The Ultimate Baseball Movie Dream Team

 
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    June 22, 2011 at 6:00 am

    With all the fantastic baseball movies in existence, it seems that the only logical thing to do is spend time fantasizing about what the ultimate baseball movie dream team would look like. Luckily, we’ve already figured it out. Here’s the ultimate baseball movie dream team:

    First Base: Lou Collins

    from Little Big League

    lou collins little big leagueHighlights: Lou Collins pulled off a great fake to pick of Ken Griffey Jr. in the one-game playoff, married the kid owner’s hot mom, and has red hair. He’s a shoe-in for any baseball movie dream team.

    Second Base: Mark Bellhorn

    from Fever Pitch

    Highlights: Mark Bellhorn hit HRS in the ALCS and World Series, helped the Red Sox win their first World Series in 86 years, and never had to talk to Drew Barrymore during the filming of the movie. He’s a winner if there ever was one.

    Short Stop: Benny The Jet” Rodriguez

    from The Sandlot

    benny the jet rodriguezHighlights: Based on what we saw in The Sandlot, Benny Rodriguez is the best baseball player that ever lived. He knocked the skin off of a baseball, he pickled the beast and outran it during a chase through the entire town, and he stole home in a professional game. He also managed to hit a fly ball right into Smalls’ glove with pin-point accuracy. He’s incredible.

    Third Base: Doris Murphy

    from A League of Their Own

    rosie odonnell a league of their ownHighlights: Doris Murphy can throw two baseballs at once with stunning accuracy. She also knows Madonna, which is always a plus for baseball players, and every time she wins a championship her dad rewards her with a steak dinner. That means she’s got the incentive to win.

    Left Field: Shoeless Joe Jackson

    from 8 Men Out

    shoeless joe jackson d.b. sweeneyHighlights: Shoeless Joe Jackson was the best player on the 1919 Chicago White Sox team. He’s also opposed to taking bribes and throwing games. He’s an honest player, and that’s important for a dream team member. Shoeless Joe was also the best role that D.B. Sweeney ever played, so there’s a good reason for him to give it his all.

    Center Field: Willie Mays Hayes

    from Major League

    wesley-snipes-as-willie-mays-hayesHighlights: Willie Mays Hayes once made an over-the-head basket catch, which is incredible. He also leads the league in stolen bases, which is a definite plus. The only down side is that he requires a new pair of gloves for every base he steals, so he could really run up the equipment expense bill, but it’s totally worth it for this all-star.

    Right Field: Roy Hobbs

    from The Natural

    the naturalHighlights: Roy Hobbs struck out Walter “The Hammer” Whambold. He also survived a gun shot, and he build the Wonderboy bat from a tree that had been struck by lightning. He’s multi-faceted and a real go-getter, which is exactly what this baseball movie dream team needs.

    Pitcher: Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn

    from Major League

    Wild-ThingHighlights: Wild Thing has a 100 mile an hour pitch and a fantastic haircut. It was also one of the last roles Charlie Sheen played before he went insane, which is ironic because the character he portrayed was completely insane. Nonetheless, you can’t have a baseball movie dream team without Wild Thing on the mound.

    Pitcher: Henry Rowengartner

    from Rookie of the Year

    rookie of the year henryHighlights: Like Wild Thing, Henry also has a 100 mile an hour pitch, thanks to an injury that caused his tendons to heal too tight. He’s already won the World Series for the Chicago Cubs, which everyone thought was impossible, and he built a crappy boat with his friends, so he can handle all of the baseball movie dream team’s sailing needs.

    Pitcher: Steve Nebraska

    from The Scout

    brendan fraser the scoutHightlights: Steve Nebraska pitches so hard that he can knock a catcher over. He can also hit homeruns both left-handed and right-handed, and he flew in to the stadium in a helicopter to pitch in the playoffs, so he’s got the flair that every dream team player should have.

    Catcher: Crash Davis

    Bull Durham

    Crash-Davis

    Highlights: Crash Davis taught Nuke LaLoosh to be a good pitcher. He also worked hard to lock down the team floozy Annie Savoy, and according to the speech he makes in Bull Durham, Crash believes in the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that Lee Harvey Oswals acted alone, that there should be a constitutional amendment outlawing astroturf and designated hiters, the sweet spot, softcore pornography, opening your presents on Christmas Day rather than Christmas Eve, and long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. If there ever was dream team material, Crash Davis is it.

    Manager: Morris Buttermaker

    from Bad News Bears (1976)

    walter mathau bad news bearsHighlights: Morris Buttermaker is a former minor league pitcher who is now just an alcoholic, so he needs something to do. He purposely lost a championship, but he also sprayed his team with beer in celebration of their moral victory, so he’s clearly got his priorities sorted out.

    Assistant Coach: Morris Buttermaker

    from Bad News Bears (2005)

    billy bob thornton bad news bearsHighlights: He’s a former Minor League player who’s now and alcoholic exterminator, so he’s used to ridding the world of pests. Like the Manager he’ll be working under, he also threw the championship game, but unlike the other Morris Buttermaker, he chose to spray his team with non-alcoholic beers in celebration of their moral victory. The two Buttermakers would make a great team.

     

     
     
     
    4 Comments
    1. jason says:

      I did like the line up but think that in stead of having the same manager twice. it should have Jimmy Dugan as the assistant manager. but other wise right on track.

    2. MKRob Sports says:

      What about Pedro Cerrano, OF, Major League, Jack Parkman, C, Major League, Dottie Henson, C, A League of Their Own, Carlos Liston, 1B, Major League III, Roger Dorn, Owner, Major League and Jim Morris, P, The Rookie?

     
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