Top 5 Little-Known New Features of the Apple iPhone 5
1. Steve Jobs “Foolproof” app cures cancer using just your phone
2. Instead of saying “I don’t understand,” Siri assumes you want pictures of gay porn
3. Wallpaper is a picture of the underage orphan who assembled the phone, to promote feelings of superiority
4. Every time you try to run Java it shocks you as a friendly, Pavlovian reminder
5. Free monitoring by the federal government and (we assume) really bored aliens
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