• by Evan Hoovler
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November 20, 2012 at 6:56 am

1. Toss turkey in a hot tub. Baste yourself in olive oil, then sit in the tub for 3 hours

2. Put turkey in oven for four hours or until it stops screaming, whichever comes first

3. Heat mouth to an internal temperature of 500 degrees, then eat turkey raw

4. Hunt your turkey with a flamethrower

5. Grab a pre-microwaved turkey from Three Mile Island

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