Top 5 Reasons Sharon Osbourne Quit `America’s Got Talent’
1. Having screened every American, she is no longer convinced they have any talent
2. Suddenly realized the deep irony of starring on a show about talent
3. Censors wouldn’t let her drunkenly cuss out bad contestants
4. Wants to devote more time to winning the Activa Competitive Yogurt Eating/Pooping championships
5. Investigators discovered the shocking truth that she is not American
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