Do This. Not That: Thinking Critically about Death by Dealing with “Dead” Bodies in the 21st Century

 
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    July 25, 2013 at 2:22 pm

    With advent of 21st century, everybody has to deal with death at one time or another.  Last centuries ideas are rooted in the interrelationship between religion, federal, state, and local governments.  Death used to be a sad thing.  People would do stuff in their lifetimes, and then disappear forever.  Nowadays, we have ways to keep dead people, and people in critical condition around for centuries. While it isn’t necessarily immortality, here is a list of things to do, and not do, to deal with dead bodies in 21st century.

    Don’t bury. Most worldwide religions and creeds believe in burying the body within a short amount of time.  The general idea is that spirit gets returned to earth or something.  This is so blasé.  Lets move on.

    Do this instead: Stay above ground.  Do whatever you can to be enshrined permanently, to act as a living exhibit to constantly remind your loved ones that your spirit is omniscient and that you are watching out over them.  Especially when they masturbate.  This really freaks out adolescents.

    Make Deadness fashionable.  With modern technology, the costs of keeping a body anthropomorphic keep decreasing

    Don’t lie or sit down. Jeremy Bentham appears douchey simply sitting down.

    Jeremy Bentham sits at University of London

    Will Jeremy Bentham be remembered for his key philosophical contributions to Western Civilization? No, he will be remembered for looking douchey.

     

     

    Though Chairman Mao and Lenin killed millions of people, they look defenseless, and appear vulnerable in their current embalmed positions.  This does not make them appear hard.  It makes them appear dead…ish.

    Chairman Mao Dead

    Lenin Dead

    Is Lenin actually dead, or is it simply a cake that portrays a dead human?

    Do something; anything. – You can taxidermy your skin and put on a doll.   Maybe think about putting your skin on a Japanese robot that greets people at the entrance door to your home like a cigar store Indian.

    Japanese Robot

    Taxidermied skin and Japanese robots are not simply limited to greeting people at doors

    Or, for younger, attractive women between the ages of 18-34, place skin on “real doll”.  This is great for families, as younger children can play dress up and you can still take care of your significant other’s ahem “needs”.

    Real Doll

    Husband and prematurely expired wife in matrimonial bliss

     

     

    Don’t cremate-Though you can do some cool stuff by cremating with ashes by skydiving, space burials, and turning into a diamond, we all know the marketing that goes behind diamonds. These are still last centuries ideas.

    Do plastinate and cryogenically freeze your head.  By plastinating, you can keep your body generally intact.  By cryogenically freezing your head and plastinating the rest of your body, it will allow future technology to use 3d biological printers and forced organ transplants as well your cyrogenically reanimated brain to bring you back to life to near perfect specifications

    Plastination

    Husband and husband enjoying each other after plastination

    There are only a few things certain in life.  Death and Taxes.  However, there are ways to prevent both.  By using this guide to critically think about death and dealing with dead bodies in the 21st century, you too can circumvent death and both reassure and scare the shit out of your loved ones for centuries to come.

    Old Guy

    boo!

     

     

     

     
     
     
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