Top 5 Things We Would’ve Learned from Watching the American Idol Final
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(Had we actually watched it.)
1. Winner Phillip Phillips has not yet obtained a lucrative and effortless screwdriver endorsement deal
2. Winner Phillip Phillips parents were obviously from such humble roots that they could not even afford a baby name book
3. Perpetual host Randy Jackson must still owe someone a lot of money, as he’s still on the show
4. Despite finishing its 11th season, the show has never had an animated contestant
5. There are actually performers in the entertainment industry who aren’t drunk, on drugs, or crazy: They’re called 16-year-olds
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