Getting Over Getting Dumped: A Guide

 
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    May 7, 2013 at 4:00 am

    The girl of your dreams and your girlfriend of three whole days has changed her number and taken out a restraining order against you, effectively ending your passionate love affair and sending you into dumped-land for eternity. What do you do to get over being dumped?

    Pretend your ex is dead. Pretend they never existed and were just a Waifu figment of your imagination. However you do it, convince yourself that your ex does not exist on this or any other planet, on this or any other dimension. That means no contacting via phone calls, text, email, or ‘liking’ their pictures on Instagram. That means not even visiting their Instagram. Or their Facebook. Or their Vampire Freaks profile to see what threads they’ve been posting on. If you have mutual friends, never inquire about how your ex is doing. Don’t even make a point to ask your friends not to mention your ex, unless they do so more than once, at which point it’s okay to tell them to cut it out.

    Eliminate every trace of your ex’s existence from your life. You don’t have to throw out your old letters and pictures, but put them in a taped up shoebox stuffed in the hairiest, nastiest, most gummy worm infected part of underneath your bed. The point is, keeping your ex’s memory painfully fresh yet unattainable is like hitting the refresh button on a video of puppies being stomped to death: total gut-wrenching torture.

    If you really, really want to tell them something…It’s too goddamn bad, and more importantly way too late. Write your ex a letter and then stuff it in the ole memory box. Do not send it. Write as many letters to your ex as your bleeding heart desires, but never, ever, ever send any of them. They must be locked away and forgotten until you can rediscover it a few years later and see how stupid you were.

    Things that are important:
    Moping
    Being Alone
    Moping Alone
    Eating Your Emotions (in the form of a 2lb banana split smoothie float with a jar of Nutella on the side)
    Doing Nothing

    Moping is part of your pathetic healing process. You need to allow yourself to be upset so you can actually function when it comes to having social interactions sans hysterical crying and/or lots of heavy sighing, eye rolling. You also need to find time to do nothing, and screaming at 12-year-olds over Call of Duty doesn’t count even a little bit. You may gain a new sense of self-satisfaction when I tell you that staring at your ceiling for a few hours at a time is actually very important for your mental clarity. Oscar Wilde knew what was up; he (and many psychology publications/experts or what have you) agree that some quality nothing time allows the brain to sort out issues and better understand difficult problems and situations.

    Don’t mope too much. You’re not trying to Sorrows of Young Werther Yourself, now. Give yourself time to cry like a little pussy, but don’t cancel a month’s worth of your plans to do so. If you’ve had a few mopey nights and are dreading a pizza party at Stan’s mom’s basement two nights from now, it’s time to suck it up and force yourself to go out. You don’t have to be enthusiastic about it. It doesn’t matter if you’re an Eyore the whole way there and back (but don’t make it worse for yourself on purpose, you drama queen), but you can’t sit inside your smelly, crusty little cave forever. You might even have a few minutes of fun before remembering the bane of your existence, the one-who-will-not-be-named, and ‘hrrrmph’ing back into grump mode.

    Don’t think about finding someone else. This includes lamenting that you’re a total piece of shit who no one will ever want to be with or care about, desperately trying to get laid, wondering what’s wrong with you and how you can fix it before your next circus of a relationship, dwelling over all the time you wasted with what’s-her-face when you could have been out finding your true ‘soulmate.’

    The time is nigh to chill the fuck out and be single for a minute. You don’t necessarily have to enjoy it, but your mushed up brain needs time to reanimate itself and realize that not everything in life is terrible, there’s ample time to experience not one but many additional miserable romantic endeavors, and that the earth’s population is so large that even if you are the most repulsive, ill-mannered creature on the planet, someone will still truly love you for who you are deep inside. Which is most likely not the slimy, vampiric thing that being dumped has left you feeling like.

    Don’t worry how you’ll get back on your feet. Just accept feeling like a piece of shit and keep on keepin’ on. Life itself, playing itself out with all of its events and crossing paths and DTF hotties, will put the pieces back together for you. Unless the person who just left you was the love of your life and meant to be with you forever, in which case you are beyond help from any ‘how to’ article you’ll find on the internet.

     
     
     
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