7 Reasons Why San Francisco is Crazy

 
  •  
     
     
     
    June 17, 2011 at 6:00 am

    San francisco panoramaSan Francisco is an awesome city, and a fantastic place to visit. The architecture is simply astounding, and the city itself has more character and charm than all of the characters from Full House combined. But San Francisco is also a lot like a girlfriend: you love her, but she’s completely crazy. Over the past few years (and especially over the past 12 months or so), San Francisco has become uncontrollably ban-happy. It’s almost as if someone in the city council just woke up pissed off one morning and just started looking around the room for things to ban. Trash cans. Windows. #2 Pencils. Mirrors. EVERYTHING! While all of the recent San Francisco bans are ultimately well-intentioned, most people just think that there’s something in the city’s (remarkably clean) water supply that’s making everyone go bonkers. Here are 7 Reasons Why San Francisco is Crazy:

    They Already Banned Happy Meals

    happy mealHappy Meals are the McDonald’s staple for kids. Anybody who’s been a kid in the past 30 years or so remembers the thrill of going to McDonald’s, getting a Happy Meal, digging in the little square box to find the plastic wrapped toy, and then promptly getting disappointed because you got the crappiest of the 5 different toys they advertise, which (of course) is the only one they have left. San Francisco’s ban on Happy Meals was a back-handed way of telling McDonald’s “we know your food is bad for everyone, and we won’t allow you to bait children to an obese, unhealthy lifestyle by bribing them with crappy toys”. In that regard, we totally support San Francisco’s intentions, but is banning Happy Meals really the best way to do it? Why not pass a city law stating that every salad has to come with a toy, or that every time you see a kid eating tofu you have to pat them on the head and give them a quarter? You don’t make murder illegal by outlawing guns. You just say “murder is illegal!”.

    They’re Trying to Ban Goldfish

    goldfishNot only does San Francisco want to deny children of crappy toys, but now they’re threatening to encroach upon a kid’s right to own a crappy pet as well. San Francisco’s Animal Control and Welfare Commission recently submitted a proposal that would ban pet stores from selling goldfish and other small pets, because they consider it cruel and inhumane. Again, San Francisco has the right idea with this proposal. Many pet stores get animals from puppy mills, places that churn out puppies for pet stores and are often managed under downright degrading conditions to breed animals that will most likely end up in an animal shelter soon anyway. But is there really a nefarious underground goldfish breeding Mafia that none of us know about? Goldfish are completely content living out their entire lives in a glass bowl on top of a little kid’s dresser. Also, goldfish have like 25 babies at a time, and if you don’t take the babies away as soon as they’re born their mother will eat them. That’s right: mother goldfish eat their babies. Harvesting those babies and selling them for $4 a piece doesn’t even register on a goldfish’s scale of “inhumane”.

    They’re Also Trying to Ban Circumcision

    Circumcision

    On your next trip to San Francisco, you won’t be able to buy a Happy Meal, you may not be able to pick up a few gold fish, and you might not be able to cut the foreskin off of any babies while you’re there either. An anti-circumcision group (which apparently really exists) in San Francisco recently announced that they’ve gathered enough signatures to qualify a proposal to ban circumcisions from San Francisco, and the measure will probably be showing up on next November’s election ballot.  Proponents of the circumcision ban say that they’re trying to outlaw the practice because “it’s excruciatingly painful and permanently damaging surgery that’s forced on men when they’re at their weakest and most vulnerable”. Meanwhile, opponents of the proposed ban point out that a) that’s freaking ridiculous, and b) circumcision is a religious practice for the Jewish and Muslim people, so the ban on that religious practice would be an unconstitutional infringement on religion. So far, nobody’s pointed out that everyone in San Francisco is spending way too much time discussing baby penises.

    They Already Banned Soda

    soda vending machine coke pepsiUnlike the other bans on this list, San Francisco’s ban on soda last year came right from the top: it was issued by SF Mayor Gavin Newsom himself.  Last year, Mayor Newsom issued an executive order that banned soda and other high-sugar beverages from being sold in vending machines on city property. Newsom’s goal in ordering the ban was one of anti-obesity, and it was well-intentioned. His thought was that if high-sugar beverages weren’t available, people would be more likely to accept healthy alternatives. The problem is that sugar isn’t the only thing that makes people fat, and the calorie difference between a bottle of coke and a bottle of milk–or even fruit juice–isn’t quite as big as you might think. Newsom also seems to be suggesting that his government employees aren’t smart enough to control their own eating habits, and rather than ordering those vending machines to simply offer lower-sugar alternatives, Newsom thought it best to mandate that they be stocked with only “healthier” beverages. Call me crazy, but taking away people’s mid-day uppers (without doing your research at all) just because you think you know what’s best for them doesn’t seem like the best way to get people to say “Y’know what I like about Mayor Newsom? That he’s not patronizing, controlling, and insane”.

    They Haven’t Banned The Yellow Pages Yet

    stack-of-yellow-pagesWait a minute. You’re telling me that San Francisco has already banned Happy Meals and Soda, and that they’re preparing to ban gold fish and circumcisions, but they still haven’t banned The Yellow Pages? The Yellow Pages is a book that nobody uses. Sure, the Yellow Pages Association (who prints and distributes the door-delivered booster seats) claims that they still get over 12 Billion “look-ups” per year. That’s great! I don’t know how in the hell they can actually document that statistic, but good for them! How about they just deliver The Yellow Pages to the 12 elderly people in the country who look up a billion different phone numbers in a book every year and stop bothering the rest of us, who are already well into the 21st century where we can look up practically any phone number on a smart phone in a matter of seconds. If I was going door-to-door and leaving a pile of garbage on everyone’s doorstep, I’d be arrested and fined for littering before I got done with the first block. So why does The Yellow Pages have a carte blanche to just leave trash all over every city in America? Local governments spend an estimated $54 Million a year just to dispose of unwanted (and unrequested) phone books. To be clear: San Francisco is not crazy for trying to ban The Yellow Pages. In fact, the city is currently pushing a proposal to do just that. They’re crazy because this wasn’t the very first thing they ever tried to ban.

    They Tried to Give Birth Control to Pigeons

    san francisco pigeonsIn San Francisco, it’s illegal to trap, kill, or poison pigeons. For a city that’s going out of its way to prohibit the sale of gold fish, that’s to be expected. But San Francisco is facing a pigeon infestation of epic proportions. In fact, it’s so bad that I’ve decided to call it “pigeonocalypse”. So what did San Francisco decide to do about it? They decided to try to give the pigeons birth control. A lot of cities around the country are combating pigeon infestations with this tactic today, using a birdie-birth-control-infused bird feed called Ornitrol. But San Francisco was considering implementation of the pigeon birth control over 12 years ago, before Ornitrol had even been tested to determine how safe it was to just throw around on the sidewalk. In fact, it was one of the first solutions they came up with. Somehow they skipped over other obvious pest control methods, like putting pigeon spikes on buildings so they can’t land anywhere and cleaning up garbage on the street that pigeons scavenge through, and they just jumped straight to “give them so questionable, possibly highly toxic birth control that hasn’t been approved for use in the United States yet!” You crazy, San Francisco! You crazy!

    They Charge $20 to Park Overnight

    Parallel-parkingC’mon, San Francisco. That’s ridiculous! Last year I traveled to San Francisco, paid $240 dollars for a room in a sub-par hotel, and then was informed that I had to pay an additional $20 to park a car in the hotel’s designated parking garage for the night. That’s not included in my room rate? And what’s with the $5 charge just to get into the city? And why is there a place in San Francisco called “Treasure Island” that looks absolutely nothing like what a place called Treasure Island should look like?!!! And what’s up with that weird military bunker thing above the Golden Gate Bridge that looks like a real-life Halo level? And why is every strip club in San Francisco crammed onto the same sleazy, disease-ridden block? I’ll tell you why: because San Francisco is freakin’ crazy!

     
    About the Author
    I like to find cool things on the internet, and I managed to get a job where I get paid to find cool things on the internet all day. Things are looking up!
     
     
    Comments
    1. Anonymous says:

      Good to know. Excellent website especially on topics like pigeon pest control.

     
    Speak Your Mind
    Tell us what you're thinking... and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!