5 Porn Fan Fiction Stories to Give You Nightmares

 
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    November 20, 2012 at 4:00 am

    There’s nothing to ruin your happy memories of childhood like a Cheeto-crusted man’s inappropriately sexual fan fiction featuring Sonic the Hedgehog’s boner or some other innocent cartoon you once loved. It’s ironic how most of the people who write this fan fiction seem terribly unfit for actual sexual relations. Here are five awful, pornographic fan fictions that we really found on the interwebs. Disclaimer: You will deeply regret reading past this point:

    Sonic’s Birthday Sex

    Sonic

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8207985/1/Birthday-Sex

    Sonic is depressed because his birthday is coming up and the girl he wants to bone, a long-lost childhood friend named Amy Rose, hasn’t been seen in 15 years. But he must be both stupid and lazy since his friends Rouge and Cream track down this girl with “[eyes] like granny green apples that’s ripe” using Google.

    They find her, a waitress with a “British accent-voice,” and a few mangled paragraphs later she arrives at Sonic’s place for his birthday.

    “When they sepreated, a small trail of saliva was the only thing to prove they kissed.”

    Sonic’s friends creepily watch from the doorway and scream at him to use a cartoon-condom. The author kind of pulls you out of it when he notes “LEMON! LEMON! IF NOT 16+ GET OUT OR GO TO ENDING!”

    Soon, “she grabbed his member and lick the tip.” Sonic wants to know why she’s so good at blowing him and she credits watching television. Her vagina is referred to as “her entrance” and Sonic is soon “slamming into her” and “taking away her sweet innocent.”

    The horror soon ends and the author eloquently notes that the sexy part of his story was rushed, but wants those who didn’t like it to know that “f*ck you.”

    You’re welcome.

     

    The Lion King

    lion

    http://www.eskimo.com/~vecna/pride.htm

    Thanks to someone named Christine Morgan, the world now has access to all the uncensored, adult scenes of The Lion King that didn’t make it on screen. This includes a scene that explains how Scar became Scar, in which he attempts to rape Mufasa’s wife and gets bitch-slapped across the face lion style.

    Mufasa finally dies and Scar is left to rule the pride. Although he wants another chance at raping Sarabi, he’s too scared and decides to pedo-lion his cub niece, Nala, instead. However, Scar turns out to be a pretty crappy rapist. He can’t even overpower his young relative, who beats him into unconsciousness and flees into the wilderness where she stumbles upon her brother Simba, who is thought to be dead.

    At this point, you’re most likely assuming that things are going to get as gross as possible. And you’re right, because Nala engages in incestual sexy time with Simba. Morgan is clearly not educated on her lion sex, however, because she describes the event to be “like a sunrise” instead of “like a horrifically painful barbed wire penis tearing apart her insides” which would have been closer to reality.

    If you’re a glutton for trauma, there’s a whole darn directory of “The hot Lionsex Hetro Sex” between the various characters of the Lion King here.

    Rainbow Brite

    Rainbow

    http://cartoon.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=600093185

    Horse rape. That pretty much sums it up. Evil Zombo kidnaps Starlite, Rainbow Brite’s horse, and laughs maniacally as he anally rapes the horse with his three balls and shoots smelly, oily slime all over the place.

    “Starlite tried to numb himself to not only the pain of his asshole being violated, but to violation of his spirit. He tried repeating to himself I am the most magnificent horse in the universe. I am the most magnif…, but the arrhythmic slapping of Zombo’s greasy testicles consistently broke him out of his reverie.”

    This is a real thing. What was the author’s childhood like? What is his or her parents like? Where does this person live? What kind of job does this person have, if any? These questions burn in my mind just like the penis of Zombo inside poor Starlite’s “violated rectum.”

     

    Aqua Teen Hunger Force

    meatwad-1

    http://cartoon.adultfanfiction.net/story.php?no=5572

    This is a relatively new show, but I just can’t help myself. We all know about bronies and furries and other types of -ies who enjoy anthropomorphic pornography. Bizarre as it is to most of us, it’s nothing new. But Meatwad getting Meat-wadded? My brain is coming out of my ears.

    In “A Fry to Remember,” Frylock explains to Meatwad that he’s just so innocent and childlike, which is creepily and coincidentally what he loves about the little ball of arsenic-soaked meat.

    “He could count every one of Meatwad’s long, dark eyelashes from here, see every little chunk of onion.”

    They admit having weird boners for each other and begin making out. We discover that Meatwad is a virgin, but only until Fry “[presses] a fry into Meatwad’s round, squashy body.”

    They unite in a “sweaty, greasy mess” and I both hope and think that this one is not as depressingly real as the rest of these little horrors I’ve been poring through.

     

    Invader Zim

    zim

    http://cartoon.adultfanfiction.net/main.php?list=1884

    There are 190 adult-themed fan fictions for Invader Zim on Adultfanfiction.net. I know nothing about this show, but I do know that the fan fiction writers are pretty angsty; most of them are noted for including “torture,” “humiliation,” “death,” and, of course, “angst.”

    Chapter one of “Dib is Sick” is mysteriously titled “Gay?” and involves Dib realizing that he is super homo for Zim. Deliverance gets right to the point and has Dib straight up raping a sobbing, pleading Zim. And let’s not forget the time “Professor Membrane finds out that Dib is in a homosexual relationship and he doesn’t like it.”

    So there you have it. We hope to quell the onslaught of “erotic” fan fiction before we get too big and people start writing dirty stories starring us. Just kidding, we love it and write them all the time.

     

     
    About the Author
    I started writing when I was .05. I have a dog named Cody. And a cat named Catty. I have other cats but they aren't important. I run www.ForkParty.com. Follow me on Twitter @Important
     
     
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