5 New Phone Apps for the Extremely Lazy

 
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    December 31, 2012 at 4:00 am

    These 5 new phone apps for the extremely lazy may help our culture reach a new level of passivity.Whether you’re too depressed to stop staring at your ceiling and get out of bed or just extremely lazy, there are new phone apps apps available to eliminate even the quickest and pettiest of tasks.

    The Smart Toilet

    toilet flushing app

    Is reaching your hand out to flush your toilet becoming a harrowing ordeal? The Japanese have solved your problem with a new iPhone app called My Satis, an app that pairs with a programmable Bluetooth toilet of the same brand.

    This shitty (see what we did there? That’s professional comedy writing, folks) app does more than just flush your toilet from afar; it can remotely lower the seat, plays music from two speakers within the seat, and can track your bowel movements in order to monitor both health and your water bill. And now you have something else to check besides Instagram; you can even share your bowel movement schedule and comment on the bowel movement posts of others.

    That last part isn’t true at all, but it does actually come with a ‘diary’ feature. Dear diary, today I made a poopy. I am 25 years old and am going to drown myself in my bluetooth toilet because I just realized that I am wasting valuable minutes of my life blogging about my excrement.

    But seriously, who is too extremely lazy to flush their own toilet but still OCD enough to track their stools in a journal?

    Blower the Real Air App

    air blowing app

    Is the life within you growing weaker each day as you lie on your death bed and wait to perish? Great, there’s a new phone app for that!

    Are your friends throwing you an early birthday party because they know you won’t make it the six months until your actual birthday, but you’re worried that you won’t be able to blow your candles out with your oxygen mask on/your extreme laziness? Just download Blower, the app that creates real air. If you manage to avoid melting your phone,

    Blower will make the last party of your life a total rager. We were going to say “a total blast” for the cruel punnage, but we didn’t. You owe us.

    Prolific reviews of this remarkable product include:

    It blows air!

    - CNN

    “Believe it or not, it blows air.”
    - Gizmodo

     

    Eight Glasses a Day

    eight glasses of water per day app

    This new phone app for the extremely lazy features a poorly rendered virtual table with eight tall glasses filled with what looks like liquefied meth. As you go about your business, tap a glass of meth each time you drink a glass of water. This way, you can keep track of how much water you’ve had to drink and make sure that you’re consuming the (inaccurately thought to be) recommended daily intake of meth. I mean water. Keep in mind the old adage of “eight glasses of water a day” does not mean drink eight glasses, but rather consume eight glasses through both food and water. So the people who make this app don’t even understand the simple principle behind their own extremely lazy app.

     

    Fat Burner 2000

    fatburner vibrating app

    A vibrator disguised as a new phone app for weight loss. Fat Burner 2000 claims that by placing your phone six inches above your belly button and letting it vibrate for a few hours, you will lose weight while watching Bad Girls Club and eating Italian pastries. It must have been a typo; this app, which does nothing but vibrate, is clearly intended for the area six inches below the belly button. Just don’t get it all slimy, you pervert.

     

    Shelf Look

    shelflook rotating title app

    If you visit the bookstore wearing a neck brace, the new phone app ShelfLook will save you the trouble of having to rotate your entire torso sideways to read book titles. As you point your phone at the shelves, ShelfLook uses realtime video to rotate the image so you can do three things:

    1) Read horizontally displayed titles.

    2) Neglect the real world entirely, never taking your eyes off your screen.

    3) Look like a total douchebag who is also extremely lazy.
    And honestly, I might use this if it weren’t for numbers two and three. Sometimes I like to give my eyes a break from atrophying and remind them that there’s a whole 3D world out there.

     
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