still making terrible trades.

On the other hand, another border state, Texas, has welcomed a relief pitcher who also happens to be not from this country with open arms. Why? Because he can throw a baseball about eight hundred miles per hour.

So, let’s say I’m a police officer near the border in Arizona. Okay, stop laughing. I know a nerdy Jew from New York might not fit the profile of the buzz-cut, stern church-going officer, but for this exercise, bear with me. Anyway, back to the “beat”… So, now that I’m on patrol, and I see that a van happens to be speeding in an old pickup truck with a tarp. Now, I pull the guy over, and instead of being regular-wary, I’m not totally freaked, because if this guy doesn’t have his papers, or he forgot his wallet at home, maybe he’ll just grab his piece in the glove compartment and open fire? What was he doing with a gun but without his wallet? Well, in Arizona, guns are more important than wallets, or ID. HAven’t you seen the tea party rallies from there? I heard you can buy a foot-long sandwich for 4 8-calibur bullets at Subway throughout the state.

And besides the driver, what, or who, might be under that tarp? Are they armed, too? How scared are they that I may ask them for papers? All in all, this law is just a big shit situation for all concerned.

On the other hand….

I step into the batter’s box. We’re one run down to the Texas Rangers. I have a chance to win the game… and then they bring a guy named Neftali Feliz.

For those of you who don’t know, Neftali Feliz is a 21-year-old Domincan dude who throws over 100 mph out of the stretch. Yikes. Have you ever had a hard round object like, oh, say, a baseball coming at you at 100 mph form 60 feet? You have about 0.2 seconds to decide if the pitch is a ball, a strike, or if it is coming at your head to give you a life-long speech impediment or worse.

Yes, Feliz came up to the majors last year in a middle-relief role for the Texas Rangers, whose President is hall-of fame pitcher Nolan Ryan. I’m thinking this guy knows about pitchers. Anyway, when he made his splash, he had 39 strikeouts in 39 innings, going 1-0 with a 0.68 whip and a 1.94 era and 2 saves. Ridiculous. And when Rangers’ closer Frank Francisco faltered earlier this season, it didn’t take long for Rangers manager Ron Washington to decide who to put in there. Maybe the guy who clocks 102 on a regular basis? Yeah.

So far, Feliz has done well in the closer roll, though the workload seems to have taken a toll on him recently. He had “dead-arm” last week and his velocity plunged all the way to… god forbid… a mere 95 mph on his fastball, one of which Miguel Cabrera knocked over the right field wall. Still, the 21-year-old has the current hold on the closer’s roll for Texas, so if you get any Rangers’ games on TV, turn ‘em on and check Feliz out…. Also check out how petrified opposing batters are when they step up to the plate.

So, which situation scares you more? Pulling over someone as a police officer in Arizona, or facing Neftali Feliz and his plus-100 fastball.

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Oh, and yes, I know I did another Julianne Moore dilemma recently. You may ask, hey, does this guy have a weird subconscious gravitation to the raven-haired beauty? The answer: I don’t know. She always seems to be locked in some sort of fight-to-the-death competition with another woman in things I watch, which makes for interesting dilemmas. But I’m not going to compare Moore to Banks, but rather “Nancy Donovan” from Bahhhhhston or Avery Jessup, the hot young “Hot Box” host (the operative word there being, “hot”), and picture myself as executive star Jack Donaghy, played by Alec “Always Be Closing” Baldwin. (Bonus points if you can get the movie I just referenced).

Nancy Donovan

Does not every man have one gal from his distant past — in the case of Jack Donaghy, the very distant past — whom he’d like to have another shot with? Say your first girlfriend went on to marry another guy from your high school — who was a huge douchebag –and that you’re middle-aged, unmarried, and wondering if you’ll ever find your soul mate like that first gal who had “it?” That “it” being an extensive knowledge of beer, food, the Boston Red Sox, and never pronouncing your “r”’s.  Well, after a reconnection via social networking, you, the playboy executive helming GE into the twenty-first century — could now have that chance! Nancy Donovan is single once again, and looking into her blue eyes, you still see that same old gal — plus 20 pounds and with crow’s feet. But still…. you’ve always had a bit of a Milf fetish anyway, because of your overbearing Irish mother. Wouldn’t it be great to recapture that magic of your bygone youth, getting back the one that got away, and sticking it to that dumb jock who nabbed her from you those 30 years ago? Sounds awesome.

However, you’d be passing up:

Avery Jessup

Then, of course, there’s the hot, younger blonde with a brain, to boot! She’s well versed in the hard and fast world of New York City big business. Not only is she probably a tomcat in the sac, but she’s also a, youthful, energetic runner with amazing abs. Being with the more “spry” business reporter not only makes you feel younger, but she’s also a helpful asset to get inside information about your corporate foes. With her at your side, you may very well go on to dominate the business world and be one of the “it” couples of Manhattan. The cons? Well, if she catches you cheating or if you choose Nancy over her, she might use intimate knowledge to destroy your sterling career.

On the other hand, she is a perky 36, and she resembles that freak who pleasured herself in a bathtub in The 40 Year Old Virgin.

Hmmm… I guess we’ll just have to let “30 Rock” writer Tina Fey decide for us. Which would you choose?

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Anyway, back to your bass, tenor, alto, soprano, who are sworn to follow you around and do your bidding. Wouldn’t it be great if you could unleash the magic of a well-crafted diddy, lyrics furnished by you of course, on your sworn enemies? I think so.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wlda63-I_yY

First, you approach your old boss. You know, the one that you used to be an assistant to? Remember, he made you come in at 5 am so you could water his plants, walk his three dogs, and verbally abused you when you couldn’t complete all the impossible tasks he assigned you? Well then, just take your barbershop quartet to his front lawn, beneath his bedroom, and sing for him and his wife, “Gary gets Happy Ending Massages 4 Times a Week,” a little diddy you’d scribbled for Gary’s wife, Brenda, the night before. Maybe Brenda leaves him after hearing the song, then gives you her own revenge “happy ending.” And as we all know, revenge coitus is the best coitus.

Next, you can take your barbershop quartet out for lunch. You enter a Subway, only to find a line out the door. Cue up your barbershop quartet to break out a version of, “Goodbye My Coney Island Baby.” While every one is distracted by the intrusive a capella group singing and holding their stupid hats out for tips, you quickly slip through your sandwich specifications.

Next up, your ex. Take your barbershop quartet to your ex’s new condo, which she’s recently moved into with her minor-league-athlete boyfriend. Sucks for you, until you bring your barbershop quartet to his door while she’s out as they sing, “The Time Melanie Shat Her Pants When She Laughed To Hard.” That’ll leave “Lance” with a fantastic image in his head and will hopefully destroy their relationship.

Next up, your parents. Sure, they think you’re some kind of slacker-stoner with no direction in life. They also think that you’re a disappointment to the family. But this will all change when they hear the beautiful harmonies of the classic, “Look Ma’ and Pa’, I’ve Got A F#$%ing Barbershop Quartet at My Disposal, What Do You Have?” That’s an old favorite.

Then onto the kid who bullied you in third grade and stole your lunch money. Go down to the cabstand where he works now and have your barbershop quartet sing out,”Hey Douchebag, I Have a Barbershop Quartet And You Drive A Cab.” Then run like hell, because he’s probably still bigger than you.

Next up? That police officer who gave you a ticket for going 3 miles an hour over the speed limit. You pull up to the police station and entertain the criminals locked behind bars, as your barbershop quartet sings a fantastic arrangement of Ice T’s, “F$&k the Police.” Their performance is so intense it sparks a prison riot, and then they actually wind up getting arrested and put in jail.

Oh crap, now you’ve lost your quartet. Might not want to go after the police.

So, what would you do if you had a barbershop quartet and a List of People Who Done You Wrong?

Happy 4/20 all! Here are some hot links to commemorate this special day.

1. Dorm Room Girls

2. 10 Worst Wives and Girlfriends from Literature

3. 7 Best Foods To Eat Whilst Stoned

4. 5 Porn Stars Your Mom Might Approve of

5. The Big Lebowski-MacGuyver Mashup You’ve Been Looking For

6. Super Chuck Norris Bros.

7. Smoking with “Mad Men’s ” Michael Gladis

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Sure

You are over 50, your mortgage is underwater, your savings have been obliterated in a Ponzi scheme, your wife has left you, and the only “sure” thing in your life right now is your deodorant, the low-cost brand that you’ve been buying since you last saw their ads on TV… in the mid-nineties (back when you had money).

Right Guard

You are in the army. You think that deodorants should be spray-only and that scented roll-ons are for homos. You wear “wifebeater” undershirts and listen to Eminem 24/7.

Old Spice

You wish your were born in 1928. You listen to Frank Sinatra, John F. Kennedy is your favorite President, and James Bond is your favorite secret agent. You’ve seen the movie “Swingers” 67 times and have taken swing dancing lessons, hoping to live out the fantasy of sweeping a Heather Graham look-alike off her feet at a Silverlake or Brooklyn hipster bar. You are stubbornly against technology, until everyone around you starts using something and you finally give in. Next up for you is the I-Pad.

Axe

You are in a fraternity and are under-sexed. Or you’re a junior analyst at a hedge fund, where you work 12 hours a day… and are undersexed. You spend a lot of time on facebook. You have a porn addiction. That’s right, I’m looking at you, EgoTV readers! Just kidding…. but not really. You bought a guitar which you can’t really play, but  you (sort of) know the three chords to “Brown-Eyed Girl.” Your favorite band is Coldplay.

Polo

You grew up in Greenwich Connecticut or the upper East side of Manhattan. You play golf several times a week. You have a trust fund. You wear $300 jeans. Either that, or you are a hip-hop music mogul.

Armani

You own a ferrari… or dream of owning one. You buy lots of self-help books and your idol is Tony Robbins. You work in sales of some kind. You wish you had a cooler last name that you currently do, especially one that ended in a vowel. You also do copious amounts of cocaine.

Speed Stick

You sweat A LOT. And you smell really bad. Too bad that “shower fresh all day long” thing is just a marketing ploy. It really lasts the same as the others.

Gillette

You are a jock, and will buy whatever deodorant the most famous athletes are advertising. You play pick-up basketball on the weekends. You live in the gym when you’re outside of work. You may or may not be coupling this deodorant with performance-enhancing anabolic steroids. In fact, you heard a rumor that Gilette deodorant actually contains performance-enhancing drugs. This is not true.  You are currently cheating on your girlfriend, who is an idiot.

And that… is all you need to know next time you’re at the drugstore.

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Why did KFC go for this invention of evil genius? “They told us they were looking for something meatier,” Javier Benito, executive vice president of marketing and food innovation at KFC stated. Apparently we strapping young men were not getting our fair share of meat in the traditional “2-bread” sandwich, their consumer surveys showed.

And yet, as scary as the KFC Double Down is, is it scarier than getting shot? No, probably not. But what about getting shot… with a bulletproof vest? There, you have a conundrum.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8hHkNPmqCk

On the one hand, you have the pain issue. Now, the KFC double-down is sure to give a shot of ecstasy to your taste buds, as the fried, gooey goodness dances around on your tongue and flows gloriously down your esophagus into your waiting tummy. Mmmm…

However, about an hour later, that brick you feel in your duodenum (look it up) will likely negate any and all pleasure you once felt. But at least you’ll be able to catch up on your reading during those hours you’ll be spending on the john that night.

Now getting shot with a bullet-proof vest, from all accounts, feels like getting punched in the ribs while you’re relaxed and not expecting it. No, you won’t go flying through a window, like Hollywood says you will. The vest takes the impact of the bullet and spreads it around your body in a less concentrated area. You might suffer some bruises or a broken bone, but you’ll live… as long as you don’t get hit in the neck or face.

So, it appears that from a pure pain level, a day-long stomach ache is no match for a deep bruise or a broken rib. So far, getting shot is more fear-inducing than the sandwich of the devil.

But then, there’s also the heart-attack possibility.

When getting shot with a bullet-proof vest, you’re likely not to die, unless you happen to get shot right in the heart and your ribs break inward, or maybe if you have a weak left ventricle and the awesome impact makes your blood-pumper conk out. Possible? Yes. Likely? No. On the other hand, wasn’t getting punched in the solar-plexis how Houdini died? Hmmm…

However, regarding the “Double-Down…”

… the DD is about 1,380 milligrams of salt (about 60% of what the federal government recommends for an entire day’s consumption) and 10 grams of saturated fat (about 50% of a day’s supply). “This new KFC product has about as much sodium as a 50 year old man should consume in one day,” it has been said.

Therefore, the risk of an artery-clogging heart-exploding death by a thousand breadcrumbs is definitely there.

But if you want to live life on the edge, the KFC Double-Down is only available for the next six weeks, so hurry if you feel like cheating death sometime soon!

What do you think is the scarier prospect? Let us know below!

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2. Your Favorite Fast Food Icons Get High and Go to a Fast Food Restaurant

3. 15 Real Life Mad Scientists

4. 5 Predictions for the New Conan O’Brien Show on TBS

5. Lori Loughlin Interview and Pics

6. Top 10 Ways oo Project a Higher Status

7. Heidi Montag Flaunts Super-Breasts in Vegas

2. Take a Moment to Meet Eva Padberg and Her Lingerie

3. Event Name FAIL: The Sleep Around Challenge

4. CJ Gibson is Hooooot

5. How To Choose a Cologne

6. 25 Awesome Mini Golf Courses

7. Mickey Rourke Wants a F$%^in’ Beer

The early 3-D films used what is called an anaglyph system. In an anaglyph, the two images are superimposed in an additive light setting through two filters, one red and one cyan. In a subtractive light setting, the two images are printed in the same complementary colors on white paper. Glasses with colored filters in each eye separate the appropriate images by canceling the filter color out and rendering the complementary color black. However, this version of 3-D never really made an impact because of the costs involved and difficulty with quality control — two obstacles that would continue to plague the technology.

3-D technology came back for a few years in the early fifties with the advent of TV. Needing a gimmick to get people back out to the theaters, studios began looking to 3-D features again. What aficionados consider the “golden era” of 3-D began in 1952 with the release of the first color stereoscopic feature, Bwana Devil, produced, written and directed by Arch Oboler. During this time, people used the now-familiar cardboard glasses with one red and one blue lens, the same glasses that were popular with comic books at the time. Among these 3-D films were the original House of Wax (no, the Paris Hilton version was NOT the original) as well as other masterpieces like the super-low-budget Robot Monster.

Then, 3-D films went away again when the less cumbersome Cinerama format came out. The anamorphic widescreen was a cheaper way to wow audiences than 3-D. And the anamorphic prints never had the projection problems 3-D films had, such as the need for two projectors and two identical prints to be projected simultaneously. The result was often a picture that was hard on the eyes if not projected perfectly.

But now, with TV being kicked up a notch and IMAX technology, 3-D has come back. This time, it’s in a digital form, thanks to… who else… James Cameron. Well not really him; he had a 3-D HD camera built for his 2003 documentary, Ghosts of the Abyss, by the technician Vince Pace. Then, a bunch of animated movies followed before the recent box-office smashes Avatar and Alice and Wonderland.The new technology is called polarization.

Polarization is what happens when two images are projected superimposed onto the same screen through different polarizing filters. The viewer wears low-cost eyeglasses which also contain a pair of different polarizing filters. As each filter passes only that light which is similarly polarized and blocks the light polarized in the opposite direction, each eye sees a different image, thus producing the 3-D effect. This is done with the digital projectors we have today. However, the technology is still being refined and perfected.

But the question remains….is it all worth it?

To examine, let’s go through the pros and the cons.

On the con side, there’s the obvious issue of price. It seems after the success of Avatar, the studios have decided to jack up the price for the next batch of 3-D films, trying to squeeze as much money as quickly as possible from the movie-going public. This will probably have us all looking for the next new thing: 3-D home TV’s. Ah well, who’s thinking about the long-term anyway?

Second, does the 3-D effect actually make the film more pleasurable? Let’s see, you have a tremendous amount of cartoon action going on screen, the Dolby speakers blowing your drums out, you’re trying to follow the action of the story as the hero chases some sort of galactic tiger through the jungle. And to top it off, now I have to dodge stuff flying at me through the screen? Then, I nudge my fellow movie-goer next to me and ask, “What was that line? What did he say?” “OHHHHH!,” my neighbor recoils from a laser fired by his right ear, abruptly lifting his hands up and smacking me in the face. Nice!

Third, is the technology really enhancing our fascination with movies? 3-D has been with us from the beginning of film, like I described above, and it has always given at least a few moviegoers (myself included) a bit of a headache. It’s kind of like trying to stare at the tip of your nose for 2 hours. So, now you’re watching with a headache. And is the experience really better than, say, seeing Star Wars or Jurassic Park for the first time in 2-D? To put it another way… would the Mona Lisa be cooler if it were a 3-D sculpture?

And by the way, is anyone suspicious that the new 3-D polarization glasses might be adversely affecting your brain? I know that I usually feel dumber after coming out of an animated 3-D movie. Of course, that’s me… I feel dumb pretty often.

Of course, there are the pros: Things appear to sort of come out of the screen at you.

Hmm. That might be it.

If you take my advice and go for the regular, 2-D option, you’ll always be wondering, “Hmmm.. that movie was good, but could have been.. better? Maybe I should’ve seen it in 3-D.” Then, you’ll probably wind up going to see the 3-D anyway, or putting a 3-D TV in your house and buying your own brain-melting particle glasses. Then you’re even deeper in the hole.

Ah well, just see the 3-D the first time.

Look out for that spear!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3W-nCmN_Ovk

2. How To Travel Alone

3. Girl on Girl: Model Ashley Bennett

4. What’s Next For The Bentley Azure Convertible?

5. Top Athletes 21 and Under

6. The Legend of Fancy Ray

7. Letter from Tiger to Tiki: “Thanks, bro!!”

I was an eminently qualified accountant. Oh, sure, I wasn’t the highest on the totem pole at my firm, Boskowitz Accounting, but I was a machine… or the closest thing to a machine. I spotted every dollar and accounted for it all in neat, perfect grids. Sure, my fellow employees thought I had, quote, “zero personality,” but you know what? In an accountant, that’s practically a compliment.

I also had a lovely marriage with my adoring wife, Lucy, a clumsy yet well-intentioned Kindergarten teacher. Sure, she wasn’t exactly a playboy model, but she was a perfect partner for raising our 6-year old daughter, Kimrie. Our lawn was perfectly manicured outside our medium sized suburban home. Our off-white minivan was the most economical choice for our perfect family unit.

What, that doesn’t sound exciting? Well let me tell you about how my complacent, domestic life was shaken to its very knees….

Yes, it was a bright, sunny, normal spring day. The alarm awoke Lucy and me at the crack of 6 AM. It was the six-month anniversary of our last “doing it.” But when you consider the premium of getting a good night’s sleep in today’s high-paced modern I-topia, we were thankful for the extra rest our sexless marriage had afforded us. It wasn’t that we couldn’t do it anymore, it was that the spark had gone out. Can you imagine? With a guy like me?

After breakfast, Lucy dropped me off at the train where we exchanged a passionless kiss as we did every day as I set off for work, perfectly satisfied and even-keeled. Later in my office, I was balancing the credits and debits with absolute precision as I stared proudly at my work through my bifocals, when my a-hole of a boss, Lou Boskowitz, the agent for the company, asked me to come and meet a new client: Darla Von Hammen.

Yes, it was that Darla Von Hammen, the premiere porn star of the late aughts. She’d quit the biz in order to marry Heinrich Von Hammen, a German automobile mogul and billionaire. When he died, his new wife came into a fortune. Unfortunately, for her, the executors of her late husband’s will were not so forthcoming with the money, challenging her claim to half his fortune after only having screwed him for three months previous to his croaking.

“So… why do you need an accountant? Seems like you could use a lawyer,” I asked Darla, draped in her best skin-tight leopard-print dress… pushing her ample and surgically-enhanced breasts up in a manner that I can only assume defied the laws of physics.

“Well, since the funds were a tad tighter than I expected, I’ve had to supplement myself with little jobs here and there… usually… under the table.”

“Under the table?” I shuddered. I never did anything under the table, let alone the kind of things I suspected Darla had been doing.

“I need a creative accountant… can you help me? I’ll bet you’re good at hiding things,” she said, spreading her legs suggestively.

“Uuuuuhhhh…”  I belched. Suddenly, my forehead yielded several beads of sweat. My breath quickened. My hands started to shake. I became dizzy and nauseous. I ran from the room, horny and petrified.

“I can’t take this account.” I told my boss.

“Why the hell not, Drabek?” the sweaty, balding Lou Boskwitz exclaimed.

“She’s asking me to do something illegal.”

“Oh hogwash. Look, Drabek we need this account. Frankly, I don’t trust the other horn-dogs in this place to keep their wieners in their pants, but I thought I could trust you. You’re just so… responsible.”

It was strange, but I took that as an insult. Was I so buttoned up? Was I so straight-laced that even I could be resistant to the buxom charms of Darla Von Hammen? Was I…dead inside?

“Look, if you really won’t do it, I’ll give the account to someone else, but this won’t reflect well when you come up for evaluation and promotion.”

What did he think I was? His little errand boy?

“Thank you, sir. I still can’t,” I replied.

And with that, Lou stormed off to give the case to my friend Fred. No way was that going to end well with Darla. Fred gets his chest waxed every week.

I returned home to my adoring family where my wife Lucy was about to cook dinner. It was meatloaf night…just like every Tuesday. Then it dawned on me…

“Honey,” I said. “Let’s do something spontaneous, let’s get all gussied up and go out to that fancy French restaurant. Call a sitter.”

“There,” I thought. “Who’s boring and dependable now? A dinner! A five-star gourmet dinner, thank you very much.”

A smile came across Lucy’s face as she quickly agreed, called the sitter, and hopped into the bathroom for what was sure to be at least an hour of primping.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t get Darla Von Hammen out of my mind. What were those movies she was in? With Lucy frittering away in the shower, I headed to the computer in my home office. There I found an endless supply of Darla Von Hammen’s girl-on-girl scenes. “Wow,” I thought as I went to lock the office door, hoping to sneak a quick snake-charming before Lucy got out of the shower.

Later, at the restaurant, Lucy and I were dressed to impress. Looking at me longingly, she said, “I’m so glad we did this. You never take me out at the drop of a hat.”

“Awesome”, I thought. Tonight I was actually going to get some! The waiter, putting down two orders of filet mignon, asked us if this was our anniversary. “It is!” Lucinda lied. “Fantastique!,” the waiter said. “Here is a complimentary bottle of wine!”

We immediately felt the need to drink the free wine even though it was our second bottle. Before long, I was singing show tunes as Lucinda passed out on the table and began drooling on the napkin. The Maitre’D ordered us a cab.

Stumbling, bumbling, and fumbling through the front door, beat tired and completely spent, Lucy and I entered our house in the wee hours of the morning…and heard a distinct MOANING from my home office.

“Oh no.” I knew that moan.

Lucy ran to the office and found Kimrie, our sweet, innocent 6-year old, sitting in my chair, watching Darla Von Hammen’s porn!

“Oh boy.”

“Oh my God!” screamed Lucy, as she rushed to turn the computer off, not able to find the off button. “Where is the off button for God’s sakes?” she exclaimed as Darla engaged in a manage a trios on the screen while 6-year-old Kimrie stared wide-eyed.

“How did you find those videos?” Lucy asked hysterically. “Those are bad, bad videos.”

“They were on the ‘history’ on Daddy’s internet,” Kimrie said.  “Mommy, What were those people doing?!”

God damn, I hadn‘t cleared my history.

“Nothing! Horrible, terrible things! Things you should never, ever do,” Lucy said.

“Go to your room,” I said. Kimrie scampered off to her room yelling “Oh, baby! Oh, baby!”

I prepared for the worst, retreating to the bedroom as Lucy talked Kimrie down and put her to bed. Eventually, I heard Lucy walk towards me as I laid on the bed, looking at the ceiling.

“Is this what you want? Someone like Darla Van… whatever her name is? Some plastic doll that you can play with?”

“No… of course not!” I replied, scrambling for answers, trying to stay out of the doghouse…

“She was watching a ménage a trios, is that the kind of thing you like? Chicks, together?!

Oh God, this was a nightmare. My marriage is over.

“Cause If you really, really need it, I could see myself getting into that sort of thing.”

Jackpot.

“Well, I mean, if you really want to…” I said.

The moral of this story? If you want to preserve your long-term relationship, the burden’s on you to stir things up with a nice night-out for dinner, a thoughtful gift… or porn-star-laden three way accidentally saved on your computer.

Or maybe Lucy is just tooootallly cool.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8WiyX21A1c

2. Physical Implausibilities of Pokemon

3. 8 Game Shows Every Kid Wanted To Be On

4. 5 Ways She Wants You To Man Up

5. Top Ten Old Sayings We Need To Bring Back

6. Hot For Teachers With Megan Fox

7. 10 Ways To Impress A Woman With Your Home

Sports entertain us in many ways. The drama of competition, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat… or a broken arm. These are the moments that put us on the edge of our seats. Let’s face it, some of us can’t remember our relative’s names, but a lot of us can remember where we were when we watched Muhammed Ali (if you’re 60) or, at least when we saw Barry Bonds dressed in drag. However, some lucky photographers are fortunate enough to grab that very instant when a simple still frame says it all. And in pro sports, there’s a ton of them. Enjoy!… especially Barry Bonds in drag.

So let’s so if it BLENDS!!!! Woooo—hooooo!!!!

Let’s take a look at a hilarious video that is bound to make Steve Jobs cringe. “The I-PAd: Will it blend?” is today’s Viral Video of the Day!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAl28d6tbko

2. Mellisa Reign

3. How To Survive an Explosion

4. Masters Golf Schedule

5. World’s Dumbest Sports Reporter

7. Jennifer Nicole Lee Pics

BUT… none of those great plays comes CLOSE to what Marl Buehrle does in today’s Viral Video Of The Day!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRpVRotsMmU

2. 8 Sports Events That Should Be Yearly Holidays

3. Flowchart to Decide If YOu Should Buy an I-PAD

4. 12 Angry Men (with Hot Chicks)

5. How To Join The Mafia

6. The Kid From Jerry McGuire Is All Grown Up

7. It’s Official: Brett Favre Is A Grandpa

Anyhoo, let’s get to the pics!

Hey even says, “Screw Em” in it when referring to the dreaded, vile, Yanks!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkqAErSitJM

1. Well, that just made that way better…

2. 8 Douchiest things men do to impress women

3. Hotties of the Wild

4. The Extramarital Affair Handbook

5. A funny short film on Funnyordie

6. That Last Chick Is A Little Chubby

7. Jessica Burciaga’s 140 Greatest Hand-Bras of All Time

No acting up on the roller-coaster!!!! What, do you want to be killed? Sure, it seems like all fun and games while you’re screwing around for the picture on the drop, but before you know it, you’re gonna be splayed out on the pavement by the line. Or vomited on. Or hit in the head by a pigeon a la Fabio.

However, death might just be the price we have to pay for the privilege of these incredible rollercoaster photos. Witness the “I see dead people” to “the re-gurge” to “the raptor” to, of course, “bloody Fabio.”

2. Spanish Flight Attendants Strip For Calendar For Unpaid Wages

3. How To Be Charismatic

4. 7 Bad Things To Do On Friday

5. Clash of the Titans Actress Alexa Davalos

6. 25 Bombshell Bunnies for Easter

7. Girl on Girl with Kimberly Anderson

Competition and tears go hand in hand. The agony of defeat, humiliation, or a broken fibula, as well as the happy tears of joy at the successful achievement of one’s life’s work. Either way, we love to see those ripped six-foot-six dudes break down crying. Hey, that guy who could wipe the floor with me on the football field ain’t so tough! look! He’s crying!

The truth is, some of the best crying-athlete moments happen after some of the best (or worst) sports moments, so this is actually a pretty iconic gallery! Enjoy, and don’t let T.O. drip on your keyboard. Or Tiger. Or Romo. Or Federer. Or Kobe… or….

#9) The Wigwam Motel, Holbrook, Arizona

For road trips across this great country of ours, it’s fitting we start with a desert motel along the iconic American highway, Route 66, in Holbrook, AZ. The Wigwams were built by Chester E. Lewis, who saw his first chain of Apache Motels in Kentucky in 1938, and then set out to build his own in Arizona. In order to “copy” the idea of the initial Apache Motel Maven Frank Redford, Lewis installed jukeboxes in each “Wigwam,” charging a dime per song. He used the dimes to pay Redford for his idea.

Sure, the rooms inside aren’t much to look at, but the hokiness in pure Americana… So live (kinda) like the original Americans — the Native Americans — right in the shadow of the Apache, and Navajo reservations nearby. The “2 double-bed Wigwam” goes for just $58.00. Also, there are numerous “franchises” of Wigwam motels across the country, but don’t you want to stay in Apache country? Don’t worry, there hasn’t been an Indian raid in a hundred years or so.

#8) The Madonna Inn San Luis Obispo, CA

This hotel, besides sharing a name with the flamboyant songstress, has some flamboyance of its own. From it’s gorgeous California location to its decadent exterior and pool area, the Madonna lives up to it’s name. However, the real similarity is on the inside, as each room has its own “theme.” You can stay in the “Cave” room for instance, or even the “Golf” room if you’re a golf nut, or the “Pink” room if you’re… into pink… or you can choose from hundreds more… There’s bound to be a room to suit your wildest fantasies… golfing or otherwise!

#7) The Palms Hotel & Casino, Las Vegas

Vegas is Vegas. But the hottest, sexiest, coolest hotel in Sin City? That’d be “The Palms,” baby. Located just west of the Las Vegas Strip, the Fantasy Tower offers the hottest views of the Las Vegas skyline, as well as the hottest specialty suites. Check these out:

The Kingpin Suite — (named after the movie? Or the term kingpin?)

Or how about “The Cribs” Suite?

If you don’t have a good time in these suites, then there’s no hope for you.

#6) The Chelsea Hotel, New york City

The Chelsea hotel is the stuff of legend. Located on 23rd street on the West Side of Manhattan, the hotel has recently had a documentary made about it, for it is the stuff of rock/celebrity/socialite action. Designed by Hubert & Pirrson and opened in 1884, the Chelsea Hotel has been home to famous writers such as O. Henry, John Sloan, Thomas Wolfe, and Dylan Thomas. Later on, it housed Bob Dylam, Janis Joplin, Patti smith, Leonard Cohen, Arthur C. Clarke, Robert Maplethorpe, Larry Rivers, Rosa Watson, Samuel Reck,  many people associated with Andy Warhol’s “Factory,” Stanley Kubrick, Milos Forman, actors such as Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman, and many, many more  Many of these people wrote and accomplished their best work while staying there, though the hotel no longer accepts residencies longer than 24 days. Maybe that had something to do with Sid vicious “accidentally” killing his girlfriend Nancy Spungen in 1978 with a knife… or not. Either way, the numerous infamous celebrity deaths have lead some to speculate that their ghosts still wander the hotel. Check in to find out!

#5) The Aurora Express, Fairbanks, Alaska

The Aurora Express is a Bed & Breakfast built out of a vintage trains, located on 700 feet of  track overlooking Fairbanks, the Tanana Valley, and the Mountains beyond. Some cars have been transformed into luxurious suites with TV and all the fixins’. A little bit of history as you check out the surrounding scenery… Cozy!

#4) The Jules Undersea Lodge, Key Largo, Florida

It’s not just a clever name. No, this is actually an undersea motel! Located 21 feet below the surface of the Mangrove Lagoon in Key Largo, FL, the Jules Undersea Lodge is a converted scientific laboratory, and certainly one of a kind. You have to dive in order to stay there, as a matter of fact.

Entering through an opening in the bottom of the habitat, the feeling is much like discovering a secret underwater clubhouse. The cottage sized building isn’t short on creature comforts: hot showers, a well stocked kitchen (complete with refrigerator and microwave), books, music, and video movies. And of course there are cozy beds, where guests snuggle up and watch the fish visit the windows of their favorite underwater “terrarium”. Jules’ Undersea Lodge manages to reach a perfect balance of relaxation and adventure! Not for the faint of heart or those with an inherent fear of drowning, but if you brave the depths, the experience is sure to be one of a kind.

#3) Kasbah du Toubkal, Jbel Toubkai, Morocco

The product of an imaginative Berber and European partnership, the Kasbah du Toubkai offers an incredible mix of Moroccan native culture and five-star luxury. To this end, the Kasbah has been transformed using traditional methods, from the home of a Feudal Caid into an unprecedented haven; one that provides a variety of accommodation and event possibilities to meet differing requirements. The Kasbah is a welcoming environment for those seeking comfortable mountain refuge, and lunch on the porch overlooking the Toubkal National Park.

#2) The Ice Hotel, Jukkasjärvi, Sweden

The name says it all. This is the first and largest hotel in the world actually made entirely out of ice an snow. Besides looking like some futuristic lair for a Superman Villain, this incredible art project – turned – hotel boasts views of the northern lights and the midnight sun in summer. Icehotel is located 200 km above the artic circle near the Norwefian Fjords, so the ice is legit. Now entering its 20th year, the Icehotel provides survival training for those willing to stay in a -5 degree room.

ICEHOTEL closes by the end of April when the early rays of the Midnight sun starts to nibble on the walls and roof of the hotel. But the light is always welcome. Come summer, the sun never goes beyond the horizon but continues to shine for a 100 days and a 100 nights, and you can stay in town nearby. Each winter,  the hotel is re-constructed in the cold months of winter, a new section opening up each week of winter.

#1) Cappadocia Cave & Resort, Nevsehir, Turkey

Built into the side of a Turkish mountain, the Cappadocia, offers a spectacular panoramic view over the dramatic jagged landscape of Cappadocia. This region in Anatolia, known for its cave structures, is a UNESCO world heritage site.

However, not only are the surroundings breathtaking, this 5-star property does its utmost to pamper each guest from top to bottom. Even though it has a rustic quality and natrual cave walls, the Cappadocia lets you enjoy every modern comfort including a digital jukebox and massage tub.

Embroidered pillows and carpets add Oriental accents. Unforgettable dining experiences combine with cozy, intimate accommodation and a very exclusive, cave-built private spa to create memories that will last a lifetime… you know, like “The Grotto” at the Playboy mansion… only classier… and in Turkey.

Action. Comedy, Suspense. Romance. Val Kilmer with a ponytail. That’s apparently what you’ll get when the upcoming movie, “MacGruber,” hit syour town. Yes, the daring, dangerous, totally incomeptent MacGruber has broken through his status as an SNL spoof of the 80’s hit TV series “MacGuyver,” and becoming a feature film coming soon to a theater near you May 21st. Starring Will Forte as “Macgruber,” the cast also includes Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillippe, Rhys Coiros, Maya Rudolph, and of course, Val Kilmer. Check out the new R-Rated trailer today!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVoMn9Yvl0M

2. Pink Floyd Remastered for NES

3. Rosie Huntington-Whitley is a Genius

4. A Pontiac Is Turned Into A Lamborghini

5. Beer Tour of Vegas

6. The Only Flowers You Should Ever Give A Dude

7. MacGruber Does Whatever It Takes In New Red Band Trailer

The Apocalypse… Sure, the moment your body bursts into flames might be a bit painful, but the photo opportunities will be AMAZING. That orange sky,fire and brimstone reigning down, earthquakes splitting the land open as whole cities collapse underground… you’re gonna want to get out your Nokia and snap a few to put on your Facebook page…. Provided Facebook is still up even as the world’s electronic grids melt… which it probably will be.

But if you want to experience the glorious visuals without the searing, all-encompassing pain, check out our “Apocalypse” gallery!

Well, it looks like Sylvester Stallone is up to his old tricks again. And by “tricks,” I mean blowing shit up and killing lots and lots of bad guys. This time, he has a team of elite fighters alongside him, like Jason Stratham, Jet Li, Terry Crews, and yes, Dolph Lundgren. Yep, good ol’ Dolph. Then, of course, there’s the damsel in distress (Giselle Itié), and a whole lot of machine guns and grenades.

Put it altogether, and what have you got? The upcoming release of “The Expendables,” the latest Hollywood remake.

And wait, what was that Mickey Rourke I saw as well?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIPt8aUvz7U

2. UK Esquire introduces us to Telulah Riley

3. Miss Coed Paola Coerva

4. 20 Songs to Have Sex To

5. 160 Great Arnold Schwartzenegger Quotes

6. Joke of the Day:  Passionate Lovemaking

7. The Transition From Dinner To Bed

This time, Don REALLY pissed Betty off.

Cigarettes can kill you, slowly breaking you down from the inside as your cells decompose. So can a beautiful woman. Why are the two of them together such a potent alloy, a strange elixir of sex and death all wrapped up in one.

Okay, sorry to wax poetic there. Maybe I yearn for the “Mad Men” heyday of 50s glitz and glamor. Call me old-fashioned, but does anybody else just loathe the fact that cigarettes are now known to kill you? Let’s face it: Cigarettes are sexy and cool…. until you kiss a smoker, that is.

So, without  further ado , here’s a “hot girls smoking cigarettes” gallery that will quench my appetite for the good ol’ days!

2. The Butterface Test

3. 8 Movie Geezers You Don’t Want To Mess With

4. 10 Presidents Who Loved To Party

5. Funny Beer Commercial With A Twist Ending

6. The New De La Concha Cigar Premium

7. 6 Places To Dump Your Girlfriend

Hey, do you live in L.A.? Have you ever seen, say, Brad Pitt at the Target on La Brea and Santa Monica? Or Sandra Bullock at the coffee bean on Sunset (weeping in a corner)? No? Well, it is true that these celebrities, do in fact, exist, and are not just fictitious characters generated by your TV and computer. So, let’s take a look at some celebrities (some you may recognize, some not in their “normal” digs) making odd public appearances (like the Beatles on a rooftop for their final concert, with John in fur)!

2. Most Annoying Corporate-Speak Phrases

3. 10 Hottest Baseball Reporters

4. Girls in Tubs

5. 5 Things Kristen Stewart Does With Her Lips

6. 6 Essential Beer Cocktails

7. Children Perform Scarface For School

Ah, the Pontiac Trans Am. The car of choice for junkies who live out in the boondocks and like to invest their entire savings on tricking out their hot rides. First generation ‘67? Second gen ‘81? Third gen ‘84 with a spoiler? Doesn’t matter. If you’ve got the love… the deep-seeded, man-love for your vehicle, the passion will come through. Whether they’re tinting the windows, adding hydraulic shocks or painting a giant angel with big boobs on the hood, these guys love to pimp their Pontiacs.

Moore plays Catherine Stewart, a wife who suspects her professor husband (Liam Neeson) of cheating. Meanwhile, her teenage son is also having sex with his girlfriend under her roof. The frustrated Catherine does what any woman would do: she hires a young, high-class prostitute named Chloe (Amanda Seyfriend) to try and seduce her husband.

What ensues is a taut tale of sexual intrigue and eroticism. This may sound like a late-night skinemax movie, but in the hands of a highbrow indie director, it actually turns into something a bit more interesting.

Not to give too much away, but Moore and Seyfriend are naked in several scenes, including one scene where they are naked together. Sure, they’re both terrific actresses and give amazing performances, but that’s like saying that this month’s Playboy Magazine had some killer articles. Who cares?

So, the question is, who would you rather: the red-headed cougar (Julianne Moore) or the young, wide-eyed buxom blonde (Amanda Seyfried)? It’s like asking to choose between filet mignon and Maine lobster!

JULIANNE MOORE

Sure, Julianne Moore is at the ripe old age of fifty, but you gotta hand it to her. Nothing stops her from shedding her clothes on film. From Shortcuts, to Boogie Nights, to Savage Grace to Chloe, Moore seems to love roles in which she can free herself from the constraints of society which deem it necessary to not be naked, for some crazy reason. No, Julianne enjoys deeply emotional roles where her inner turmoil causes her character to go crazy and have sex with much younger boys (and, in the case of Chloe, younger girls). Combined this with her top-notch acting ability, and you’ve got the ultimate cougar. Oh, and guess what? Her husband, director Bart Freundlich, is ten years her junior. Sensing a trend here?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Seyfried is the up-and-coming  actress of the moment. The ingenue first made her splash in “Mean Girls,” where she was the deputy to the alpha-female Rachel McAdams. But this former model wasn’t a sidekick for long. She’s landed starring roles in “Big Love,” as well as the lead in another lesbian-ic movie, “Jennifer’s Body.” She’s also been in mainstream hits like Mamma Mia, and Dear John. With unusually large eyes, lips, and, uh… other body parts, it’s no wonder that Egoyan cast her as the sexual catalyst. Hollywood is falling all over itself to get her as a lead.

There you have it. Of the two leading ladies, who would you rather?

You are what you eat. So when you have an eating FAIL, does that make you a FAIL as a human being, a restaurant, or a chef?

Here’s some of the best food and eating FAILS on the web.

You decide.

2. Lingerie Football League Players Punished For Wearing Too Much Clothing

3. 5 Movie Time Machines Less Believable Than Hot Tub Time Machine

4. Advertising FAIL

5. Sexiest Woman Alive Madnesss

6. Obama Reacts To The Health Care Vote on FunnyorDie

7. Last Emperor’s Punchout

10) The Boston Marathon

The Boston Marathon is the world’s oldest….you know, except for the original one in ancient Greece. In typical “B-ah-ston” fashion, there are enthusiastic, possibly drunk spectators all along the route. But there’s also the fast, undulating course which all in all descends 400 feet. Not to mention the fast, undulating Wellesly co-eds that cheer on the marathoners at the midway point…Okay that was bad.

The only downside to the marathon is that it is very exclusive and requires runners to have a qualifying time from a previous marathon. So get training, because this New England marathon is definitely one of the world’s best.

9) Big Sur Marathon

Imagine the greatest place on earth. Okay, now imagine running through it on beautifully paved roads, majestic bridges, with the ocean by your side and some of the best aide stations and volunteers you will ever meet. This is the annual Big Sur Marathon and it is easily one the best organized and most beautiful marathons in the world.

As you run, you’ll hear drum beats as enthusiastic locals cheer you on. Giant redwood trees and spectacular cliff-side views will be your guide. If running in this event doesn’t give you a “runner’s high,” nothing will.

8 ) Berlin Marathon

Berlin is a world-class marathon with a record-breaking course, a slick and efficient race organization (how German), and much more. The crowds are large, loud and enthusiastic (if sporadic), and running here is like running through a modern history class. The course takes you past grand historical architecture including both the drab and austere buildings of the East, as well as the modern, hi-tech shops and commercial property of the West.

The highlight of the run is the passage through the Brandenburg Gate as you go between West and formerly-Communist East Berlin. Just watch out for the Rollerbladers who share the course with the runners.

7) Barbados Marathon

The Barbados Marathon offers you a world-class marathon, a historic course and the guarantee of a good time afterward. One of the oldest marathon events in the Caribbean, the Barbados Marathon takes participants through four historic towns and along some of the most scenic coastal locations on the island. It’s not the biggest event, but it still gets top-notch runners from around the world.

6) Sydney Marathon

A jaunty run through a famous city ending at the famous Opera House, the Sydney Marathon course takes participants over the historic Sydney Harbor Bridge and around the breathtaking harbor structures of this magnificent city. With over 20,000 participants, you will experience the true nature of Aussie hospitality.

5) London Marathon

The huge field, large and enthusiastic crowds combined with the party atmosphere appeal to first-timers, while the speed of the course and faultless organization continue to draw seasoned marathon veterans. Even the armchair fan is catered to with the kind of detail that elite runners would envy.

The point-to-point route starts in Blackheath and Greenwich Park in South-East London and finishes beside St James’s Park on the Mall. There are twists, turns, and some annoyingly narrow passages, but the final run along the river outside Buckingham Palace and the Parliament buildings are well worth it.

4) Mount Kilimanjaro Marathon

Held in the foothills of Africa’s highest peak, this marathon will take you through small villages and expose you to breathtaking views of snow-capped peaks and sprawling plantations. Don’t worry, it’s not exactly 26.2 miles straight up the mountain, unless you’re Richard Branson or something. With aid stations manned by local seminaries and some of the most rugged terrain in the world, it will test your mind and meddle, but the untapped scenic beauty of the African foothills will be a welcome sight after so many urban runs.

3) The Great Wall Marathon (China)

A marathon on the Great Wall of China. Need I say more? This run is challenging, with the well-known hilly undulations of the Great Wall providing a difficult, narrow, yet unique and picturesque run. Keep your eyes off the ground and bask in the epic scenery of the Tianjin Province. The only negative? You can’t use Google while you’re there.

2) The New York City Marathon

Ey! I’m runnin’ heah! I’m runnin’ heah!

That’s right. Perhaps the most famous marathon in the world, and also the biggest, The New York City Marathon starts at the Verrazano Bridge in Staten Island and takes you through all 5 boroughs before the finish in Manhattan’s Central Park. The crowds are amazing, specifically the six-deep crowd on First Avenue as you enter Manhattan for the first time.

1) The Marathon, Athens

From the seaside Greek town of Marathon to the capital of Athens, this is the original route all others are based on. Along this route in 490 B.C., Phidippides ran 26.2 miles to alert the city of Athens of the victory over the Persian Army, before collapsing a dying on the spot. Hopefully, you will enjoy a different fate if you run this rocky trail.

Have you ever dated a girl with some baggage? And by baggage, I mean ex-boyfriends? And when I say ex-boyfriends, I mean, evil ex-boyfirends. And when I say evil, I mean really, really evil. Like Comic book evil. Like, they can throw you 100 feet into a building evil. But hey, what are a few bruises costing you when true love is involved? That’s the premise of the new Michael Cera movie, “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. And it’s today’s EgoTV Viral Video of the Day!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz-OlPZ77Zc

2. Bikini Girls Dancing Ends With A Fall

3. How To Jumpstart Your Morning

4. Gretchen Bleiler, Anastasia Ashley, & Mermaids

5. What Men Really Think On A Hot Date

6. George $t. Pimp

7. Can You Cook Flow Chart

There are certain occasions in life that you want to remember forever. Special occasions, when friends and family come together to enjoy life, recreate, and celebrate… you know, like when you and your family go down to the local dildo shop! And sure enough, on these special occasions, you’re gonna want to take your photos. And sure enough, there’s gonna be someone who steps in to ruin them with a serious photobomb.

Here’s the latest photobombs from around the web. For some, the bombing is obvious, for others… look very, very closely, you know, like “Where’s Waldo?” Either way, these bombers are bound to put a smile on your face… or make you cringe.

2. 25 Beautiful Cathedrals of Sport

3, Babeology: Holly Weber

4. Top 10 Signs that Your Bachelor Party Isn’t Going Well

5. How To Cheat Better Than Jesse James

6. 10 Haircuts Joe Biden Should Try

7. Hot Tub Time Machine Actress Lyndsy Fonseca

Video games…. They’re not just for anti-social guys, anymore! There have been reported incidents of HOT girls playing the same dorky fantasy or fictional war game that you love so much.Or guitar hero. Because chicks dig rock stars. Even fake ones. Don’t take my word for it… that’s Jessica Alba up there… probably playing “Valentine’s Day: The Game.”

So, I’m guessing you didn’t click on this gallery to listen to me write. Here are…. hot girls playing video games!

2. 7 Clothing Accessories a Man Should Avoid At All Costs

3. 12 Places To Pick Up Chicks

4. The $8500 Boob Job

5. Relationship Translator

6. Poor Pugs In Movie Costumes

7. Lansdowne: Estate OF The Day

LAN parties… If you’ve been to one, well, you are a dork. Just kidding. Not really. LAN parties come in all shapes and sizes, from a friendly neighborhood gathering of neighborhood hackers or a state-wide auditorium full of cheeto-eating coke-sipping overweight computer gurus who could clean out my bank account with one mouse-click.

Basically, I’m freaked out at LAN parties. I’d be more at home with a bunch of ecstasy-fueled ravers with mohawks, but hey, that’s just crazy, crazy me.

Take a look at these crazy people! The bacchanalia!

If you’re like me, you know that ESPN fantasy leagues have begun drafting. Mine’s tomorrow. Unfortunately, I have the 6th pick. But if you’re lucky to have the first pick, you’re probably wondering… Do I pick St. Louis Cardinal First baseman Albert Pujols or Florida Shortstop Hanley Ramirez?

The Basics

These guys are the indisputable #1 and 2 picks. Albert Pujols does everything. Last year he had 47 Home Runes (1st in the National League), 135 RBIs (3rd), and hit .327 (3rd) but had an on-base percentage of .443  (1st), which means people were afraid of pitching to him. Wouldn’t you? Pujols even threw in 16 steals for good measure, which is a huge bonus for a guy with so much power, as steals are scarce in fantasy baseball

Hanley Ramirez, on the other hand, lead the National league in batting average with a .342 batting average but a lower on-base percentage than Pujols, 24 HRs,106 RBIs and a nice 27 steals.

So, it appears that Pujols has a small edge, as he betters Ramirez in 4 of the 6 major hitting categories, right? Not so fast.

Position Scarcity

If you play fantasy sports you know that there is such a thing as position scarcity. In other words, you must draft one Catcher, First baseman, second baseman, etc. until you have a player at every position. And while first base, the position Pujols plays, is the deepest position in the major leagues (meaning, there are a LOT of First basemen who can hit 40 home run, drive in 100 runs, and hit for a good average), shortstop, this year is the shallowest (there’s not many guys who do well in all categories who play shortstop).  Therefore, if you take Hanley in round one, you can pick up say, an Adrian Gonzalez in round three or four, Kendry Morales in round five or six, or even Derek Lee (last year he hit 35 Home Runs in 140 games) in round eight or nine! Meanwhile, if you take Pujols, you MAY be able to get the second-best shortstop (Troy Tulowitzki) in the second round, nut maybe not. Even with that, Tulowitzki is not automatic (he slumped for the first two months last year, though he was one of the better players in baseball the last four months), and is 2008 Tulowitzki was pretty bad, though he was hurt for most of the year. After Tulo, the shortstop position gets ugly quick. Aging past MVPs like Derek Jeter and Jimmy Rollins are okay options, but are far from automatic. Jeter is 36 and Rollins had an on-base-percentage under 300 last year. Meanwhile, even the tenth or twelfth best first-basemen are capable of 30 HR, 100 RBI, and a .300 average.

Age and Health

The prospect of your top pick getting hurt is also a concern, especially for your first – round fantasy pick. It can really ruin your whole team. Now, right now, Pujols just turned thirty, in the prime of his career. However, as we speak, he’s getting treatment for some back spasms he’s been having in Spring training. That being said, he also belted a looooong home run the other day. Also, there were concerns about his elbow two years ago, and he went onto win the MVP that year. so Pujols can obviously deal with some minor nagging injuries. Monitor the status on his back. For now, Cardinals coach Tony La Russa says it’s no big deal.

Hanley, by all accounts, is fine, and is only 26 years old. Usually players “peak” at around age 27, so Hanley should just be entering the prime of his career. However, he was scratched from a recent spring training game because of a tight groin.

The thing is, in spring training, everyone is a bit cautious. Both guys should be fine for the season.

Lineup Protection

Albert Pujols’ has better “lineup protection” as baseball commentators like to call it. In other words, if a hitter is a total STUD, pitchers will “pitch around” the hitter… that is, not throw him any good pitches. But if you have a good hitter waiting on deck, well, it becomes harder to do that. Here, Pujols has the advantage, as he has the nearly-as-good Matt Holliday hitting right behind him. Holliday does especially well in the national league, hitting about .330 after being traded to the Cards from the A’s in the middle of last season.

Hanley has… Jorge Cantu. Sure, not a bad hitter per se, but no Matt Holliday. Hanley does however, have excellent guys hitting in front of him, including last year’s breakout rookie Chris Coghlan (who hit .321 last year) and also probably the other good young  Marlins outfielder Cody Ross. These two are probably better than the first two hitters in the Cardinal lineup, Skip Schumaker and Colby Rasmus, although Rasmus is a young prospect many believe could break out.

So, these are the factors to weigh. But like  lot in baseball, a lot of it just comes down to gut instinct and the whims of the baseball Gods.

So, who are you gonna pick?

1. 15 Vids of “The Office” cast outside Dunder-Mifflin

2. 7 Reasons To Get Involved With Crazy Women

3. Killer Boobs…Literally

4. How To Choose Your First Tattoo

5. Inner Monologue of My Dad Tying To Use Twitter

6. Diora Baird Gallery

7. Spring Break “Floatopia”

Anyway, here’s a healthy dose of schadenfreude, as we bring you our gallery of wrecked Lamborghinis. Enjoy!

2. Man Wins Lottery Day After Wife Divorces Him

3. Ghostbusters Alignment Chart

4. Winning March Madness Picks

5. Shannyn Sossman Pictures

6. 10 Actors Who Are TV Cancer

7. 10 Days Underwater Will Do This To Your Fingers

Zombies. Like your wife, they’re lifeless, undead creatures who want to eat your brain. Er, not my wife, no! She’s great. Love you, honey!

Please don’t eat my brain.

Anyway, recently, the “Zombie” genre is all the rage. Ever since “Night of the Living Dead,” the Romero movies, “Evil Dead,” to modern versions like “28 Days Later,” and this year’s comedy “Zombieland,”the Zombie motif is being used for all kinds of crazy things… you know, like we did in the ’90s! So witness, the undead, comin’ atcha!

10) Men In Black’s “Noisy Cricket”

It’s little, but it packs a big punch…. That’s what she said! Wait, no, not really.  This little guy from “Men In Black” packs quite the whallop. Just make sure it doesn’t go off while it’s holstered in your belt. Not a good idea. Have you seen what that thing does to aliens, let alone your little alien??

9) Robocop’s Auto-9

Robocop’s piece is close to a Baretta…. only cooler. It fires three shots-per-trigger-pull and that allows you to be three times as much of a badass for the effort of one badass.

8 ) Minority Report’s Sonic Shotgun

As Tom Cruise is fleeing from imprisonment and his fellow pre-crime fighters, he hides amongst some obscure white barrels. Then… something happens… and he absconds with the pursuers Sonic Shotgun. Cruise, an excellent cop himself in this super-cool future world, bucks them down amongst a maze of empty barrels.  The accompanying sound effect is also truly priceless.  “Sonic” sound effects always sound interesting… maybe that’s because they sound like high-tech farts.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRHlY5X2YFE

7) Hellboy’s Good Samaritan

This over-sized revolver is made from everything holy: The wood from Christ’s cross, blessed silver, Irish Church Bells, other crucifixes… Basically every Christian artifact. What better secret weapon for killing demons, eh? Religious symbolism, much? Ah well, he’s still cool.

6) Zorg’s ZF-1 from The Fifth Element

Check out this futuristic arms dealer’s spiel: “It’s light; handle’s adjustable for easy carrying; good for righties and lefties; breaks down into four parts; undetectable by X-ray; ideal for quick discreet interventions.” Oh, and it has a setting that fires all bullets at the same target regardless of direction, a grenade launcher, a net launcher, arrow launcher with some poisonous arrows and shit, a flamethrower, and an “icer,” not to mention all the materials and, well, enough of me, just listen close to Zong, son!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=9pxjnl1yuXk

5) Marvin the Martian’s Acme Disintegrator Gun

A favorite firearm of Marvin the Martian, the ACME (A Company that Makes Everything) Disintegrator Gun packed a biiiig cartoon blast!  Marvin was usually at arms with Duck Dodgers,  though even the near-invulnerable Bugs Bunny lost his tail to this piece once or twice.

4) Han Solo’s DL-44 Heavy Blaster

Sure, those laser guns in Star Wars were all cool, but the baddest bounty hunter in the galaxy is bound to have the best (eg. illegal) hardware bounty money can buy. Not only does he ride the Millenium Falcon, the coolest cruiser in the galaxy, but he also fires this baby, which can fire lasers that can pierce storm trooper armor. In real life, the blaster’s design is based off the German Mauser C96 pistol, used in World War I by both the Germans and Ottomans. Sure, they might’ve lost World War I to the Allies, but hey, they might’ve done better against the Galactic Empire!

3) District 9’s Arc Gun

The Arc Gun is a serious piece of Alien Weaponry. It fires a bolt of FREAKING LIGHTENING. Moreover, it can only be shot by an alien hand (which the hero Wikus discovers after he develops an Alien hand after coming into contact with an alien substance), which is quite a cool/meaningful type of alien tech. How cool is it? It even impressed the Nigerian slum lord in this scene:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiD-2sWNDiU

2) Ghostbusters’ Proton Pack

How cool were the Ghostbusters’ proton packs? Just type in “Ghostbusters Proton Pack” into youtube and see how many fan’s re-enactments you get. Seriously. There’s like a hundred.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmACeArzLS8

That’s right, made of protons (to counter the negative energy of ghosts), the nuclear particle accelerator neatly straps onto your back. The pack is connected to the proton gun, which shoots and paralyzes rambunctious ghosts.Then, they are lead into a “trap” on the floor, where they are kept until they are emptied into the ecto-containment unit at headquarters.

1) The Golden Gun from The Man With The Golden Gun

The James Bond book and film The Man With the Golden Gun was NAMED after the signature weapon:  The Golden Gun. It’s an “instant kill” firearm uses a 23-carat gold expanding bullet which flattens on impact. It can  also be used as a cigarette lighter and case, a cuff link, and a pen, as this is the Bond universe we’re talking about. The gun belonged to Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee), an assassin who started out as a trick-shot marksman in a traveling circus. Don’t mess. Unless you’re James Bond. Which you’re not.

]]> http://egotvonline.com/2010/03/19/10-fictional-guns-i-wish-i-could-fire-in-real-life/feed/ 30 http://egotvonline.com/2010/03/18/hot-links-3-18-10/ http://egotvonline.com/2010/03/18/hot-links-3-18-10/#comments Thu, 18 Mar 2010 19:00:18 +0000 Billy D http://egotvonline.com/?p=14788 1. Look Like A Doofus Hipster For Only $110

2. Meet Satan

3. How To Give A Good Toast

4. Michelle “Bombshell” McGhee

5. Bollywood’s Hottest Leading Ladies

6. 15 Awesome Venn Diagrams

7. White Castle Madness

Some guys love comics…. but some guys love them waaaaaayyyyy too much. I mean geez, dude, are you really that dissatisfied with reality that you have to go to such lengths to become somebody else? Sure, “The Punisher” is a total bad-ass in the unreality of comic books, but you dressed as “The Punisher” in this reality, you come off like a guy who probably lives in his mother’s basement…

2. 9 Bizarre Green Foods to Try On St. Patrick’s Day

3. Funny Notes From The Wife

4. How To Drink With Dignity

5. “Other Guys” Teaser Trailer

6. Bianca Smith gallery

7. 15 Creative Beer Can Statues

“I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, Everybody look at me, ‘Cause I’m sailing on a boat, I’m on a boat, I’m on a boat, Take a good hard look, I’m on a motherfucking boat.” — Lonely Island

Boats are cool. that much is a cold, hard fact of life. “I’m floating on a boat, motherfucker!” I shout at anyone who will listen, when I’m on a boat. You know what’s also awesome? Having an iced-cold brewsy on a boat! Now if only there was one more magical piece ready to the puzzle… oh, yeah, HOT CHICKS!!!

Hot Chicks on a boat, mo’ fo!

“I’m on a boat and it’s going fast, and I got a nautical-themed pashmina Afghan, I’m the king of the world, on a boat like Leo, If yu’re on the shore, then you’re sure not me-oh.”

2. Female Upskirt Moments

3. 7 Mafia Badasses You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

4. Catch Her Cheating

5. Gary Busey Is Crazy

6. Michael Bay Wants You For Transformers 3

7. Green Healing In California Wine Country

So! Witness the glorious, killer streams of electricity coming from the sky! Or Zeus, if you’re into the whole pagan God worship thing.

Enjoy!

1. Alexandra Kosteniuk

Alexandra Kosteniuk is a Russian chess grandmaster (that’s right, Grandmaster, bitches!) who  won the 2008 World Women’s Championship title in Nalchik, Russia. Alexandra has been in the finals of 2001 Championships also at the age of just 17, but she lost on that occasion. She was the European champion in 2004 and the Chess960 (Fischer Random) world champion in 2006 which she defended this year also. Kosteniuk also won the 2005 Russian Women’s Championship which were held in Samara.

Besides chess, Alexandra also hosts a popular podcast Chess is Cool, which keeps its listeners up to date with all the chess events. In her personal life, she is married to Diego Garces of Switzerland and has a daughter. Which is unfortunate, if you’ve ever seen her whoop some ass on the chess board all while wearing a sexy loud dress.

2. Sanja Dedijer

Dedijer hails from Bosnia-Herzegovina and is only 24 years old. Therefore, she has very little biographical information (I don’t believe she has won any titles) other than the fact that she is damn hot. Look at the concentration.

3. Regina Pokorna

Vladislav Tkachiev, talking about beauty in chess, called the 27-year-old Slovakian beauty Pokorno “a child-woman, an eternal girl”. It’s probably those incredible blue eyes, though you can never ignore her beautiful games and 2400+ rating. (Apparently that’s pretty darn good in pro chess… I wouldn’t know).

4. Valquira Rocha

I can’t find much info on Valquiria, except that she hails from Angola, she plays professional chess, and she is daaaaaamn hawt! A traditional Angolese expression for “hot.”

5. Anna Sharevich

Anna a Belarusian chessmaster, having achieved the required norms for the title Woman Grandmaster in 2006. She won the Ladies’ Belarusian Chess Championship in 2002, 2005 and 2007 and played for Belarus in the Woman’s Chess Olympiad of 2002 to 2008 (four times). She’s smart, blonde, sultry, and can kick your sub-mental ass!

6. Arianne Caoili

Arianne Caoili began playing chess at the age of six. At one point during 2002, she achieved a FIDE rating in excess of 2300, but this has been in decline since she scaled down her chess activities to concentrate on her studies, as she is still only 23! Nevertheless, she remains one of Australia’s leading women players and played top board for the national team at the Dresden Olympiad in 2008.

She’s has her share of scandals (for a chess player), though! In June 2006 it was reported that the British Granmaster Danny Gormally had thrown a punch at Armenian Grandmaster Levon Aronian (who was at the time the number three on the FIDE world ranking) in a Turin nightclub during the chess Olympiad. Gormally apparently became jealous when he saw Aronian dancing with Caoili. In 09, Aronian and Caoili were reported to be in a relationship…. Sorry Danny.

Caoili has also been on Dancing With The Stars, so she’s got that goin’ for her, too… which is nice.

7. Eva Repkova

Eva is a Slovakian-born chessmaster who once had a relationship with fellow chess champion Vladimir Kramnik. Eva, as you can see is incredibly hot. And she’s recently divorced from a Lebanese businessman, so all you chess fanboys still have a shot!… No, not really. It’s nice to dream, though.

So remember… if you want to impress these ladies, stop hitting the gym and start hitting the boards! The chess boards, that is.

But you’ve never done it like this. Witness, the combination of extreme freestyle walking, hackey-sack, soccer, and beer pong. Sit back and marvel at today’s Viral Video Of The Day!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wn_fsIQ8YMQ

It’s a magical day. Of love. Of bonding. Two families, coming together to celebrate that timeless human virtue: Lovc.

So let’s screw it all up by wearing something F-ING RIDICULOUS!! Or getting some totally INAPPROPRIATE WEDDING CAKE!

Or grab the bridesmaid’s ass during the ceremony, when you’re the groom. All this and much, much more in our gallery of weirdest wedding photos from around the web.

2. 14 Necessary Items For Any Cross-Country Roadtrip

3. The Definitive Guide To Single-Serve Awesomeness

4. Caitlin Hixx Pics

5. How To Drive In Bad Weather

6. 9 Real-Life Levels of Hell

7. 12 Best South Park Parodies

2. 9 Comedy Movie Quotes That Need To Be Retired

3. 8 Missing Dog Sign That Won’t Piss All Over Your Day

4. Own A Jetpack

5. Amy Victoria Beck — It Just Got Weird In My Social Circle

6. Beatriz Ricari Is One Hot Golfer

7. Colorado Whiskey Joins Scotland And Kentucky For Malt’s Best

Feeling a bit… pasty, lately? That’s okay dude. Vampires are soooo in these days. Don’t make the same mistake these people did. When tans go wrong, boy do they go wrong. Seriously.

What strikes me about all these are the amount of people involved in fashion or PR…. Don’t they KNOW how ridiculous they look? I guess not…. unless they’re standing next to Anne Hathaway.

7. Girl’s Life

Girl’s life is supposed to be geared to all teenaged girls. Real life stories, from real teenaged girls. Real… Black White, Latino, braces, freckled and all… articles about the everyday struggles of teen girls and ways they overcome them with positive stories. And these real stories are given lip-service in tiny, tiny print in the beginning of the magazine, only to give way to… the BIG, BOLD articles about the latest makeup and how to skank it up so the quarterback of the football team will want to feel you up after 3rd period. ALso, the cover-girls are are rail-thin, whiter than white, and blonde. Don’t pretend to be family-friendly, Girl’s Life! You’re in the gutter just like all the rest of them, like “Seventeen” and whatnot… therefore, you do not need to exist.

6. Men’s Fitness

“Men’s Fitness” is kind of like “Men’s Health,” but with shallower articles, more ads (it’s 47% ads), and every article/page is promoting some freaking exercise gizmo or supplement. Seriously, after blazing through an article, your eyes will glaze over from all the protein bars, “get ripped” pills, weight loss drinks, and “ab rolling piece of plastic that will cause you to have a six-pack just by buying it.” This world has room for Men’s Health, but not this cheaper knock-off.

6. OK

Hey, are you so insecure and self-hating that you have to read trashy magazines about celebs gone bad in order to feel better about yourself, but you STILL want to do their”diet” so you can look as skinny as your anorexic crushes? Well, there’s only aboout a hundred of these staring at you in every grocery check-out line in the country. Magazines that give you not only the trash, the superficial comparisons, but also horrible diet tips (with little to no basis in reality) to go with it. Wanna hear about how J-Lo trimmed 15 pounds for her film shoot? She stopped eating and got a personal trainer. Doesn’t take a genius…

What’s the least good of these dozens of trash magazines? OK.

4. Flex

Instead of reading this magazine, you should just get a few shots of anabolic steroids in the mail. If you want to look like these unreal-looking guys and think you can get there just by doing the new “peck workout,” you are sadly misinformed. Just head down to you local professional baseball stadium’s trainer’s room, ask for “Canseco,” and you’ll be golden.

3. Southern Living

Hey, want to learn how to make heart-attack inducing food? Try “southern” cuisine. Want to learn how to eat like the fattest friggin people on earth? Just grab some “fried pie” recipes from this dandy with cream and rich sauces. Wann know why healthcare is so expensive in this country? I blame “Southern Living.”

2. Playgirl

I know we’re supposed to be all equal-opportunity here, but while Playboy is a great magazine. Playgirl is not. First, Playboy actually does have decent articles, naked celebrities, and well, men like to look at naked women. Whereas Playgirl magazine does not have any decent articles, and women would rather see Clooney in a suit than naked, I think… Well, maybe not, but you get the idea. I’m guessing the gay population digs Playgirl a lot more than your sister does. Oh, and celebrities? Well, if Levi Johnston counts…

1. Variety

Okay, so Variety covers vital entertainment info. So does the Hollywood Reporter, but without the cheesy article titles. I mean, does EVERY article have to include some pun on the name of the movie/TV Show/ Web Series that they’re doing? Like “Bale Swoops Into Batman Role,” or “Duo Pass Into Farrelly Film” (this is a real one for the upcoming Farrelly Brothers film, “Hall Pass”… get it? “Pass” into film? Hall Pass? See?… ugh.) I mean, how much time do they spend coming up with these puns rather than reporting?? Oh, that’s right. Probably not much.

2. 7 Signs You’re Whipped

3. Hot yet Strangely-Named XTina McHawaii

4. 20 Phrases To Make You Sound Brainier

5. Is That A Penis On Your Sign?

6. Telestrator Dong Gets Its Companion

7. Forehead Tittaes w/ Marion Cotillard

2. 10 Children’s Characters Who Were Definitely On Drugs

3. 10 Things You Don’t Want To Hear From Your Bride On Your Wedding Day

4. Little Dude Gets Crushed By Hoop

5. News Reporter Rage!

6. “She’s Out of My League” Actress Jasika Nicole

7. How Not To Be Boring

Don’t you know the dog park is where all of the hot girls and, not to mention, celebrities, are??? That’s right. Put down the video game controllers. Drop the bong. Put away the cheetos. Get yourself a cool hoodie and some spandex and get out there and power-walk!

Okay, maybe no spandex or power-walking, but you get the point. And if you have a vast knowledge of breeds and dogs, don’t be shy to show them off. And here’s a tip, hit on the dog, not the owner. If you’re as infatuated with little Mitsy as she is, then you’re golden.

And with that…. Enjoy.

Baseball. As simple as a ball and a bat. Yet as complicated as the American spirit it symbolizes. A sport, a business, and sometimes, a religion.

And like this great country of ours, baseball continues to emerge and evolve. Heck it even originated in a primitive form in Britain before coming over and metastasizing into the billion-dollar entertainment industry it is today.  And since I know, well, everything, I’d like to inform you all of where the game is heading in the future… 5, 10, 20 years. But in order to make my predictions, let m first delve into baseball’s past, so we may see into its future.

Origins

Bat and ball games go back longer than you might think, played by people you might not expect. A manuscript from 1344 France shows an illustration of clerics (that’s right, priests, and that’s right, France) playing a bat-and ball game called La Soule. Other French games include theque, la balle au baton, and la balle empoisonee.

However, modern baseball’s closest relative appears to be the game Rounders, popular in England and Ireland in the 18^th century.

The earliest known reference to baseball is in a 1744 British publication, A “Little Pretty Pocket-Book”, by John Newberry. It contains a rhymed description of “base-ball” and a woodcut of a field set-up somewhat similar to the modern game—though in a triangle, rather than a diamond, and with posts instead, of ground-level bases. This early form of the game was apparently brought to North America by English immigrants; Rounders was also brought to the continent by both British and Irish immigrants.

The first known American reference to baseball appears in a 1791 Pittsfield, Massachusetts, town by-law prohibiting the playing of the game near the town’s new meeting house. By 1796, a version of the game was well-known enough to earn a mention in a German scholar’s book on popular pastimes. Johann Gutsmuths described “englische Base-ball,” which involved a contest between two teams, in which “the batter has three attempts to hit the ball while at the home plate”; only one out was required to retire a side.

By the early 1830s, bat-and-ball games recognizable as early forms of baseball were being played around North America. These games were often referred to locally as “town ball”, though other names such as “round-ball” and “base-ball” were also used.

In 1838,  a game was documented in Ontario, Canada. There were many similarities to modern baseball, and some crucial differences: 5 bases (or byes); the first bye being just 6 yards (10 m) from the home bye; the batter was out if a hit ball was caught after the first bounce… Sissies.

The Birth of Modern Baseball

In 1845, Alexander Cartwright, a member of New York City’s Knickerbockers club, led the codification of the so-called Knickerbocker Rules. The practice of making an out by hitting a runner with a thrown ball (like in kickball) was barred, paving the way for a smaller, harder ball. Several other rules also brought the Knickerbockers’ game close to the modern one, though a ball caught on the first bounce was, again, an out and only underhand pitching was allowed.

The first officially recorded baseball game in U.S. history took place on June 19, 1846, in Hoboken, New Jersey: the “New York Nine” defeated the Knickerbockers, 23–1, in four innings. YEESH. What a blowout. With the Knickerbocker code as the basis, the rules of modern baseball continued to evolve over the next half-century.

In 1856, the baseball “craze” was catching on, and was soon declared the “national pastime.” A year later, sixteen area clubs formed the sport’s first governing body, the National Association of Base Ball Players. In 1863, the organization disallowed putouts made by catching a fair ball on the first bounce. Thus, another element of sissisness was eliminated.

Then more sissiness was eliminated in 1884, when they finally legalized overhand pitching. Most of the other rules were in place by 1893, and finally the final rule – counting foul balls as strikes – was implemented in 1901, the year the American League was formed.

The first World Series between the two champions of each league was played in 1903. The next year, the series was not held, as the National League champion New York Giants, under manager John McGraw, refused to recognize the major league status of the American League and its champion (who won the first series in ’03). In 1905, the Giants won the National League again, so they relented an the World series has gone forward ever since.

Professional baseball in the early twentieth century was lower-scoring and pitchers such as Cy Young, Walter Johnson, and Christy Mathewson, were more dominant. Thus, “small-ball” was the name of the game: bunting, stealing,…. SPIKING. The game, not having to depend on the long ball, was played much more aggressively than it is today; the violent, thuggish Ty Cobb epitomized this style.

Strict new regulations governing the ball’s size, shape and composition, coupled with superior materials available after World War I, resulted in a ball that traveled farther when hit. The construction of additional seating to accommodate the rising popularity of the game often had the effect of bringing the outfield fences closer in, making home runs more common. Enter Babe Ruth, whose power changed the game forever.

In the 30’s, St. Louis Cardinals owner Branch Rickey invested in the minor league farm system and created the beginning of today’s minor leagues. Also at this time, the Negro Leagues were gaining size and popularity among African-Americans.

Integration, Free Agency, and Steroids

In 1947, under Branch Rickey, again, now GM of the Brooklyn Dodgers, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier, integrating the leagues. All the teams were eventually integrated by 1959 (the Boston Red Sox were the last to do so).  In 1958, the first teams West of St. Louis were formed, as the Dodgers moved to Los Angeles and the Giants to San Francisco.

In 1968, under a stronger players’ union leadership., the strike zone was shrunk, the pitchers’ mound lowered, and the leagues were split into two different divisions each, the AL and NL East and West.

In 1975, the reserve clause was struck down and the free agency system was formed, allowing all teams to bid on a player who’s contract was up. This lead to ballooning salaries and what some began to call “the end of baseball as we know it.”

After two strikes in ’81 and ’94, baseball added two more expansion teams in the ’93 season, the Diamondbacks and Devil Rays, as well as further dividing the leagues into 3 divisions, the Al and NL East, Central, and West… as well as adding a Wildcard and another round of playoffs. Regular season interleague play came into being in ’97, and the following year in ’98 both Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa broke Roger Maris’ home-run record during what is now known as the “steroids” era. Barry Bonds broke their records in 2001, and still holds the record for most home runs in a season with 73. In ’07, he became the all-time Home Run leader, passing Hank Aaron. In 2007, the Mitchell Report came out, detailing the widespread use of steroids and regulations on how to stop it.

My predictions for Baseball’s future

Since I’ve gone over the sober history of baseball’s evolution, I will now make some tongue-in-cheek predictions! Hey, it’s a game, folks.

In 2015, phenom player Jason Heyward (a rookie this year)  will hit 85 home runs. When they test him for steroids immediately after the season and the tests come out negative, he is later elected President of the United States in 2016.

During his term, Heyward selects Rickey Henderson as VP, who declares the Heyward presidency as “the best Presidency ever,” also declaring, “Rickey Henderson is the Greatest VP in History. of All-Time”

There will be more and more expansion until there is an AL and NL north, south, east, and west. When a fifth regional division forms, a debate emerges about whether to call the new division the AL North-North-West or the “AL Fourth Dimension.”

Tim Lincecum refuses to cut his hair for 10 years. He uses his long mane to deceive hitters. He pitches a perfect game on acid (like Doc Ellis’ no-hitter in the ’70s) in 2020.

Prince Fielder and Pablo Sandoval engage in a hot-dog eating contest in 2020. Tragedy ensues when Sandoval eats Fielder by mistake. That year Sandoval hits .400 for the first time since Ted Williams, claiming that he now has the power and skill of both hitters combined.

In 2030, Jamie Moyer still pitches in the majors, even if he needs a walker to get from the mound to the dugout.

The Yankee right-field wall continues to shorten until it is just 100 feet away by 2030, just beyond first base.

Ya’ heard in here, first, folks!

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Why is my furniture so… plain, and unexciting? Oh that’s right, because I don’t want it to be freakishly strange, causing my guests to run away, screaming in fear. But hey, it’s nice to look at the forbidden, isn’t it? Here’s a bunch of items that are cool to look at at, but I wouldn’t want to live with them. Let them be that pretentious performance artist who lives down the hall’s problem.

So, without further adieu, here’s a gallery of really cool furniture I would never buy! But then again, I’m not nearly cool enough to own these.

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Peanut butter and jelly. Laurel and Hardy. Abbot and Costello. Weed and “The Big Lebowski.” Chicken wings and bleu cheese dressing. Hot dogs and baseball. Whipped cream and strawberries. Popcorn and movies. Tiger Woods and blonde strippers.

There are some things in this world that just go together, but nothing can equal the dynamic duo of:

Hot girls and beer pong.

Enjoy.

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That’s what you and many college students around the country might be shouting these days. Ah, college. I wish I were back. I remember one roadtrip I made down to Savannah over spring break that ended up with me making out with some random chick in a green dress.

I was the one wearing the dress.

Anyway, the point is, there are many places to choose from to go and let loose. How to decide? Here are some hotspots I’d like to visit, with some unique choices you may not expect, and not including the cliché Cancun, because I know you all know about that one already. I’ve inserted a different Mexico alternative, though!

9. The Dominican Republic

The Dominican has all of the hallmarks of spring break: beaches, babes, and booze…. It is, however, also pretty cheap, even if you book late,  and has a number of cool features. As the second largest country in the Carribbean, The Dominican republic features Vegas-style casinos, nightclubs, and all-inclusive resorts, to horseback riding, golf, surfing, diving, and hundreds of miles of white-sand beaches. Punta Cana, on the island’s eastern coast, is the island’s top draw, with the Caribbean’s longest stretch of sand, while Puerto Plata, in the northwest, is a solid secondary consideration. Both are prime party spots and are also great for late planners, with a broad range of reasonably priced hotels that make a beer-budget trip a snap.

8 Puerto Vallarta

Puerto Vallarta combines a raging nightlife scene with a colorful colonial village imbued with old-world ambiance.  The city proper, a fabled hillside hamlet, brims with muddled alleyways, red-tiled roofs, and balconies draped in bougainvillea. Miles of golden seafront, dotted with newer towns and resorts, stretch to its north and south, while the local color of an old Mexican fishing village mingles with modern upscale influences. The famed malecón – a waterfront boardwalk that stretches from the center of town towards the Hotel Zone – is dotted with shops, restaurants, cafés, bars, and street artists. The lively promenade is always hopping and perfect for grabbing a drink or a bite during the day and after sunset. Plus, come nightfall, you can revel in trendy lounges, rowdy pubs, surf-side watering holes, and romantic taverns. Most of the worthy nightlife is located along a three-block stretch of Calle Ignatio L. Vallarta, on the south side of the river, where everything from mariachi music and sports bars to salsa clubs and discos is found.

7. Montreal

While spring break has long signaled a south-of-the-border migration for some guaranteed Mexican mayhem, those with a nose for the north will find all of the essential ingredients for a bit of debauchery à la française. Sure it’s cold, but alcohol consumption and casino gambling (check out the chic Casino de Montréal) are all open to the 18-and-over crowd. Scintillating nightlife (try Boulevard St-Laurent or Crescent Street for the best action), strip clubs galore, and a certain je ne sais quoi, Montreal’s appeal reels in its fair share of spring breakers all the same. It’s about 375 miles from Manhattan or 310 miles from Boston, so the city has often been popular for the northeastern collegians. Bargains abound on everything from lap-dancing strippers to nightclub covers. For the more sophisticated of you (crickets…), check out the historic center of Vieux-Montréal, take in a view from the summit of Montreal’s emblematic Mont-Royal, or catch the last of ski season at several prime resorts within an hour’s drive.

South Padre, TX

Somewhere between Texas and Mexico,  150,000 sun-seeking spring breakers sprawled head to the 34 miles of beach area spring break madness, Texas-style. South Padre is a popular spring break destination partially because the border town of Matamoros is only a half-hour away, and the drinking age, well, is pretty much irrelevant. There’s body shots, bikini contests and bungee jumps.  South Padre offers “anything goes” partying in the Texan sun. Moreover, there’s no private beaches, so you’re allowed anywhere up and down the sandy gulf coastline.

5. Lake Havasu, Arizona

Hey, I thought that Spring Break was supposed ot be about beaches or skiing? So, why go to the middle of the desert? For the floating drinking parties, and the water sports. Nestled amidst craggy mountain peaks alongside the Colorado River, and dubbed the “personal watercraft capital of the world,” Lake Havasu boasts over 400 miles of coastline and water sports galore – think fishing, skiing, kayaking, and boating (lots of boat and Jet Ski rentals are also available for those of you without your own vessels). Havasu’s on-land activities span from beach-bumming, off-roading desert treks, and golfing, to horseback riding, hot-air ballooning, rock climbing, and biking. There’s plenty of nighttime action to keep spring breakers playing long after dark, too: Several clubs and bars boast killer views of the Colorado River and some even offer outdoor parties on the river itself. And if it gets boring for some reason, Vegas is only 3 hours away.

4. Koh Phangan, Thailand

The lush, beach-trimmed island of Koh Phangan, in the Gulf of Thailand has since gained its own spring break destination notoriety thanks to its monthly all-night beach parties, held on the Haad Rin peninsula in honor of the full moon. These “Full Moon Parties” have become legendary, attracting as many as 10,000 moon-worshippers and party-goers to the two sandy stretches that frame the cape, to dance to trance and techno barefoot on the sand, glow-sticks in hand. Even if your travel dates don’t coincide with the party, you can still create your own bit of “hippie nirvana” on this bit of sand by spending your days at New Age cafés, drinking cheap beer, and having inexpensive massages. Happy endings?… I’m not sure. Come nightfall, crash on the beach or in a $5 bungalow – that’s right… 5$, that is if you even sleep!

3. Jackson Hole

The Jackson Hole Mountain Festival March 26 through March 28 – a weekend of free-style skiing and snowboarding events, accompanied by live music acts. When you’re not on the slopes, you can saddle up and test your rodeo skills on the mechanical bull located just outside the ever-popular Mangy Moose Saloon. Don’t forget to allow yourself a couple days of pampering at one of several Jackson Hole spas – it’s the perfect remedy for tired ski legs. Sure, the obvious thing to do would be to go someplace warm and beach-like… but never underestimate the dry mountain air of the Rockies, and what it does to the “party-receptors” in the brain. Maybe you’ll run into Shaun White. Who knows?

2. Amsterdam

Drinking age: 16. Weed: Legal. ‘Shrooms?: Legal. Prostitution: Legal. Heineken Brewery: Check. Ah yes, but the Venice of the north of Europe isn’t just known JUST for its, um,  legalized perversions. No, its also home to over 160 canals, crossed by over 1,000 bridges, beautiful architecture, the tulips around the city in Spring,  as well as the Rijksmuseum and the Van Gogh Museum. For history buffs, you could also check out the Anne Frank House… of course then you’ll probably get just depressed enough to get back out there and party. Cozy cafes, “brown” pubs, and trendy nightclubs with world-class DJs, and much much more add to the city’s “live and let live” mantra.

1. Daytona Beach

Yeah. It’s a cliché, but Daytona Beach has gotta be the cheapest, number-one, redneck, couple-splittin’ Spring Break destination around!  This amazing 23-mile stretch of wide, white sand beach has long been one of the hottest spring break destinations in Florida. Spring breakers can take a drive down 16 miles of this world famous beach, catch some rays, or ride the waves in the Atlantic surf.

Daytona Beach offers some of the wildest nightlife with nightclubs like the “Ocean Deck,” “Razzles,” and many more. Other than the beach and sponsored activities planned around spring break, there are few entertainment choices. Daytona Lagoon is a popular water and amusement park and the Daytona 500 Experience located adjacent to the Daytona International Speedway are the most popular. Other activities include water tours and water craft rentals… but you’ll probably never get off that beach.

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You’ve dreamed of it for years…. A relationship with an older, confident woman who will give you mind-blowing sex without the expectation of a long-term relationship. That’s right… you want to snag yourself a cougar. I mean, Ashton Kutcher could probably get his fair share of young starlets in Hollywood, yet he opts for Demi Moore. The proof is in the pudding.

But how to go about it? After all, if it was this easy to do, you’d see more of it around. After all, there are so few Madonna’s, Demi’s, and “Samantha’s” (from Sex & The City).  Want ot become the envy of your friends? Here are some tips:

Where To Meet A Cougar

There are only a couple ways to (safely) meet a cougar.

1) Bars

That’s right, when a prospective cougar is hungry for boy-toy prey, she’s looking for a bit of a thrill, which usually involves alcohol and music….Most likely, white wine and 80s rock… That’s right, these ladies were teenagers in the early 80s, so also remember to stock up on your U2, Journey, and Motley Crue CDs at your bachelor pad. Oh, and plenty of Pinot Grigio. But though they may be out “hunting,” you’ll actually have to do the actual hunting. So go up to her, crack a joke (but don’t make fun of her age), maybe even use a pickup line. Flirt, have fun, and relax. At the very least, a cougar will appreciate the confident attempt.

2) Cougar Dating Sites

Cougar Dating Sites have a number of advantages and disadvantages, really the same advantages or disadvantages as all dating sites. First, you can search a large number of potential mates, as well as get a sense of their personality, likes and dislikes, if they’re possibly crazy, religious, our a transvestite, whatever.  Also, you know that if these brave, intrepid ladies have put themselves out there, that not only are they cougars…. they’re hungry cougars… which will make the “meal” all the more exciting.

Want specifics? Just google “Cougar Dating Sites” and about 50 of them come up. icougardating.com, gocougar.com, and many many others.

The only downside to these sites? Obvious. If older woman are posting their “best” pictures, there’s a good shot they might look well… a bit more “experienced”  in person.

How To Act and Pick Up A Cougar

1) Be Fun, But Not Immature

Let’s be clear, a cougar will date you to either feel good about herself, to get back at her husband or ex, or to refresh her “zest” for life after rejecting these couch-potato boring-ass professional types. So, take her dancing, be fun, energetic, and ebullient. That’s right, ebullient. Just don’t use the word “ebullient” around her unless your using to describe your style in bed. She might find it intriguing.

2) Offer To Pay For At Least Your Half

Yes, this older cougar of yours, especially if she has a good divorce lawyer, will probably have much more money than you. But at least ATTEMPT to show that you’re not a gold-digger. That’s what girls your age do. These older gals are much more hip to this. Make a move for the wallet. However you DON’T have to spend a ton on her or show off a cool car. She ’s dated more “finacially secure” men than you, and obviously found them lacking in the romance/sex department. So make sure you take care of her other (non-monetary) needs.

3) Give her Attention

But don’t smother. Odds are, these cougars are a bit self-centered, as are older men who date much younger women. That’s okay. Give compliments, tell her she’s gorgeous and sexy… but don’t become a needy, whiny bitch. Odds are, she’s dealt with a few of these obsessive needy men in her many past relationships, so you’ll be gone in about three seconds if you start to demand attention of your own.

This shouldn’t be a trial. Here’s what you do: Flirty emails, phone calls asking what she’s wearing… cougars love that, and that’s why we love them… us young studs and older cougars are in the same place sexually.

4) Be Prepared To Be A Boy-Toy Trophy Man

This means you’ll have to play the part. Work out. Stay in good shape… after all, this is why they’re dating you. But also have a good sense of style. Groom yourself. Keep your place clean. Wear Marc Jacobs cologne. Do the things that, say, Anna Nicole Smith did for that decrepit oil tycoon… just don’t go after someone that old. She’s probably going to want to show you off, so dust of your shoes and put your best physical self forward.

5) Be Adult in Every Way

Don’t blow off your cougar to go out with friends or to take bong hits and watch South Park. If you made plans with a cougar, keep them. A cougar wants you active, out and about, not sitting on your couch with your buddies and potato chip crumbs on your stomach. And they have no patience for flakes.

6) Let Her Lead In The Bedroom

Cougars know what they want. They’re not insecure about their looks or size  or any of the b.s. complaints and insecurities that comes with girls in their twenties. The Cougs have gotten over it and know their strengths, wants, and desires. In the bedroom, THEY are the hunters. Let them hunt you, impart their erotic wisdom, and trust me, you will not have a problem. Sit back and enjoy.

7) Go after the alpha cougars

There are two types of cougars: Alpha and Beta. Alphas are intelligent, sophisticated, and out for sexual empowerment to compliment their already-awesome lives. The Betas are out there to make them feel better about themselves because they’re insecure and fearsome about aging. Make sure you go after the alphas…. betas are probably more trouble than their worth… like cougars with rabies.

If I’ve missed anything…

There are many cougar dating advice forums online, like the one here.

Adhere to these tenets, ye followers of EgoTV, and good luck cougar hunting!

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“In man’s evolution he created the city an

The motor traffic rumble, but give me half a chance,

and I’d be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle.”

- The Kinks

Consciousness and intelligence can be a cruel curse. Civilization and modern tools can wear you down. There’s a reason that people go to tropical locales, strip off their clothes, and make love like gorillas whenever they get a chance to go off work. Because being a gorilla or ape is in many ways, superior to being human. In fact, in almost every way. Here are some reasons why:

1) Personalized Grooming

As humans, when we want to be groomed, we can either go to an expensive salon or luxury day spa, or, if we don’t have the cash, we have to undergo the grueling task of grooming ourselves. Ugh. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your loving partner groom you grubs and lice out of your fur for you? Wouldn’t it be great if she wasn’t grossed out by this? And that she would do it for free? Yeah…. In the world of grooming, beauty, and hygiene, I’d rather be an ape.

2) Fling feces at your enemies

Don’t you ever feel just like… throwing feces at someone when they piss you off? As a devout Mets fan, I’ve been wishing I could fling poo at my TV screen fro the past few years. Or, when I’m watching politicians give interviews on  Meet The Press… or when that freecreditreport.com guy comes on  with some incredibly annoying song of his, blaring at the too-loud volume of commercials. Of course, then I’d have to scrub my flat-screen, but the satisfaction would be well worth it. Flinging feces? Definitely preferable, if it were socially acceptable. I f I were an ape, it would be.

3) Walk around naked all day

When I’m alone in my apartment, I’m pretty much naked all the time. If I were a gorilla, I’d not only be able to lumber around the jungle naked all the time, but it would be considered normal, nay… encouraged. Like one big nude colony…. awesome.

4) No sunburns

I have pasty white skin. If I were a gorilla, I could frolic about the tropical forest and grasslands with no need for SPF 80, like I do now. No more embarrassing red splotches on the places that I miss, no threat of skin cancer, and no vampiric skin tone like I have now. Just a nice, deep, mocha tone… aw, yeah.

5) Potential job as an actor in 2020… the sequel to 2001 and 2010.

I still have no idea how they got those gorillas to take direction in the film 2001… Then again, it’s Stanley Kubrick, and he could pretty much get anyone to do whatever he wants. All I know is that in the third installment, I would dominate the Oscars for my performance as “Gorilla #3.” I would also demand a trailer full of bananas.

6) The mane of thick, black hair

Ladies love a guy with thick, black hair…. Gorillas have that in spades. Plus, gals think that apes are cute for some reason…. Don’t ask me why. Maybe I could be a shampoo model.

7) Banana obsession leads to a healthier lifestyle

That’s right, I would no longer crave pizza, red meat, and alcohol… all substances that pack on the pounds, which my doctor so kindly reminded me last week (thanks Doc), but if I were a Gorilla, I wouldn’t crave junk, but bananas and bananas…. Potassium and vitamins galore! I’d be trim, svelte, and dead sexy as an ape, that’s for  sure… well, at least more svelte than I am now. Gorillas are mostly herbivorous, so veggies and fruits do dominate their menu, anyway.

I could learn Sign Language

Apes have shown the ability to use tools and learn sign language. Specifically, the trained gorilla Koko was able to learn a subset of sign language, meaning that as a gorilla, I would probably have a better chance of learning to sign than I do now.

I’ll leave you with this kindred sentiment from the most underrated band from the 60s, The Kinks!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eEep67akIn4

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Let’s say you have a girlfriend or wife. Congratulations! Now the hard part: What do you do when your lovely significant other is trying on a dress at some local shi-shi stor, turns to you, and says, “Does this make me look fat?” I think just about every guy who’s ever been in a significant relationship has encountered this question. And if you haven’t been asked, you will be, college-boy.

It may seem like just a simple question, but oh,  there’s so much tied up in it.

What does she REALLY mean?

The aforementioned question could mean a few things.

The first, is that she’s having a “fat day” and wants you to tell her she’s still the smokin’-hot gal you asked out in the first place.

The second is that she likes this particular piece of clothing, but may be looking for an excuse to not buy it and expend a few hundred unnecessary dollars.

So what do you do? If you say that she doesn’t look fat in the dress, she might love you for the day (until she asks you another no-win question tomorrow). However, she’ll then get out that credit card  and cha- cha- ching! You’re buying her dinner for the next montha and a half because she has no money left. How much was that dress again?! Women’s clothing, especially cool-lookin’ clothing = not cheap.

So, what do you say? “Yes, you look fat in it?” Well… that seems impossible.

You could, however, pull out this gem: “Well I don’t like the dress on you…You’re way to good-looking for it.” This is one possible out, but then, your girl will spend the next month and a half trying to interpret that statement, especially when you lie down together at night. You’ll want to get on with the relationship-sustaining “relations,” while she’ll say, “I’m sorry, I’m just not in the mood/ have a headache/ too tired.” Meanwhile, she’ll be thinking, “Oh my God, what did he mean, that dress didn’t look good on me? It looked fantastic on the headless and limbless size-zero mannequin int he store! Am I not as attractive as that headless, limbless, sexy piece of plastic?!”

Then you’re really in trouble, because you’ll probably have no idea she’s actually thinking this, and no clue why the “marital relations” have dried up… and you’ll start to wonder if you yourself look fat in… well, your own body.

Your Answer

So… what can you say, so that she

A) Isn’t insecure and

B) Doesn’t by the dress?

There are several options. You could say:

1. “The dress looks absolutely fantastic on you, but the designer is notorious for employing under-aged kids in south Asian Sweatshops. Every dress of hers means that 10 kids will be deprived of their childhood and will be forced to work twelve hours a day in inhuman conditions. They’ve probably seated all over that material as they were sewing.”

2. “I heard that designer makes her dress out of puppies” (I’m cringing just writing this, let alone saying it with a straight face)

3. “It looks great… Too bad your friend Sharon wore the exact same one at that party we were at last week.”

4. “That’s Sarah Palin’s favorite dress, I heard.”

Sure, these COULD get you out, but your girl will probably sense that you’re lying, and will press you for details, go home, and fact-check all these sociological and political excuses for not purchasing the darn dress. Once she finds out about your lying, she’ll berate you: “Why did you lie?! You think I’m fat, don’t you? I saw your face when I ordered the ribs with mac & cheese the other night! I’d had a really stressful day that day, okay?! I can’t have a nice rack of ribs every once in a while?!!”

Then the tantrum ensues.

So what’s your only option? This answer:

“Yeah, it makes you look fat… Good thing I LOVE fat chicks!”

And she’ll be yours forever…Until she goes shopping again.

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1. Galactic City

Galactic City is the official name of the planet-wide city of Coruscant. During the Galactic Empire, it was called the Imperial City. It’s home to many super-cool tourist attractions, like the The Imperial Palace the massive fortress that served as the headquarters of the Emperor, which is in the heart of the city. Also, there’s the Imperial Senate building, and the Jedi Temple where the Jedi Knights convene and pray to “the force.” What’s also cool? Flying cars and cabs. Now traffic isn’t just horizontal, it’s stacked on top of each other. And with a city that spans an entire planet, you know there’s going to be some awesome space-bars and strip clubs with crazy alien-chick strippers! Hopefully they still allow lap dances…. unlike Detroit.

2. Munchkinland

You might think the most desirable city from The Wizard of Oz  would be the Emerald City, that grand gleaming destination where Dorothy, The Scarecrow, The Tin Man, and The Cowardly Lion aspire to reach. But remember, that place is filled with murderous flying monkeys and a phony “Wizard” who’s really no wizard as all. But in Munchkinland? That’s where the good, hardworking little people of the lollipop guild and others give the visiting Dorothy all the best “small-town” (pardon the pun) hospitality you’d ever need. They welcome her with a pageant of singing, dancing, weirdly colorful clothing, and all the pomp of a homecoming parade. Plus, Glenda the (hot) good witch  is there, a welcome sight in this small little hamlet. And the candy… so much candy! I mean, they have a union exclusively for the guys who make lollipops for God’s sake.

3. The Shire in Middle Earth

Okay, is Bilbo Baggins’ house not the coolest thing ever? The good Hobbits of the Shire, not unlike the Munchkins of Munchkinland, are a peace-loving small town of small people. An agrarian society where hobbits farm, socialize, and smoke their pipes, The Shire is a pastoral Eden for these little Hobbits…. and they build their homes into the grassy hills, which is a freakin’ cool architectural feat. If only that darned ring hadn’t made its way into Biblo’s hands and turned him all nuts-o.

4. Gotham City

Sure, Gotham maybe riddled with crime, corruption and violence…. but at least the villains plaguing your town wouldn’t be your typical fat cat mafia bosses or corrupt politician, they’d be some dude with a painted face and purple jumpsuit like the Joker, a hunchback like The Penguin, or a hot chick in a skin-tight black leather suit like The Catwoman. Also, if you happen to be the victim of a typical crime, there’s a good chance so guy in a batsuit will swoop in and rescue you. Nice.

5. Laputa

Laputa is the city from Gulliver’s Travels that flies… literally. Yes, the flying island city is full of egg-head intellectuals, who, for all their ponderous philosophizing and theorizing, don’t actually make much sense or get anything done. So why would anyone want to live there? Well…. you’re reading this site, aren’t ya? Plus, I mean…. it’s a freaking flying city. The views must be amazing.

6. Bedrock

Bedrock home of the “Honeymooner-esque” couple of Fred and Wilma Flintsone. You, know, I’ve always wanted a pet dinosaur, and in Bedrock, I could have it. Also, they all have hybrid cars in bedrock… they’re powered by the feet of their drivers and their dino-pets. No carbon footprint! Plus, those Brontosaurus ribs Fred orders in the opening credits look absolutely delicious.

7. Sky-High Orbit City

Sky-High Orbit City is where the Jetsons live. The Jetsons are pretty much the Flintstones, but in the future. And their future city is in the clouds, held up on pedestals that we assume must connect to some sort of ground that we never see. The cars are super-cool flying pods, and the houses are great circular structures with windows all around, so you can see 360 degrees of sky. Add that to the cool hairstyles and clothes (although George still looks a bit frumpy for some reason, what family Dads can’t have style in the future?), and the robot maids who still understand sarcasm, and you’ve got a real cool place to live… just don’t get drunk and fall off your porch… it looks like a loooooong way down.

8. El Dorado

El Dorado… a city believed to be made entirely of gold, where the roads were made of  gold and emeralds, and where, because they existed in such abundance, were of no real value to its inhabitants. The failed destination of many Spanish explorers, El Dorado was often scene as a mythical Utopia…. which none of these explorers ever found. The city was also depicted in Voltaire’s satire Candide. The benefits of El Dorado are obvious… the city is literally made of money. Also, there are no priests there in Candide, and best of all… All the King’s jokes are funny. If you ever decide to leave, although I can’t imagine why you’d want to, just pick up some stones from the street and you’ll be a rich man wherever you go…. Bling!

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