4 Dead Reality TV Shows That Are Better Than Anything on TV, Today

 
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    March 19, 2013 at 4:00 am

    Reality television sucks. Annoying, brain-melting commercials every five minutes, a lack of real drama (duck whistles — really?), and editors who think audiences are so stupid they need every detail of every event repeated 10 times before the next segment of the show can begin comprise the majority of reality TV. We don’t think our readers are that stupid. We certainly don’t think that… Our… Readers… Are…. That… Stupid. But things in TV land weren’t always so bleak; once upon a time, reality television was humiliating, dramatic, and horribly entertaining. Here are 4 reality television shows that should come back on the air.

     

    The Swan

    Remember when television (Fox, more specifically) reached an all time low-slash-high when it comes to exploiting the misfortunes of others and simultaneously humiliating those same people on national television? We mean life the fifth time. I do, because I watched the entire season of it and was left wanting more cringe-worthy, faith in humanity slaughtering greatness from the reality TV show that was The Swan.

    What it was:

    The Swan found the ugliest women (who were willing to admit their hideousness and bed for plastic surgery in front of a live audience) in America. After hunting down these beasts, The Swan would interview each genomic atrocity’s family and friends just to make sure that everyone, including their loved ones, was on the same page about how fucking repulsive the contestants were.

    After enough footage of the monster’s parents admitting that their stomachs writhed to look upon the face of their only daughter, each hunchback of Notre Dame was paraded onto a spinning podium wearing nothing but underwear. A plastic surgeon would explain each surgery required to make the victim a real human being, and red marker X’s, O’s, dotted lines and circles would be superimposed over the video to illustrate all the problem areas (which was basically everything).

    After a ton of painful surgeries that would ultimately fail to bring anyone joy (see chapter 3: Life Don’t Work Like That and You Can’t Plastic Surgery Your Deep Seated Emotional Issues), it was time for the big reveal…

    …AND BEAUTY PAGEANT! All the beautified participants would finally compete against one another in an extravagant beauty pageant to see who was the bestest cancerous plastic-flesh hybrid.

     

    I Survived

    http://youtu.be/_K7kz38GjZ8

    I mean, there were, like, fourteen seasons of this show, but forty wouldn’t have been enough. And why can’t I find anything besides season five anywhere online?

    What it was:

    Individuals are interviewed and recant, in first person, harrowing tales of that one time they accidentally cut their legs off with farm equipment and then got raped by two huge-dicked aliens before crawling 30 miles through the Antarctic to safety. And that they survived because baby Jesus wanted them to. Everyone says that. We also recommend “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” which details the death-defying stories of people who got themselves in ridiculous situations by being absolute dickheads.

     

    Singled Out

    Jenny McCarthy may not be the titty-tastic cutie that made Singled Out so great (or at least makes deluded 90s babies remember it as much better than it actually was), but Singled Out would still be a great addition to television today and is one reality show that definitely needs to come back.

    What it was:

    Singled Out featured a gaggle of single bros and bro-ettes who would compete to win dates with one another via flirtatious mini-games and perverted lines of trivia questions. Stuff like “Cleopatra may be queen of the Nile, but today I’m the queen. You’re Mark Anthony. Tell her you’re leaving her for me!” and “Bobbing For Meat” competitions were a common occurrence.

     

    To Catch a Predator


    Why was this show canceled? There’s no shortage of pedophiles in America, let alone the world. Who cares if a few of them kill themselves out of guilt and public humiliation? A: No one, but it’s a huge financial liability for the television network airing the show.

    What it was:

    Perverted Justice crime-fighting team would sit online, posing as young teens and tweens, waiting to be chatted up by some unsuspecting pervert. Pervert would reach out to the “decoy,” send dick pictures, engage in private instant messaging sessions about how badly he wanted to do really creepy shit to the boy or girl in question. A meeting was set up. Pedophile shows up at the bait house expecting to de-virginize. Chris Hansen pops out; “Why don’t you have a seat over here?” ensues. Pedophile is arrested, face is plastered all over television, life is presumably ruined. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     
     
     
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