Top 5 Reasons Newt Gingrich Is Dropping out of the Presidential Race
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1. Afraid research into his birth certificate will reveal that he’s actually a 5,000-year-old alien with very poor human assimilation abilities
2. Realized being president would prevent him from landing lucrative contracts endorsing erection pills
3. Realizes he can make a lot more money under Mitt Romney’s tax plan
4. No momentum for his push to teach all schoolchildren how to speak with a rich southern drawl.
5. Plan to boost popularity by drugging and marrying a Kardashian foiled by his current wife
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