Top 5 Other Acts of Misconduct That John Edwards Tried To Cover Up
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1. During 2004 election, attempted to cut off John Kerry’s face and attach it to his own skull
2. Affairs were only to procreate, as he needs to sacrifice a baby to keep his skin so wrinkle-free
3. Set up a bounty system with the New Orleans Saints, rewarding players for tackling his political opponents. Bonuses were awarded if the tackle somehow gave his opponent cancer.
4. Spent most campaign contributions wandering around Illinois trying to bribe voters
5. Attempted to genetically engineer sea monkeys with human DNA to create scores of eligible voters
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