10 Exotic Pets Only An Idiot Would Own

 
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    February 1, 2012 at 5:47 am

    Owning pets can be one of the most satisfying, rewarding experiences life has to offer. But to some people, owning a “boring” dog or been-there-done-that cat isn’t satisfaction enough.  For these types of people, only a “look at me” exotic pet will do. But there’s more to keeping an exotic pet than just announcing to the world that you’re desperately starved for attention. With that in mind, we bring you a list of exotic pets only an idiot would own.

    Madagascar Hissing Cockroach

    madagascar hissing cockroachFor most of the world, interaction with a cockroach involves little more than an introduction to the bottom of their shoe. Not so for pest owners of the Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. They’ll proudly show off how much they enjoy having one of the largest species of cockroach (2–4 inches at maturity) crawl all over their person. Never mind that since these bugs actually don’t like being handled, they often release a defense mechanism fluid which can stain human skin.

    Bonus Idiot Points:
    Looking for pest on pest action? The abdomen of a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach often plays host to parasitic mites.

    Gambian Pouched Rat

    No matter how many times we’ve seen Ratatouille, we can’t wrap ourselves the idea that rats are cute, cuddly creatures worthy of our affection. And this is especially true if they are the super-sized variety, like the 3ft long (including tail) African Gambian Pouched Rat. If the thought of an over-sized giant rat scampering around your home doesn’t turn you off,  how about the fact that Gambian Pouched Rats are believed to be responsible for the current outbreak of monkeypox in the United States. 

    Bonus Idiot Points:
    If your pet gets loose they’ll most likely turn up on the internet in trophy shots featuring  maintenance workers who’ve done battle with the beasts.

    Burmese Python

    Do you feel size  is extremely important?  If so, you may want to consider the Burmese Python.  One of the largest snakes in the world, these over-sized constrictors grow quickly (sometimes 7 ft in one year) and with the proper care can reach a length of 19ft at adulthood.  The internet is rife with tales of idiots who learned the hard way that these slithering reptiles don’t discriminate when it comes to their food source.

    Bonus Idiot Points: Thanks to their prolific breeding habits and adaptive nature, pet pythons released in the wild are a huge problem.  It’s estimated that 30,000 of these giant non-indigenous snakes roam freely throughout Florida looking for their next meal.

    Ferrets

    If you’re not the type of person who’s put off by living in a foul smelling home, a ferret just might be the pet for you. A distant relative to the skunk, ferrets also have anal scent glands located at the base of their tale that can be activated at will. You can have these glands removed, but even after descenting, the pungent aroma from their urine and feces will permeate the environment.

    Bonus Idiot Points: Allow a ferret access to a small child, and you may end up with a kid who will never know the joys of sinking a jump shot.

    Tarantulas

    Charlotte’s Web aside, can we just go on record and say we have a hard time thinking of a spider as friendly companion?  Especially ones with fangs that they are more than willing to use on their owners. Since Tarantulas dislike being handled there’s a good chance that the average tarantula owner will not only end up with a nasty bite, but also some kind of disgusting skin rash.  In addition to sinking fangs, tarantulas defend themselves by flicking tiny, irritating bristles called urticating hairs.  These mini-hair balls can cause irritation for a few hours or a few days.

    Bonus Idiot Points: This defense mechanism can be particularly problematic when they flick barbed hairs into a person’s eyes, as surgery is needed to remove them. So experts advise “do not open a cage and look at a spider directly.” That’s a pretty cool attribute for a pet to have, right?

    Fennec Fox

    Sure, they are adorable in a kind of a furry yoda-like way, but the Fennec Fox is another very stinky pet.  Much like a ferret, they let off a sharp, musky odor from the scent gland located on the tip of their tail when frightened or excited.

    Bonus Idiot Points: While they will occasionally use a litter box, the general consensus is that they can never be completely litter trained. Pet owners can expected to be treated to daily adorable fox dumps around the home. Enjoy that.

    Iguana

    If you are looking for a pet that will keep you on your toes, an Iguana might be right for you. Even seemingly tame iguanas have been known to become aggressive in an instant and turn on their owners for no known reason. You should also be prepared for aerial attacks from your pet. With a jumping range of several feet, it’s common for iguanas to leap at you using teeth, razor sharp claws and devastating whip-like tail to inflict damage.

    Bonus Idiot Points: During their mating season, male iguanas become extremely aggressive toward human females. They’ve been known to chase females great distances in the hopes of clamping down on them with their jaws. Once they get you or your mom/sister/wife/girlfriend, they’ll continue biting down with sharp teeth while they hump away.

    Slow Loris

    After videos of the Slow Loris looking ridiculously adorable surfaced on you tube, interest in acquiring them as pets began to skyrocket.  Yes, they’re incredibly cute, but the slow loris happens to be the world’s only poisonous primate. The slow loris uses its very sharp canine teeth to extract a foul smelling venom that it excretes from it’s elbows. It then mixes this toxic cocktail around in its mouth before delivering a poisonous bite. So it sucks poison out of its elbows, then swishes it around and bites you with it. Gross.

    Bonus Idiot Points: Thanks to his sloth like gate, he’s an easy target for poachers in his native Southeast Asia. When illegal traders catch them to sell, they remove the poor creatures’ teeth with wire cutters. If your conscience can handle this, you can add cruelty points to your idiot bonus.

    Raccoon

    raccoonYou might be surprised to learn that some people keep raccoons, those mischievous garbage pickers, as pets. Sure they look cute, but these masked scavengers are also one of the primary carriers of rabies in the wild. They won’t think twice about attacking you or destroying your home with their razor sharp teeth and claws.

    Bonus Idiot Points: Even if it’s been raised since birth by humans, a raccoon will grow up to be fairly aggressive and unpredictable.  A father learned this the hard way after his baby daughter was attacked by raccoons that had been raised as pets and bottle-fed.

    Chimpanzee

    Chimpanzees make great companions if you’re a free spirited trucker like BJ, but for the rest of us, not so much.  A wide range of diseases can be passed from chimpanzee to humans. Not bothered by infectious disease? OK, how about the fact that chimps are extremely messy and destructive? They can’t be effectively toilet trained, mostly because flinging feces is one their favorite activities.

    Bonus Idiot Points: If you’ve read this story and seen these truly NSFL (not safe for lunch) images and still think a chimp would make a great pet, congratulations, you receive all the bonus idiot points ever.

     

     
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    3 Comments
    1. Boffo Yocks says:

      Everyone keeps calling the author ‘dude’ and ‘faggot’ and such, but I think this ‘he’ is actually a ‘she’ (‘Diana’ seems like a girls name, to me)…? Maybe Brian Posehn is secretly posting here.
      It’s also possible people misread and think that the article was actually written by DANE Cook, in which case, the insults are totally justified.

    2. That’s an interesting thought from Theron, i might considering having a ferret too. Some people are ranting about the other pets, maybe a little research though ;)

     
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