How to Take a Proper Selfie

    February 28, 2014 at 2:21 am

    You want to look good, don’t you?

    Take a lot of selfies to figure out what your best angle is and then stick to that angle. The point of a good selfie is to lie as much as possible using nothing but a photograph which purposely conceals or excludes your unbearable flaws and makes you look at least remotely attractive.

    You don’t have to be very good at photoshop to take a good selfie, but having airbrushing skills doesn’t hurt. Of course, you want to make sure that you don’t go overboard and make yourself look like you’re a clown posing behind a panel of privacy glass. Then everyone will know that you’re a big faker and your future of deceitful selfies will be ruined forever AKA you’ll never get a girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever.

    There’s a Japanese product that glues your eyes open to make your eyes look bigger and more doeish than they really are. Did you know that? Do your research and purchase the makeup that is appropriate for you. Cover up that acne. People like grease on their pizzas, and even then not really. Get some extensions (clip-ons are relatively cheap). Concealer, concealer, concealer.

    If You’re Fat
    Face pictures only.

    Doing Exciting Things
    Don’t just take selfies in your crusty bathroom; get out there and look like you’re having fun. You can even ask someone else to take your picture in front of some random monument or historical-looking building, but that wouldn’t really be a selfie. However it may at least trick other people into thinking you have friends or at least one friend.

    Your shirt must be open or completely off. Boobs are easy to show off in a selfie because tit-acne is harder to see, small ones are easier to smash together with the help of a two inch thick padded bra that may be an obvious farce in person but harder to discern in photographs, and droopy ones can be held up with duct tape/a good bra.

    The least you can do is clean your goddamn mirror before using it to take a picture — no one wants to see all that pimple slime from hours spent picking at your face in front of your bathroom mirror. It might also help to clean up whatever’s behind you, whether it’s putting sheets on your stained mattress or picking up your dirty jerkoff socks lying from lying all over the floor.

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