7 Bizarre Services You Can Actually Buy

 
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    January 25, 2013 at 4:00 am

    Bored with your ability to lazily order almost anything directly to your house, from groceries to clothing to laundry services? Here are seven bizarre services you never knew you needed to buy — until now.

    Naked Maid

    Nude Maid

    The Naked Maid service is probably the least bizarre of the most bizarre. The idea is simple: instead of hiring a plump old grandma-type to come and scrub the grime out of your moldy toilets, you get a cute girl with (presumably) nice boobies to do the job in the nude.

    These services exist in California, New York City, and Texas, though the latter is just one lady offering her personal “exotic house cleaning” skills. The former two are companies employing multiple women.

    In case you were confused, A Little Bit Dirty Housekeeping from California clarifies: “We actually clean, too.”

     

    Ashes to Portraits

    Memories from Ashes

    Ever wanted a down syndrome version of your loved one created using the burnt crumbles of his or her own dead body? Your dreams have just come true; there are multiple artists who offer the Ashes to Portraits service. Hand over the ashes of your friend, lover, parent or pet, and someone like Richard Barnett or Gretchen will turn them into a (sort of) beautiful painting in their image. And they promise not to snort even a single line.

    Gretchen stops at pet ashes, but Barnett goes all the way. And Memories From Ashes takes the creepy factor down a little bit by offering to paint the ashes into images depicting the person’s favorite hobby, some flowers, or an angelic “Gates of Heaven” scene.

    Last Meal Catering Service

    last meal

    Tacoma, Washington is home to the Last Meal Catering Service, a company that will cater your event using coffins which they’ve converted into propane-powered barbeque grills. You can choose between all black, black and red, and a gothy black-with-green-flames. The coffin grill can fit two giant racks of ribs, about ten burgers and a whole human corpse.

     

    Freeze Dried Pets

    freeze

    Perfect for traumatizing your children and inviting strange insects into your home, Perpetual Pet offers a “Loving and Lasting” alternative to taxidermy. Without going into too much graphic detail, Perpetual Pet explains that taxidermy’s impersonal method of preservation involves skinning your precious companion before stretching the hide over a resin or plastic mount. On the contrary, Perpetual Pet preserves your pet’s “actual, physical body.” Because keeping all the organs and innards intact is extremely important at this stage in the game.

    I’m having trouble finding a video that depicts a woman seeing her freeze dried dog for the first time. She keeps screaming “my baby, my baby” like she’s starring in a b-horror film from the 80s. She is most likely an accurate representation of the freeze dried pet clientele at large. And while some of the animals manage to look relatively “normal,” most appear to be very much dead and tearing into your soul with their glassy, unblinking eyes.

     

    Professional Cuddler

    cuddling

    Are you a lonely person in New York who is so hard-up for human contact that you would pay someone just to snuggle with you? Jackie Samuel will do the job, even if you smell like month-old Cheetos and burger grease. That’ll be $60 an hour, please.

    At The Snuggery in Rochester, New York, clients pay to snuggle with Samuel, who says she was “born knowing how to snuggle.” She uses her astounding and innate talent to earn money for her schooling and to care for her young son.

    Although clients aren’t allowed to “touch parts of her body covered by underwear under her pajamas,” a lot of people are apparently extremely offended by cuddling and have emailed Samuel to tell her so, calling her a prostitute (of snuggling).

     

    Grandmas for Rent

    kid cracking eggs

    Rent a Grandma sounds a little weird, but is nothing more than a gimmicky nanny service. Sick of sifting through piles of resumes from pot-smoking college-student babysitters and former To Catch a Predator stars? Rent a Grandma provides older, experienced women already approved by the company to care for your snotty little kid.

     

    Mobile Hangover Service

    Mobile Hangover Service

    Because nothing says “hangover cure” like getting stabbed with needles, a mobile hangover bus in Las Vegas called Hangover Heaven offers intravenous fluids and anti-nausea medications while jostling your already sick stomach as it drives around the city trying to pick up other victims clients.

    Treatment options: $90 for an IV of saline solution, B vitamins and vitamin C for a duration of under an hour, or $150 for the same, only doubled.

    While other doctors have warned that clients failing to report their medical histories or be properly aware of their own allergies may get owner Jason Burke in trouble, his clients have reported nothing but feeling better faster than they would have on a diet of Advil and fried food delivered directly to their hotel rooms.

     
    About the Author
    I started writing when I was .05. I have a dog named Cody. And a cat named Catty. I have other cats but they aren't important. I run www.ForkParty.com. Follow me on Twitter @Important
     
     
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