EgoTV Goes To an Amateur Cat Show

 
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    November 8, 2012 at 4:30 am

    cat show

    by Drew Villano

    I went to a cat show. It was entirely an accident. I was driving to some trailer park BBQ in the backwoods of Pennsylvania when I found a crappy handwritten show that said CAT SHOW with a scribbly arrow pointing to the area behind Home Depot.It was ten dollars and well worth it. Although I have only been to one cat show, I think it’s safe to assume that the following five types can be found at every single one across the country:

    Crazy Breeder

    These people run the entire show and are the most obvious type of person who would of course litter the place like the cats themselves. Obsessed with their somewhat inhumane hobby, these people can take what looks like a normal house cat and point out why it’s “more perfect” than another nearly identical feline. The ears on this one are, like, totally an eighth of an inch shorter than the other cat’s ears so it sells for $1500 instead of just $1000 and she has forty more at home, all of which she wants to sell to you immediately.

     

    Lonely Old Lady

    This woman has a different set of issues than the crazy breeder. She is not maniacally enthusiastic about the slight differences from one cat to the next, but breeds and sells her precious furries for two different reasons: money and company. Her cats are literally her babies. She’s all alone but for these animals who, when in army-worthy numbers, can smell like absolute death. But not in her house, since she has nothing better to do than spend most of her time cleaning up and looking after all of the cats. She probably has thirty boxes of cute cat pictures stored in her basement, unchartered memes waiting to happen. This is a completely accurate description of a woman I actually met and although she was incredibly nice and had the friendliest, happiest cat I ever had the honor of petting, she was also very sad.

     

    Angry Obsessor

    cat lady

    This lady hates everything. She loves her cats almost angrily, and brings them to the show so she can guard them from the rest of the vermin in an unnecessarily aggressive manner. I made the mistake of touching this woman’s cats. They were rubbing their faces on my hand, desperate for attention and miserable in the dark smelly room few of mewing cages. She screamed at me for a good ten minutes why I shouldn’t just touch people’s cats because they can catch a disease from other cats and why am I touching her cats and what if they bite me? After apologizing, she explained that she had kissed her cat on the eye and given it an infection. Looking at the cat’s eye, this statement held up to be true.  It was blue and full of pus. I don’t know what freaked me out more; her yelling or the fact that her filthy mouth almost blinded her cat.

     

    Weirded out Wanderer

    freaked out dog person

    Then there was me. After the verbal abuse I took from the angry obsessor, I was cowering through the rest of the show. Old ladies pulled at the bodies and faces of cats tied to a pole on the show examination table. People offered their cats for sale. Angry mewing filled my ears. A weird old fat lady sat propped up against the wall in an all-pink outfit and a respirator pumping oxygen into her unmoving face. I left feeling like I had just stumbled into a crappier, less exciting version of the party from Eyes Wide Shut.

     
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