7 Things I Hate About Skyrim on Xbox 360

 
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    February 28, 2013 at 4:39 am

    Skyrim is my favorite game ever. I can play it for ten hours straight without blinking. I  could write a 70 page thesis on how badass my character, Mommy, is. I even dream about it sometimes. But nothing is perfect; here are 7 things I hate about Skyrim:


    Load Time

    Fast traveling and entering or exiting any cave or building takes for-ev-er. I’ve counted up to, like, 90 seconds watching a still image of a Riekling spin back and forth before finally getting back to the game. Every time I enter some disappointingly cheap store or ‘swiftly’ teleport to some far off land, I am forced to endure excruciating load times. Which is pretty much every five to ten minutes.

    The load time is so slow that sometimes I actually read a book or cook a meal during these frequent and lengthy torture sessions.

     

    It Freezes

    I hate when I’ve spent fifteen minutes frantically hopping through some stony, snowy mountain range, scaled down the side of a cliff, enter a town, kill an ancient dragon, and try to enter the local bar when everything suddenly freezes on a still of my stupidly glowing hands opening a giant wooden door which reveals a pitch black abyss through its crack. The Xbox whirrs. Nothing moves. Minutes pass. I wait with an anxious, futile hope.

    I press the Xbox home button on my controller and the soft blooming sound of the menu opening plays. But the menu doesn’t actually open. Nothing happens. The screen is irreparably frozen. I prepare to restart my system and angrily lament while replaying all of my lost progress.

     

    NPCs Getting in My Goddam Way

    Lydia stands in the doorway like an oaf, blocking me from entering the puzzle room in a dwarven cave. I don’t even use Lydia; I just forgot the name of the girl who follows me (she’s blonde) — but every single NPC behaves in this rude and annoying manner.

    I stand as close as I can to her and jump up and down obnoxiously, to no avail. I uselessly flail before her, standing tall and defiant, in the small passageway. I can’t tell if my faithful fighter is retarded or just being a total dick. These copycats will move away from the door only when you yourself begin to walk away, but normal people typically don’t have to run circles around a room just to use a doorway.

     

    No Mods


    One can download a plethora of amazing mods for Skyrim on the PC, from ridiculous folly such as a shout that summons a guitar-playing bear to serious and seriously badass add-ons like packs of new spells, visual effects, weapons, and textures.

    The Xbox offers none of this. And that makes me very jealous of PC players. I’m stuck with the basics. It’s not good enough and life is really hard.

     

    Can’t Track Lost Weapons

    This one is kind of dumb and only included because I somehow lost my Wabbajack, which was one of my favorites, and have no way of getting it back.

     

    No Fast Traveling from Indoors

    skyrim indoors

    Oh, great. Thanks for doubling my already snail-like load time when I need to exit a building and then fast travel to a different town. I really value the five seconds of gameplay I get to experience between opening a door and then opening the map once I’m finally outside.

     

    I’m a Shitty Arch Mage

    Skyrim Archmage

    Ingredients in the OG Arch Mage’s headquarters always grew back no matter how many times I crawled around his garden to pilfer his glowing mushrooms and creep clusters. But now that I’m in charge, everything sucks. The garden has been depleted for months. It looks like I’m running a bare-bones front for some secret and illegal gambling operation. But I’m not. I’m just a really shitty gardener.

     
     
     
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