5 Accessories That Automatically Make You a Douchebag

 
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    July 15, 2013 at 4:00 am

    The Douchebag, also known as “That Guy,” is a common animal and easily identified by their usage of one or more of the following 5 accessories that automatically make you a douchebag:

    E-Cigarettes

    E-Cig

    Want to look like a total jerk? Hop on the e-cigarette train, which is likely to contain just as much cancer as your regular cigarettes. E-cigarettes like Eon Smoke are ‘mostly’ propylene glycol, which is considered a toxin. Although it comes in different grades, the low-grade of which is used in some foods, the stronger version of this chemical is used in anti-freeze, paint thinner, and other cool stuff you probably shouldn’t ingest if you aren’t a fan of dying a slow, painful death. The product also contains ‘a flavor if you should so choose’, which also sounds a little ominous. So the next time you are feeling the douche inside you itch to argue about the healthy nature of e-cigarettes, realize that there have really been no studies to support that claim and that the ingredients in your goofy-looking-plastic-light-up-wand-accessory-that-makes-you-look-like-a-douchebag are questionable at least.

    A French Bulldog or Boston Terrier

    Bulldog

    Hipsters and yuppies unite in their love for these stupid little dogs. But dude, forget about all the pets that are slaughtered daily because of all the people who are too irresponsible to care for a novelty puppy they once wanted, like, soooo badly. French Bulldogs are totally the cutest. Because they are selectively, carefully bred to look like mashed up loaves of bread, these animals are notorious for having serious respiratory problems and seem to be perpetually struggling to breathe. But they look cool, so who cares?

    Except they don’t. They don’t look cool. They look like everyone has a French Bulldog (or a Boston Terrier, which do not have such health problems but are equally defenseless, useless creatures), making them both problematic and devoid of personality. It’s also no coincidence that everyone is suddenly obsessed with these two breeds in particular. A million liars say they have “always thought they were cool,” but the boston terrier and french bulldog populations in Brooklyn have only recently exploded. If you have jumped on the boston-terrier-french-bulldog bandwagon, you are absolutely and most certainly a Starbucks latte sipping, vegan freegan, used toilet paper repurposing, iPad self-shot taking, wine blogging douchebag.

    Anything Ed Hardy

    Ed Hardy

    For a while now, it’s been common knowledge that wearing anything Ed Hardy makes you a total and complete douchebag. So why do people still do it? Are they too douchey to understand their own douchiness? Do they just not care? Is ‘douchebag’ the look they’re going for? It is a baffling mystery. Accessories that make you look like a douchebag are also a baffling mystery.

    Land Paddler

    Land Paddler

    I have only seen one person riding a land paddler thing, and he was, of course, a total douchebag. Picture this: A middle aged man coasts down the street, laboring to push himself along on his land paddler. His Bluetooth jiggles on his ear ever so slightly with every shove of his land-wand. The breeze ruffles his graying hair with frosted blonde tips. His cargo shorts brush against you as he takes up the entire sidewalk and pushes your patience to the absolute limit.

    And that should be the commercial for land paddlers. Not the actual commercial, which unrealistically consists of young, attractive tan people speeding down a beachside road lined with palm trees. That could not be farther from the truth. This is not a cool product and normal people would not want to be seen using it, only aging guys who are misguided and desperately attempting to cling onto the days of being the most popular dude in the whole frat house.

    T-Shirts with “Funny” Sayings or Internet Memes

    Dumb T-Shirt

    Your shirt is not funny and neither are you. No one wants to see that stupid meme that has beaten to death and mushed into an annoyance by just about everyone on the internet. People are not reading your shirt because it’s cool. They are reading it because the words being waved in front of them are impossible to avoid. Then, when they fail to compliment you on how witty and clever you are (or even if they do in an awkward, forced tone), realize that they are silently judging you as a douchebag. Leave stuff like “Come at me Bro,” “Normal People Scare Me” and the “Me Gusta” face to 12-year-olds who still shop at Hot Topic.

     
    About the Author
    I started writing when I was .05. I have a dog named Cody. And a cat named Catty. I have other cats but they aren't important. I run www.ForkParty.com. Follow me on Twitter @Important
     
     
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