8 Videos of Turtles Humping Things

 
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    July 27, 2011 at 6:00 am

    turtle sexIf you’ve ever seen a video of a turtle humping something before, then you’re already aware of the mind-blowing hilarity that comes with witnessing a turtle in coitus. If you’ve never seen such an act before then you’re in for a real treat, because we’ve collected 8 videos of turtles humping things that are guaranteed to make you laugh. Here’s the thing about turtles: they prefer to hump other turtles, but in the absence of another turtle they’ll hump just about anything that even remotely resembles a turtle. Shoes, rocks, frying pans, stacks of wood. They don’t care. They just want to get their rocks off. In fact, sometimes the humpee doesn’t have to look or feel like a turtle at all. The bottom line: turtles just like to hump things. Here are 8 videos of turtles humping things for hump day:

    Classic Turtle Humping


    Let’s start off with a standard: this is what two turtles humping looks like. Notice the strangely vagina-shaped throat of the turtle as it gasps and moans in a creepily human-like manner, reinforcing the fact that there’s nothing not creepy about a turtle having an orgasm.

    A Turtle Humping a Shoe


    A turtle will do the same thing you do if there’s no other member of your species around to hump: it’ll find something that it considers “close enough”, and it’ll bang the living daylights out of that thing. Based on my cursory online video research, tennis shoes seem to be a standard go-to for the typical horny turtle, as is beautifully demonstrated in the video above.

    A Turtle Humping a Croc


    This can’t be considered the same as a turtle humping a shoe, because Crocs are hardly shoes. They’re basically one step up from wearing a 2-liter coke bottle as a shoe. But that doesn’t stop this turtle from considering that Croc a suitable mate. I wonder if he actually uses the Croc’s little ventilation holes, or if he’s happy just feeling the cool, non-biodegradable plastic rubbing against his bottom-shell. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself to avoid thinking that turtles are just disgusting little perverts.

    A Turtle Humping a Boot


    I guess I had it wrong earlier. Turtles aren’t partial particularly to tennis shoes. Apparently, they’re just really in to humping any form of footwear whatsoever, and boots are no exception. This little guy can’t even get a good hold on the boot he’s defiling, but it doesn’t matter to him. All he needs is a few arousing shell-butts and he’s good to go.

    A Turtle Humping a Pile of Wood


    In the absence of another turtle or a tennis shoe, anything even remotely resembling a turtle will act as a suitable stand-in for a turtle to get his rocks off with. In this case, the turtle’s desired mate happens to be a pile of wood that resembles a turtle in so much as it’s hard and fairly stationary. Apparently, that’s the only criteria that a turtle needs to consider an object humpable.

    A Turtle Humping a Plastic Bag


    I stand corrected yet again. A turtle doesn’t need to hump another turtle, any kind of footwear, or even something that might kind of feel like another turtle. Apparently, any object whatsoever will suffice. This little guy has found a plastic bag that seems to be to his liking, but I have a feeling he’s so horny he’d hump anything right now. You could drop a glob of tapioca pudding on the table and he’d start going to town. Hmm…I might be on to something with this “humping tapioca pudding” idea that I just came up with. Have I said too much? Is it finally starting to get weird now?

    This Is What a Turtle’s Boner Looks Like


    This turtle has found a sexy little doggy chew toy that’s apparently ready and willing. He seems to be having a little trouble balancing, but this video does give us a really good look at a turtle’s boner, which is horrific and terrifying to say the least. The face-sucker from Alien had to be at least partially based on turtle penises. Good luck ever eating a portabella mushroom after you watch this video.

    Galapagos Tortoises Humping


    Okay, so when little turtles hump things they make really funny heavy breathing noises and act really weird, but that’s just the little ones, right? Surely the larger, 200 pound tortoises don’t hump that way. It’s way too ridiculous of a mating technique for a primordial animal that lives for over 100 years. Surely tortoises have found a better, more dignified way to copulate, right? WRONG. Tortoises are just as ridiculous, albeit slightly more baritone. If we’ve learned anything from this adventure into turtle porn, it’s that nature will always be much, much weirder than any of us can possibly imagine.

     
     
     
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