Four Reasons Why the Hostess Crisis Is Stupid

    December 4, 2012 at 4:30 am

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    We have more than four reasons why the Hostess crisis is stupid, but we narrowed them down to these: The Hostess ‘crisis’ is absurd, and so is the attention it’s getting. The baker’s union went on strike, Hostess went bankrupt, and a lot of people are acting like they’re being deprived of clean drinking water over it. If a wholly irrelevant company moans a fake death cry in the middle of the (American) woods, do its sales go up tenfold?

    That Shit is Poison

    Weird Twinkie Ingredients

    Mmm, high fructose corn syrup, yellow 5 and red 40. Chemically modified starches, soy lecithin, and animal shortening. What the hell is animal shortening? You don’t want to know, but I’ll tell you anyway: it’s pig lard or cow suet. Pig fat used to make lard comes from the fat surrounding the animal’s digestive organs. Cow suet is is found surrounding the loins and kidneys of the animal. The Hostess crisis is stupid, and it’s also totally gross.

    Twinkies also contain:

    – Beef fat.
    – A bunch of different, variously modified ingredients derived from soy, which is known to contain natural toxins that cause blood clots and other health issues.
    – Sodium Caseinate, a milk protein that can cause kidney malfunctions and blood pressure issues if consumed in large amounts
    – Mono diglycerides, which are just chemical food additives used to force fat and water to play nice with one another.
    – Polysorbate 60, a chemical also used in many makeup products.
    – Natural and artificial flavors, whatever that means. We literally have no idea.


    What a Distraction From Things That Matter

    Twinkie Shopping

    Not that we have to be all serious all the time, but what difference does it really make if Twinkies aren’t around anymore? Or Wonderbread? Really? It’s a fucking loaf of bread. Sure, it comes with a cute picture on its package. But are Americans really so stupid as to legitimately care about the existence of a chemical-filled “food” product that literally contains wood pulp (cellulose)?

    The answer is yes. Since the news emerged, whining about Twinkie Death has been inescapable. Facebook, Instagram, and even real-life interactions are peppered with “Dude did you hear about Twinkies?” And “Look at me I just bought a box of Twinkies because DID YOU HEAR ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO TWINKIES?!”

    Meanwhile, corporations are trying to take over your internet and your news sources, water has been found on Jupiter, the US soldier in the WikiLeaks case was imprisoned in a cage and almost driven to suicide, some billionaire is trying to build a colony of people on Mars, new species are being found in the ocean every day, ancient caves are being discovered, the Syrian government is attacking its own people. and there are simply a lot of things happening which are more important or just blatantly more interesting than the fate of fucking Twinkies.


    Hostess is Going to be Bought Up Anyway

    Hostess Strike

    Nothing has “happened” to Twinkies. The only thing that’s “happened” at all is that 15,000 are people facing unemployment because of the company’s inability to settle on workers’ issues presented during the baker’s union strike. Twinkies aren’t suffering, and neither are the CEOs and “high-end managers” who are trying to finagle giant bonuses despite the thousands who are suffering as a result of this debacle. And the fact that Hostess has declared bankruptcy.

    Hostess is currently in talks with about 110 potential buyers. The brand is probably not going anywhere, especially since so many people are freaking out about it, because that translates to “$$$$$” and lots of cash register sounds to those at the top of the Hostess pyramid.


    You Can Just Make Your Own


    We even have our own Twinkie recipe. It may not be exactly the same aesthetically or come in a shrink-wrapped package that says “Twinkies,” but not to worry: the result will taste the same and make you just as fat. God forbid you choose to use organic ingredients that don’t include spoonfuls of cancerous chemicals and the fat from a pig’s infected asshole. Just kidding; there is no God. But if there were, he would definitely not give a single shit about Twinkies and Wonder Bread.


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