TLC announced recently that it’s cancelling plans to renew Kate Gosselin’s reality TV show Kate Plus 8, which focuses on media attention sponge Kate Gosselin as she struggles to deal with scheduling a bunch of nannies to raise her eight babies for her while she pursues a trashy reality television career. Since we now know that cancelling shows is something that TLC is willing to do, here’s a list of 7 other shows that TLC should definitely trash for the good of humanity:
Toddlers in Tiaras
The child beauty queen phenomena is easily the creepiest, trashiest, and most morally degrading trend to sweep the airwaves in the past decade, and running this show on The Learning Channel just adds insult to injury. What are we learning from Toddlers in Tiaras, exactly? How to turn you cute baby into a terrible, egomaniacal, superficial monster? How to be the crappiest mother ever? Because that’s really not a lesson that anyone should ever think they’re “learning”. The only way Toddlers in Tiaras should be allowed to remain on the air is if it’s couple with another program called “How to Feed a Baby Heroin”, because then at least the hour of programming would have a consistent “destroying the lives of young children” theme.
I’d be lying if I said that people don’t care about tattoos, because they do. They just don’t care enough to watch a third show about some uptight douchebags working in a tattoo parlor (really, people? LA Ink and Miami Ink weren’t enough for you?). When it comes to tattoos, people are more than happy to indulge in an online photo gallery of peoples’ terrible tattoos, or maybe watch a video of a big buff dude crying while he’s getting inked. They don’t need to know the fake-dramatized personal life of the receptionist at an over-priced tattoo parlor, and they don’t care about the fabricated feud between Douchy Tattoo Artist A and Douchy Tattoo Artist B because Douchy Tattoo Artist A is totally jocking Douchy Tattoo Artist B’s clients to do touch-ups on his work. See? Just reading that sentence is boring. Why would anyone want to watch another show that’s entirely devoted to it?
19 Kids & Counting
Call me a liberal simpleton, but 19 kids seems like 17 kids too many for any modern family. In fact, I’d speculate that the only people who would actually have 19 kids are people who are trying to become famous for having way too many kids, and TLC’s decision to give those attention whore parents their own show should be considered child abuse in and of itself. Plus, who’s going to sympathize with two parents who willingly refused to utilize modern medicine to prevent their terrible lives from ever happening? If you willingly had 19 children, you have absolutely no right to complain about the cost of food, diapers, or the babysitting rates for the entire class of 7th grade girls that you have to hire every time you want to go out for another baby-making night.
When I was a little kid, the most entertaining part of my week was sitting down every Saturday morning and watching my mom cut coupons out of the newspaper for hours on end. And if that wasn’t enough quality entertainment, I got an even bigger kick out of going to the grocery store with my mom and watching her hold up the checkout line for an hour and a half because the cashier had to scan every single one of my mom’s 2000 coupons to knock that $30 off of the grocer bill. Boy, those were the good ol’ days, back when fun was fun. If only TLC could make a television show that could provide normal, non-crazy people a glimpse into the fascinating lives of people who still (for some archaic reason) rely on coupons. Oh, they’re doing that? Fantastic!
I’m really not sure why I even included this one on the list, because Big Love is a great show. There’s so much drama that comes with a life of polygomy. There are just so many fascinating and dynamic relationship issues that come into play when a man is married to more than one woman. The show has been on for a few seasons now, and they’ve barely even begun to scratch the surface of the show’s potential, so it’s great that TLC has chosen to pick it up….wait, what? This show isn’t Big Love? It’s a different show about really polygomists? Like, the ugly polygomists that they always show on the news when some creepy dude gets arrested? Well, that doesn’t sound even remotely interesting at all.
Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss
If I were making a list of Things I Never Want to Watch on Television Ever, the first thing on that list would be “Girls shopping for wedding dresses”. Then I’d go back, cross out “girls”, and change it to “Fat Girls shopping for wedding dresses”. And yet, TLC has outdone itself by creating that exact show. Say Yes to the Dress has been on TLC for a few years already, and the show has branched off into multiple “girls shopping for wedding dresses” sub-genres. What they don’t seem to realize is that nobody likes watching fat people on TV. That’s not an insult to fat people either, because even fat people don’t want to watch fat people on TV. Remember that show Mike & Molly, about the two fat people falling in love? Yeah. That didn’t work at all. Take a lesson from every other TV network ever, TLC: fat people don’t sell, no matter how pretty their special day clothes are.
Hoarding: Buried Alive
I’m not at all opposed to the show Hoarding: Buried Alive. In fact, my DVR is filled with episodes of Hoarders. I’m actually hoarding episodes of hoarders, and I love it. The reason I’m opposed to the show is because every time I watch a show, it makes me feel like a hoarder in the making. I think to myself “Oh, wow. That woman is disgusting! She has over 300 old newspapers stacked up in her dining room? She must have some sort of mental disorder. Not me, though! I keep my 300 old newspapers in a box in the closet like a normal person.” Then, as that thought echoes through my mind, I start to realize that I have a lot of junk that I don’t need but can’t get rid of. I’m not a hoarder, and I’m probably not even a hoarder in the making, but the show makes me completely paranoid. I’ll suddenly find myself throwing away things that I actually do need: “This coaster set came with four coasters? I don’t need all of those. I’d better throw away two of them. Otherwise, I might be a coaster hoarder!” This show is just bad for America, now more than ever. We need to be figuring out how to sell our junk, not just throw it away!
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