How To Be A Foodie

 
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    November 3, 2011 at 5:54 am

    Foodie (n): someone who has a refined interest in food. In non-dictionary terms, that means someone who loves food a lot. So why would you want to become a foodie? Either through boredom or our insane abundance of food in America, eating has become a hobby, and being a foodie has become cool. Since being cool is pretty much everyone’s goal in life, becoming a foodie is a great way to fulfill that emptiness while also satisfying your hunger. Since becoming a real foodie would take years of studying and taste testing, we have put together a list of steps that will serve as a short cut to becoming a foodie with little to no effort!

    Watch as Much Food Network as Possible

    This is the best way to start becoming a foodie. Not only will you pick up on the vast amount of lingo used in the cooking world, you will also get to know who all the famous chefs are. These are both key, because knowing the language will allow you to fit in and impress other people. Also, familiarizing yourself with famous and even lesser-known chefs will be a great way to suggest restaurants based on the name on the menu.

    Always Order the Strangest Thing on the Menu

    Whether you are at the most fancy restaurant or a greasy spoon diner, always order the strangest thing on the menu. Does that mean you are going to be eating a lot of cow brains or goat hearts? Yes. Does that also mean you will get instant prestige at whatever table you are sitting? Absolutely. Other restaurant tips include only going to places your friends have never heard of. Take pictures of everything you eat. Finally, whenever anyone asks how your weird food tastes, use your food network lingo and always include the term “earthy”, that always sounds impressive.

    Only Shop for Groceries at Farmers’ Markets

    To be a true foodie, you are going to have to adopt a very arrogant attitude toward the food you put in your body. This includes anything you eat at home. This means you are not only going to look down on what others eat and buy, but also ensure you have only the best foods in your pantry. The best way to do this is go straight to the source: the Farmers’ Market. It will also help if you constantly remind people that if you can’t meet the guy who grew it, then you don’t want to eat it.

    Drink Lots of Wine

    Drink knowledge is also a part of the foodie culture, with wine being the penultimate in foodie drinks. Never ask for just “white” wine or “red” wine. Use names like “pinot grigio” or “cabernet sauvignon” whenever ordering. If you run into a situation where the restaurant doesn’t have those, just ask for “merlot”, they will always have merlot. An added bonus to all this wine drinking: your near constant wine buzz will make eating all those weird meals much easier to swallow.

    Start Wearing an Ascot or Scarf

    This is pretty self explanatory, but in short: wearing fancy neck attire will let people know that you are classy, and it will also tell everyone sitting down to dinner with you that, whenever the food is being discussed, you are going to be a real dick about it.

     

     
     
     
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