5 Reasons Burning Man Is Not as Cool as You Think

    August 29, 2012 at 6:05 am

    burning man lame
    Call us old-fashioned, but in our day a handful of drugs and $350 was enough to have a good time without also needing to drive hundreds of miles into the desert. Also, in our day, a large group of people paying a fee to get together en masse for partying and sex was called a “frat party.” With that in mind, we took a look at burning man and decided it may not be the mecca of free art and thought it purports to be:

    1. Burning Man is Hard on the Environment

    The leave-no-trace philosophy of Burning Man is noble indeed, and their ability to clean up after themselves deserves commendation. However, achieving the zero-carbon-footprint ideal is difficult when one arrives at the utopia in a carbon-belching whale of a car.

    burning man rvs
    Estimates say Burning Man 2006 put about 27,000 tons of greenhouse gas emissions into the air. Over half of this came from cars traveling to and from the desert. By contrast, Burning Man erected giant, permanent solar arrays which offset a few hundred tons of carbon per year.

    Just a few hundred more of these. Maybe cover that forest over there

    2. Ugly, Naked People

    Have you ever been to a sex club or a nudist camp? The words themselves conjure up images of hot naked people. In reality, these places are mainly populated with fat old pervs waiting around for someone resembling the opposite sex to wander in so they can paw at them and do weird stuff. Comedy bloggers frequently rant about how awkward the naked ugly people make the entire ceremony.

    Now, we’ve never been, so the mentality of “OMG there’s so many fat naked hairy hippies out there” surely will win us no argument points. But frankly, almost everyone is pretty disgustingly ugly, naked, so any naked people might give us one of those painful inward boners we get when we are not turned on.

    3. Worst Weather, Ever

    dust storm
    Camping under the stars is definitely not on the agenda at Burning Man, where street-clearing dust storms are a common occurence. In addition, there has been rain, hail, and when that’s not happening there’s the usual 120-degree, clear, scorching skies.


    It’s okay, though, as long as you follow the EgoTV-tested method of “be so damn high you don’t know what the weather is.” Not unlike these people, whose lungs no doubt have more silica in them than a 60-year-old coal miner:


    4. You Might Die and No One Will Notice

    Well, you’d notice, of course. A man hung himself from his two story tent. His dead body swung there for two hours because his friends thought he was doing an art piece. Which he was, if you believe in method acting.


    5. It’s an Artistic Circle Jerk


    Ask someone what’s so great about burning man and they will inevitably point you towards all the art. There are a lot of creative projects going on , although there articstic merit is to be debated.

    First up are the so-called “Mutant Vehicles. Cars made to look like art are regulated at Burning Man.

    truck 1
    skull car

    dragon car

    If someone is arguing that creative cars driving around in the dirt and dust qualify as “art exhibits,” then we suggest they get front row tickets to the masterpiece of the mind that is a monster truck rally.

    But people like us don’t go to Burning Man. Critics aren’t welcome, it’s a place where people can act however they want. Do anything- the possibilities are endless and the repercussions are minimal… Except burning down the Burning Man statue early. which will land you in jail for 2 years.

    You ever go to one of those parts of the Internet, like the TV Tropes forums, where the standard policy is that everyone likes everyone else’s creative work? That’s what Burning Man feels like to us: Art made without the challenge of cross-appeal, art that is only displayed to people expecting to see good art and love it. Screw that, art should hurt. Well, it shouldn’t hurt the eyes like these pieces:

    white house plane

    wire people

    bike arch

    You know what? That last one is probably wicked awesome on psychedelics. Plus no ugly naked people in the shot, score one for Burning Man. We’re still not going.



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