10 Things You Should Do at a Wedding
We’re fast approaching Memorial Day Weekend, which means there’s a 99.8% chance that you have to go to a wedding this weekend. More weddings are scheduled on Memorial Day Weekend than any other weekend of the year, so don’t feel bad if you’re one of the millions of people who are losing your coveted three-day weekend because you have to go and celebrate the happiest day in someone else’s life with them. Since you have to go to the wedding this weekend, you may as well take the necessary steps to ensure that you enjoy it. Here are 10 things that you absolutely must do at a wedding.
Eat the Food
If you’re at the right wedding, then you’ve got a long night of drunken debauchery ahead of you. It’s important to make sure that you fill your stomach with something besides the 30 glasses of champagne you’re going to pound down before the bar reaches its limit. There’s a 50/50 chance the food that’s served at your wedding will be good. There’s also a 50/50 chance it’ll taste like the squirrel you deliberately swerved to squash on the drive to the wedding. Either way, you’ll need the energy, so whatever you’re served, just scarf it down and don’t ask any questions.
Weddings are one of the few places where shame is non-existent. The point, in fact, is to celebrate as much as you possibly can. You’re supposed to be celebrating in the name of “love”, but nobody will be able to tell that you’re celebrating in the name of “free booze”, so drink up. Weddings are different than real life. If you’re at a bar on a normal night, extreme drunkenness means that you’re either irresponsible or unhappy with your life. At a wedding, your level of drunkenness is assumed to be directly proportional to how happy you are for the bride and groom. You need to make a good impression on the families of the recently wed and get completely blitzed. You don’t want them to think you’re some kind of love-hating sourpuss, do you?
Dance Your Pants Off
If you’re a white guy, then you probably suck at dancing. Fortunately, you’re in luck: weddings are pretty much the only place where you’re allowed to dance however you want without fear of ridicule. Old people dance at wedding. And I don’t just mean “Kirstie Alley” old, I’m talking about ridiculously, dangerously old people dancing their asses off like their 17 again and the Civil War just ended. People drag 2-year old children and 120-year old grandmas onto the wedding dance floor, so you’ll be the last idiot they’ll be judging. Take advantage of this rare opportunity and dance your fancy pants off.
Talk to Strangers
You’re going to meet a lot of strangers at this weekend’s wedding. You probably know the bride or the groom, and you might know some of their friends, but there’s almost zero chance that you’ll know every single person at the wedding. That means there will be people to meet. What’s that? You say you don’t like meeting people and you’re incredibly socially awkward? Fear not, wedding goer! Everyone around you is going to be ridiculously drunk, so they’ll all be socially awkward. There’s no better time to meet someone than when you’re both completely wasted. Drunken conversations at bars or on the street outside of the bar you just got kicked out of can quickly take a turn for the worst, but at a wedding, everyone is in a fantastic mood. Just avoid dipping into your cache of racist jokes and you’ll be fine.
Make Out With Someone
First, a disclaimer: if you’ve come to the wedding with a date, make sure you’re making out with that person. If you’ve gone stag, then the world is your oyster (and I mean that in the most sexual way possible). When you’re trying to get a girl to make out with you, there’s no better environment than at a wedding. Love is in the air, they’ve been crying tears of joy all afternoon, and their hearts are totally aflutter (that’s a good thing, right?). All you have to do is not be an a-hole and a quick tongue wrestling session should be a piece of cake.
Make a Speech
How often do you find yourself in a situation where it’s perfectly acceptable to just stand up in front of a crowd of strangers and spontaneously make a speech? Rarely. Take advantage of this opportunity, even if you’re not part of the wedding party. Sure, it’s not entirely kosher, but it’ll still be acceptable. Everyone at a wedding is in a better-than-normal mood, which means that you can get away with a lot of stuff that you’d normally get beaten to a pulp for. If you don’t trust yourself to deliver a coherent off-the-cuff speech, I’d recommend memorizing Bill Pullman’s motivational speech from Independence Day. Everyone knows it, and everyone loves it. Just make sure to change the “Independence Day” line to “Wedding Day” and you’ll be the toast of the town. Here’s the speech, just to refresh your memory.
Decorate Someone’s Car
Traditionally, you’re supposed to decorate the bride and grooms’ getaway car. You’re also traditionally supposed to choose a young unmarried man to crawl up the bride’s dress and take a garter off of her thigh, then flick it into a crowd of dudes. Long story short: weird things are supposed to happen at a wedding. Brings some empty tin cans along with you (make sure they’re empty) and tie them to the back of the first car you see. Who’s going to be upset when they leave the wedding and find their car fancifully decorated? That’s like getting pissed off because somebody made your boring old pine tree into a beautiful christmas tree. It just doesn’t happen. Just to be on the safe side, though, make sure nobody sees you doing it.
Photobomb Like There’s No Tomorrow
People take tons of pictures at weddings, and many of those pictures are professional pictures. These aren’t just photos that someone is going to throw up on their Facebook wall, either. These are wedding photos. People keep wedding photos forever. Your parents may not be able to find a single baby picture of you in their entire house, but I guarantee they know exactly where their wedding album is. Those pictures are immortal, which means you should be in as many of them as you possibly can, even if you’re not supposed to be in them. Photobombing wedding photos isn’t easy, because they’re usually being taken by a professional photographer who knows to watch out for idiots like you. Don’t let that stop you. That doesn’t mean you can’t photobomb. It just means your photobombs will have to be awesome. Make sure you’re up for the challenge, and get creative.
Chances are if you’re already drinking and dancing, you’ve already got this taken care of. But in the off chance that you’re a good dancer and you don’t get embarrassingly drunk, go out of the way to humiliate yourself in some way. Everyone at the wedding is going to be completely wasted, and they’re just waiting for something to laugh at. Wanna be the instant life of the party? Spill something on yourself. Wanna make everyone at the wedding remember you forever, even in their drunken state? Fall into a pool or a coy pond. When people are drunk, their normal defenses are down. Hit them where it hurts the most: right in the funny bone. How often do you find yourself in a crowd of extremely drunk people who are just waiting for something to laugh at and someone to love forever as a result of it?
Request a Weird Al Yankovic Song
Fact: wedding DJ’s HATE Weird Al Yankovic. Another fact: wedding DJ’s are douchebags. Don’t think that the wedding DJ is actually going to play your Weird Al request, because even though the DJ was paid a miserable amount of money to basically let you borrow their speakers and ipod for a few hours, they’re still going to treat the event like it’s a mainstage set at Coachella and everyone is there to see them perform. That’s just how DJ’s are. Requesting a Weird Al Yankovic song is the quickest, easiest way to remind the wedding DJ that he’s, well, a freakin’ wedding DJ. It may seem childish and stupid right now, but after that idiotic DJ introduces the wedding party with his stupid Chicago Bulls announcer voice and plays “Shout!” for the three-hundredth time, you’re going to want to drag him out to the parking lot, shove his CD turntables where the sun don’t shine, and murder him. Consider the Weird Al request an equal but less illegal alternative to that.
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