Your Guide to this Summer’s Hottest Movies

 
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    May 1, 2012 at 6:00 am

    Your Guide to this Summer’s Hottest Movies

    by Gloomy, the alcoholic Smurf.

    Gloomy here.

    My probation officer recommended I attempt to release some of my anger through writing, since I enjoy penning so many death threats to my fellow Smurfs. Rather than risk another two days of maximum Smurf punishment (Smurfberries shoved up your nose), I’ve decided to try some more lighthearted pieces.

    Summer’s here, and the Olympics are taking over your TV. That means two weeks of desperately trying to find something to do outside of the house. For me, that’s fourteen days of trying desperately to avoid our simultaneous Smurf Olympics. Usually, I grab a case or two of Grandpa Smurf’s Extra-IPA homebrew and hole up in the movies, desperately trying to escape the pain of Smurfette leaving me and movie the kids across country, desparately. But I ramble. Let’s talk about the hottest movies coming out this summer, because I have already seen all of them.

    The Dark Knight Rises

    Dark Knight Rises

    Although I attended a sneak preview screening of this highly-anticipated film, I was distracted. The film’s title is exactly the phrase I used to woo Smurfette on our honeymoon night, so I spent the entire film weeping silently into my popcorn. I don’t know why I always ask for unsalted popcorn, by the end of the movie the kernels are inevitably soaked with my salty tears.

    Rating: Smurf (scale goes from Smurf (low) to Smurf (high)

     

    The Avengers

    Avengers

    I don’t know why people go so nuts for Superhero films like The Avengers. All they do is remind me that my only superpowers are being incredibly short and having skin colored syphilitic blue. I do empathize with Robert Downey, Jr, however, so I decided to actually pay attention for some of The Avengers. How come I can’t get it together, and make the leap to live-action like Tony Stark? Maybe I should get kidnapped or stick some metal in my heart. I think about those things kind of obsessively, sometimes I just want to slowly end it all and watch the world fade to black like a film theater right before the movie. I also liked Hulk’s slapstick, it made me giggle like a schoolsmurf.

    Rating: Smurf

     

    Dark Shadows

    Dark Shadows

    Tim Burton’s send-up of the zany supernatural soap opera touched me in a special place. Johnny Depp as the vampire outcast made me think about my life as the only heterosexual smurf. Not too mention he has endured and survived the clutch of death. Maybe when I die, I’ll become a vampire. Can vampires drink hard liquor?

    Rating: Smurf

    In all, this summer’s film fare is reminiscent of the time I sold my body to Gargamel in exchange for a handle of Cutty Sark. Right before I was turned into gold, Papa Smurf rescued me, making me look like a total liar. To make things worse, the Bank of Smurf (run by Papa Smurf) won’t give me any credit because of this black mark on my record. What was my main point, again? I’m so alone

     
     
     
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