How to Avoid Being “That Guy” at the Party

 
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    April 11, 2013 at 4:00 am

    No one wants to be “That Guy” but a lot of “Those Guys” don’t even know that they are “That Guy.” In fact, we should probably define “that guy” for all the potential “that guys” who just got invited to their first party. “That guy” is the guy at the party where people are whispering “what’s with that guy”? Understand? Good. Here are some ways you can avoid falling into the deep, horrible pit of “That Guy”-dom and hopefully take a (willing) girl home that night.

    Don’t Do Overtly Sexual Stuff

    clinton drunk

    Like licking your lips when talking to a girl or putting your hand on her waist the first time you meet her. I put the word “sexy” in quotes because it’s not actually sexy; it’s gross and weird. Either don’t do it or find someone who is gross and weird just like you.

    It’s also disrespectful to start groping on someone you just met unless you’re a billion percent sure she’s into it. Unless she says, “yea, do that,” you don’t know that she wants to be handled by some sweaty dude who just screamed his name into her ear over overpriced cocktails and the sound of whatever shitty Jay-Z song is blaring on repeat.

     

    Don’t wear a Fedora

    Fedora

    Please.

     

    Handle Yourself Like an Adult

    birthday tantrum

    I hate babies. I especially hate man babies invading an adults-only venue. Don’t get so wasted that you start asking women to change your diaper or begin stumbling around, stepping on their tiny feet and pushing them out of the way as you rush to the bathroom to throw up. Nobody wants to talk to the overtly wasted guy.

     

    No Affliction Shirts

    ed hardy

    Unless you’re trying to attract one of plentiful “Bridge and Tunnel” rats that overpopulate the city on weekends in their eight inch heels and multiple layers of cancerous fake tans, avoid wearing Affliction or Ed Hardy. Avoid anything with tribal tattoo-esque filigree, dragons, tigers, or rhinestones embellished on your clothing.

     

    No Fingering Girls on the Dance Floor

    fingering
    Actually, I changed my mind. Please do this. I will gladly take pictures of you and post them on Instagram. I have seen this happen multiple times, but it never gets old, less shocking or less disgusting. I suppose that if your hands are down a girl’s pants in public, you’re pretty much in. However, expect to show up on Ratchetmess.tumblr.com and for her to wake up feeling regretful and never speak to you again.

     

    No Sunglasses Indoors

    Sunglasses

    When wearing sunglasses in a dark club, you look like the jerk that you are.

     

    No Profuse Sweating

    sweating

    I know you can’t help it, but it’s still gross. Really gross. Sorry.

     

    Staring and Glaring

    Staring
    There’s a difference between giving a girl your best rapey puppy eyes and trying to feel out whether or not there’s a connection forming and blatantly glaring at a girl so much that she begins to feel uncomfortable. There comes a point in your staring career where you must make a decision: either approach her or give it up entirely. Even the most attractive of men can repel a girl by staring her down like you’re about to roofie her drink and drag her into your roach-infested apartment.

     

    No Negging

    Neg

    For those of you who haven’t seen the atrocity that is “The Pickup Artist,” negging is a term used to describe what is supposed to be a method of opening a conversation with a girl you’re interested in. What it really is is a transparent, immature attempt at making a girl feel inferior and hoping that, in turn, she will want to defend her honor and for some reason admire your wittiness in the process. The reason to avoid negging is not because it’s truly insulting, but because it usually doesn’t work. Girls don’t want to talk to a guy who has a bitchy attitude and feels so insecure he has to start a conversation off with an insult that really means “I want to have sex with you but don’t know how to converse like a decent human being so I’m using a pedantic tactic taught to me by a Hot Topic loving man who wears a fuzzy top hat and calls himself ‘Mystery.’, Girls often do like to be teased, though, but keep those insults playful, creepo.

     

    Know When to Give Up

    stalker

    If she keeps walking away and doesn’t return, stop chasing her. Being persistent is okay until she starts hiding behind her friends from you. Don’t be a creep. The purpose of a party isn’t to score, it’s to meet people you might score with. If you don’t meet anyone, go home and get ready for next time. Just don’t be desperate, the ladies can, like, physically smell that.

     
     
     
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