The Worst of This Week’s News
This Fucking Bowl is Worth Over $2 Million
Look at it. Look at that goddamn bowl. It’s white. It’s from China. It’s over 1000 years old. It’s pretty cool, I guess.
Parents Publicly Humiliate Daughter, Get Upset When She is Publicly Humiliated
Brungen and Dungus Nickell were upset when they found out their daughter earned three D’s in school. They forced her to wear a humiliating sign whilst standing at a busy intersection. They were even more upset when they learned that passing motorists had photographed and filmed the unfortunate teenager — and then posted the images to Facebook.
What did you idiots expect? Nothing is private anymore. There are a million ’30 Pictures of Kids Being Publicly Humiliated and Wearing Embarrassing, Shittily Handwritten Signs’ posts all over the internet. Your child isn’t special; the internet comes for everyone.
Oh, and the child in question apparently became “unruly” after her uncle died fighting in Afghanistan and a Christian counselor recommended that her parents use the ‘ruin your life with this sign’ method. No joke can live up to the tragi-comedy of reality in this story.
Jane Goodall Plagiarized the Internet in Her Latest Book
Famous professional monkey business-doer Jane Goodall was caught monkeying around when she was called out for using “at least 12” passages from various websites in her new book, Seeds of Hope. Goodall said she was “distressed” that not all of her sources were “properly cited” and that she was “sincerely apologetic.” Whatever, you fake-ass bitch.
ACLU Won’t Allow Girls to Wear Suits, Boys to Wear Heels to Prom
Snore. Come on. Can’t we get past bullshit like this and move on to more important things? Like, you know, science? Don’t you think finding out what’s at the bottom of the ocean is more important than being a homophobic fashion Nazi?
The Daily Mail is Still Fucking Retarded
Guy takes aerial shots of cities, uses Photoshop to create a mirror effect so that each city fluidly turns ‘upside down’ at the top of the picture. The Daily Mail calls this “mind boggling.”
Billionaire Jeff Bezos May Have Pulled Apollo 11’s Engines From the Ocean
Why is this terrible news? Because it takes a billionaire who just happens to like and care about nature to make important discoveries and recover “artifacts” like this. This is his playtime shopping spree money. This is something everyone should care about. Oh, look, bacon.
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