5 Reasons the Entire Country Will Soon be Fat

    November 13, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Fat eagle

    Over 72.5 million obese mounds of flesh are struggling to breathe at this very moment. They waddle through the streets, roll through WalMart on their electric scooters and physically mesh into the fabric of their couches. Unemployment is high, fast food is cheap and transportation to the park or vegetable market pretty much sucks. Welcome to America, y’all; the fattest country in the entire world. Here are five reasons that there’s no end in sight to what is becoming the home of the fat and the laze.

    Obesity as a Disability

    apple pie

    Despite much objection, the idea of obesity as a disability is becoming more and more commonplace in America and around the world. The US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has previously recognized “basic obesity” as a disability in a few cases of fat people suing their employees after getting fired for being too goddamn fat to function at their jobs. Let me repeat that for you. Fat person can’t do job they are hired to do, is consequently fired for inability to perform tasks they are getting paid money dollars to perform. Fat person sues company, inadvertently blaming them for their own fatness. EEOC acts as an enabling parent by condoning this, standing behind the dejected person and nodding in approval as they eat chocolate-covered ice cream through an oxygen mask. In a wheelchair. Fused to a couch.

    The Fast Food Circle of Life

    Monster Thickburger

    Picture this: You’re broke as hell. You have two kids to feed and your husband just got laid off his job at whatever large company takes up most of the space in your small town. Unemployment is only helping so much; between clothing your family, paying rent and utilities, job hunting, and feeding everyone, shit is tight. Like, dollar menu tight. There’s a fast food joint right down the road that will feed all of you for about $10 a meal. That’s a sandwich AND a drink for each of you, all at a fraction of both the cost and effort of trekking down to the grocery town located a few miles into town. Many poor families are unable to afford a car, car insurance, or gas, and public transportation in the middle of nowhere is about as good as Days of Our Lives. As long as the capital of this country is McDonald’s, fast food restaurants will remain the most readily available to many poor families living in “the middle of nowhere” — which most of us living in large cities fail to realize is the majority of the nation.

    No One Cares

    Baseball fattie

    Do you care about that last paragraph up there? Didn’t think so. People care so little about this issue that many low-income neighborhoods in the country don’t even have access to full-service grocery stores and farmers’ markets, making healthy eating next to impossible even if it were desired. In these neglected areas of our great country, corner stores and local convenience stores are sometimes the only ‘healthy’ option available — and leave a lot to be desired, as they are more expensive than a grocery would be and contain a much smaller variety of choices.

    Zoo Size Scales in Hospitals

    horse scale

    We livin’ like am-in-als now. No, seriously. Some hospitals have to refer their obese patients to the local zoo, since hospital scales are not equipped to deal with the fatty fatness of fatties flooding them with their gross and predictable health issues. Since some zoos refuse to accommodate these ridiculous requests, some hospitals are even considering installing these scales, which are intended for beasts such as horses, elephants, and now Americans (although this is happening in other countries as well).

    It Lives!

    mcdonals kids

    Obesity rates are going up. Fat people fight for fat rights and then breed, creating fat kids who develop diabetes and a slew of other fat-related health problems before the age of 10. Honey Boo Boo is an international celebrity for nothing other than being a chubby retard. The girl has serious learning disabilities, but everyone is too entertained by her stupidity to see the ominous, foreshadowing cloud of lard looming above the heads of herself and her equally fat mother. Diet plans focus on a combination of the wrong things: counting calories (but processed foods are totally fine), portion control (that high-fructose corn syrup cake is okay if you only eat a little bit at a time), and gimmicks (cut your food up into small pieces so you feel like you’re eating more!). When no one seems to understand the cyclical issue of healthy food availability coupled with the health problems that processed, chemical-soaked foods create regardless of ration or type, we’re not only living in a country that completely enables obesity — we encourage it. Dun, dun, dun.









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