• by Evan Hoovler
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June 1, 2012 at 9:14 am

Full story, here.

1. No longer insulated by layers of flab and carbs, half of New Yorkers freeze to death

2. McDonalds has multiple heart attack victims from extremely obese people trying to get up and refill their small soda for the 5th time

3. Deprived of their only vice, the Mormon population of New York takes arms and declares a holy war

4. Hospitals overwhelmed with patients passing kidney stones from too many gallon-sized Diet Cokes

5. Every doorway in New York needs to be raised one foot after next generation of New Yorkers no longer suffers from stunted growth

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