7 People You’ll Encounter at the Convenience Store

 
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    August 8, 2011 at 6:00 am

    conveniencestoreConvenience stores are magical realms of 24-hour adventure. Whether you’re meandering through a convenience store trying to find a decent meal, rummaging through the shelves for a can of un-expired cat food, or just hopping in for a cheese-injected jumbo hot dog, you’re sure to encounter an ensemble cast of ridiculous characters. Here are 7 people you’ll encounter at the convenience store.

    The Jaded Cashier

    7-11 cashierThe convenience store clerk (who’s usually Indian) is just another one of the magical aspects of a convenience store. But no matter what ethnicity the convenience store cashier happens to be, he will always be jaded and miserable, and he has every right to be. His job consists of scanning lottery tickets, bunning disgusting hot dogs for drunk people, and cleaning up spilled coffee for 8 hours every day. It’s not a joyful existence, and he’ll express his discontent by lifelessly meandering to the register when you’re ready to check out, engaging in as little conversation as possible, and just generally looking like he doesn’t give a crap about anything that’s going on, because he doesn’t. The most exciting part of his day is shooing drunken homeless people away from the door. A Curb Your Enthusiasm marathon couldn’t cheer this guy up, so your chipper small talk while you’re buying a 40 of Miller High Life and some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos isn’t going to accomplish anything.

    How to Deal With Him: You’re best bet in dealing with the jaded convenience store cashier is just to take care of your business and get out of his way as quickly as possible. That way, he won’t associate you with his miserable existence. If you’re really obsessed with brightening his day, then work out an elaborate prat fall routine to perform every time you go in the store (just don’t knock over any merchandise or break anything. Otherwise, he’ll immediately hate you forever).

    The Scratchers Guy

    scratchersThe biggest mistake that any convenience store can ever make is selling scratchers lottery tickets at the counter, because as soon as they do the Scratchers Guy finds them. The Scratchers Guy is the dude who doesn’t quite grasp the concept of customer-cashier transactions at convenience stores. He’ll order 17 scratchers tickets at once, then proceed to scratch every single one of them at the counter (using a penny from the give-a-penny-take-a-penny bucket). For some reason, The Scratchers Guy feels that scratching his lottery tickets is part of the overall business transaction, and he’s completely unwilling to relinquish his spot at the counter until he’s scratched the tickets and redeemed the $2 in prizes that he won from the first batch of tickets to get two more scratchers tickets that he also scratches at the counter before finally admitting defeat. Meanwhile, the line of other people trying to buy a single two dollar item is now about 30 people deep, and the scratchers guy finally exits the store, mumbling swear words under his breath and abandoning all of his non-winning scratchers tickets on the counter because “he only keeps the winners”.

    How to Deal With Him: Help him get out of the way faster by snatching some of the tickets he’s purchased and scratching them yourself. It’ll result in a fist fight, but you might win a couple of dollars in the process, so overall it’s worth it.

    The Stock Guy Who Lacks Spacial Reasoning Ability

    coke delivery guyThe stock guy won’t always be at every convenience store you go to, but if he’s there he’ll make his presence known long before you even enter the store. You’ll know he’s in the building because he’ll park his gigantic Pepsi/Frito-Lay/Coke/Bimbo truck in the parking lot, negating every available parking space that the convenience store has to offer. Once he’s in the store, he spreads out his boxes of merchandise through every aisle available, making your quick visit to the convenience store feel more like a mad dash through London during Blitzkrieg. You’ll be jumping, dodging, and weaving through piles of cardboard boxes and as-of-yet unpacked snack foods just to get to the soft drink freezers for that 20oz. bottle of soda you had your mind set on, and the Stock Guy, who for some reason can’t keep his boxes in one place, will pay no mind to the immense and insufferable inconvenience he’s dumping onto the shoulders of every other store patron for the duration of his visit.

    How to Deal With Him: Just be your natural clumsy self and trip over all of the garbage and product he’s sprawled across the entire store. He can’t sell those tiny bags of Doritos if they’ve been crushed by a dude-sized object falling on them, so once you’ve demonstrated a complete lack of balance and agility, he’ll learn to stay out of your way.

    Drunk Guys


    You may think that young adults only get completely sloshed on the weekends, but there are always hordes of drunk guys within a few miles of you at any given time, and they all congregate at your local convenience store. Why? Because drunk guys love Slim Jims. Be prepared to bob and weave your way through a clan of sloppy drunk youths every time you go to the convenience store, and try to avoid the freezer section where the alcohol is stored, because that’s where these dudes will be, and they won’t even know how to stand up, let alone get out of your way.

    How to Deal With Them: Don’t. Just cast a knowing glance at the cashier to let him know that the two of you are in this together, then ask the drunk guys a series of complicated questions to confuse and bewilder them. Example: “What’s a better deal for my money: a 12-pack of beers for $8.99, or an 18-pack for $13.99? If you don’t answer correctly I’ll kill your girlfriend.”

    Slurpee Machine Guy

    slurpee machine messIt’s normal to expect that a kid at a Slurpee machine is going to make a huge mess. After all, he’s pumping sticky frozen goo out of a difficult-to-manage sideways pump system into a flimsy paper cup, and kids are stupid to boot. But an adult should be able to manage the difficult process of filling a cup with frozen juice. Unfortunately, the Slurpee Machine guy just doesn’t get it. He fills his cup to the top with Slurpee sludge, and then for some reason he doesn’t stop. Maybe he thinks that the machine is supposed to stop itself. Maybe he’s just to high to realize that he’s about to make a catastrophic mess all over the floor. Maybe he doesn’t care because it’s not his floor anyway. Whatever the reason, this guy just can’t figure out how to buy a Slurpee without dumping the equivalent of three more Slurpees all over the machine and the counter and floor surrounding it. Be particularly mindful of his secret weapon: the trail of sticky goo from the Slurpee machine to the cash register that you’ll definitely step in, which will cause every other disgusting substance on the convenience store floor to stick to your shoe as well.

    How to Combat Him: A swift jump-kick to the throat. It won’t stop him from making a Slurpee mess, but it’ll definitely be a lot of fun.

    Mr. Indecisive

    drunk-guys

    Convenience stores are renowned for their amazing and expansive selection of ice cold beverages. Most people already have a particular taste in mind when they enter the convenience store, so their selection process is fairly expedient. But Mr. Indecisive is not most people. Mr. Indecisive came into the store without the slightest clue as to what he wanted to drink, and now he’s in deliberation mode. This phase of his convenience store trip can last anywhere from 5 to 45 minutes, and he’s good about inconveniencing everyone else in the store by standing too close to the exact section of the cooler that you need to get to, just staring blankly at the beverages without the slightest glimmer if decisiveness.

    How to Combat Him: The old reach-around technique. No, not that reach around technique. I’m talking about the one where you open the door of the freezer section next to the item that you need to get, then reach over into another section to grab your beverage of choice. Rest assured that Mr. Indecisive will make his decision immediately after you do, and then promptly head to whatever other section you need to visit to inconvenience you all over again.

    The Guy Who Uses the Counter as a Holding Area

    counterSo you’ve managed to dodge the annoying stock guy, avoid the drunk kids, jump over the trail of Slurpee syrup running down the middle of the store, and circumnavigate Mr. Indecisive’s lack of decision making abilities. Now you approach the counter to triumphantly finish your convenience store visit and enjoy your winnings. But what’s this? There’s a huge pile of snacks, beverages and other store items just sitting on the counter, right where you need to be in order to check out. Don’t panic! It’s not an incredibly poor organizational choice on the part of the store. That pile of merchandise belongs to the guy who uses the counter as a holding area while he continues to shop. His hands work fine, and he’s not carrying anything heavy, so why does he feel entitled to dump his intended purchases in everyone else’s way why he casually browses the snack cake aisle? Because he’s a douchebag, that’s why.

    How to Combat Him: It’s called the arm swipe technique, and it’s pretty simple. It involves swiping one’s arm emphatically across the check out counter, clearing it of anything that’s not yours, and it works every time. If the guy who’s been stacking his stuff there complains at all, just kindly tell him to go and fornicate with himself.

     

     

     

     
     
     
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