5 Types of Creeps on OkCupid

 
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    November 12, 2012 at 4:30 am

    These creeps need dates like oxygen to survive. Study up, so we can all collectively starve them off of our Internet and maybe GYVS from a normal person for a change:

    The Neg-ger

    Mystery

    First of all, let us state that “Negger” is NOT our term. Negging is a term coined by the bafflingly unattractive creature who has douchily named himself Mystery. He hosts a reality show teaching awkward nerds how to pick up girls and hopefully put their penis in a vagina for once in their lives. From beneath a tophat, loads of cheap jewelry from Hot Topic and a face full of eyeliner, he explains that Negging is the “coy” act of subtly insulting a girl in a joking manner, such as that she’ll want to defend herself in the same jovial manner to keep her honor intact without letting you know that you’re a total dick and she is in fact pretty mad about what you said.

    ok cupid negging
    In all fairness, it’s on his resume too

    Unless the girl actually likes you and your joke is genuinely funny, this doesn’t work. This doesn’t work at all. It’s transparent, annoying, and makes the neg-ger look like the insecure little shit he actually is. The neg-ger will send a message saying something like “Wow, you seem pretty crazy” or, “I really hate this thing you listed as one of your interests, so I’m not sure we’d get along.” Then why are they bothering to message you? Because they secretly admire you and are afraid to admit it, so shallow insults are the go-to tactics of these buzzing little flies.

    The Wanna-Fuck

    threesome
    We know this isn’t you. You’re so ugly you apparently can’t even give it away at twice the volume

    That’s all you get, in one form or another. Common messages include but are not limited to:”Hey, wanna fuck?” ”Let’s smoke weed and fuck.” ”I bet you’d look really good sitting on my dick.” ”Wanna get together and have some fun? Your bed or mine.”

    smoke a bowl
    This guy has the world’s greatest aphrodisiac, illegal drugs, but still can’t get laid

     

     

    The vulgarity goes on and on. The possibilities are endless, but the answer is always no. Is the crass, tactless weirdo-stranger on the internet ever surprised by this rejection? Unless you don’t reject them, which is weird and good luck not getting dismembered and kept as various meals in their freezer.

    Persistent Stalker

    creeper
    “I see dead people. And it turns me on”

    This guy will not relent. Messages may come once every few weeks, once a week, or even once every few days. You have not answered a single one, but they are one of those awful pitbulls bred specifically for fighting — angry, fixated on the kill, and giving their breed a bad name. Since OkCupid lists those who have visited your profile (unless you’re desperate enough to pay for an “A-List” membership), the persistent stalker will probably bring up the fact that you’ve repeatedly viewed them. They want to know why you haven’t responded, without realizing that you’re sitting around drunk with your friends saying “Dude, check this really creepy guy out.”

    Let us refer to oldguy.jpeg:

    oldguy
    If you wear your wedding ring on your other ring finger, it totally doesn’t count

    That guy messaged me once every three or four days for months. Months. He tried everything, from neg-ging (“You look like a crazy bitch with issues; I like that”) to “wanna-fuck?”-ing to begging me to meet him, to repeatedly bragging about being a published author. After months of ignoring this dude, I finally responded out of curiosity to ask him what his published works were like. He asked me to engage in a threesome with himself and his girlfriend. I said that it would never happen. He asked me why. I told him he was too old for me. He said “I’ve fucked much hotter women than you.”

     

    Novella Penner

    poem

    Shut up. Seriously just shut up. You did not even read this guy’s whole message because it spans two or more pages and the wall of text is creeping you out before reading the first sentence. It doesn’t matter what this person is saying. They instantly present themselves as a sociopathic lunatic who can pontificate on their love for Phil Collins for however many chapters and want you to know their entire life story as your very first non-interaction. Their profile is most likely even longer. Their ‘name six things they can’t live without’ includes at least eight or nine because, gosh, they just couldn’t help it — how could they live with only six?! And then a few paragraphs for each.

    Single Ab Shot

    ab shot

    It doesn’t matter what this guy’s message said because his only picture is a close-up Photobooth image of his abs in a dark room. Why doesn’t he want you to know what his face looks like? Why is it necessary to show people that he does indeed possess abs? Is he overcompensating? This type of peacocking is incredibly shallow, but let’s be real — you don’t really care about that. You just want to see his face so you can equally shallowly decide whether he’s worth responding to. Because that’s all this site is for. Judging people and trying to hook up with those who simply look cute.

     
    About the Author
    I started writing when I was .05. I have a dog named Cody. And a cat named Catty. I have other cats but they aren't important. I run www.ForkParty.com. Follow me on Twitter @Important
     
     
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