Summer is just around the corner, and now is the perfect time to look ahead to the top summer movies
of 2011 that every man should see. Whatever you’re doing right now, drop it, read this article, and then head straight to your nearest movie theater. From hilarious comedies to high octane blockbusters
, we have the lowdown on the best summer movies Hollywood has to offer in 2011.
Opening Date: May 6, 2011
The marketing flaks at Paramount are keen to remind you that, although there are many superhero films this summer, Thor
is the only movie about a Norse God. Semantics aside, this is still very much a superhero movie, complete with the blinding pyrotechnics, homoerotic tension and over-the-top dialogue fans have come to expect from superhero movies. As an added bonus, this big budget film also features Natalie Portman, a bona fide Oscar winner who has been giving nerds wet dreams on a nightly basis ever since she appeared in The Phantom Menace
Why you’ll enjoy it: This may be the only chance you’ll ever have to see Kat Dennings’ sweater kittens in 3-D.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Opening Date: May 20, 2011
Movie franchises rarely get better by their fourth film (hello Police Academy 4
!), but On Stranger Tides
may be the notable exception thanks to the inclusion of Spanish seductress Penelope Cruz and tough-as-nails character actor Ian McShane as the dreaded Captain Blackbeard. Add in a dash of half-naked mermaids and a pinch of Johnny Depp and you have all the ingredients for a rip-roaring production.
Why you’ll enjoy it: Did we mention the half naked mermaids? Sure, they may smell a little bit fishy below the waist, but then again, what woman doesn’t?
The Hangover Part II
Opening Date: May 27, 2011
The stars of 2009’s surprise hit are back for another below-the-belt, booze-fueled adventure. This time around the action takes place in Thailand where “The Wolfpack” falls prey to howling monkeys, ass-kicking monks and dozens of dick jokes involving the word “Bangkok.” Sure, it may not be very sophisticated, but then again neither are you.
Why you’ll enjoy it: The Hangover Part II features the same brand of outrageous slapstick humor that made the original the top-grossing R-rated film of all time. Also, there’s a scene where a guy pretends to get fellatio from a monkey. We’re pretty sure you’ll like that too.
X-Men: First Class
Opening Date: June 3, 2011
Origin stories are all the rage these days so it was only a matter of time before we got to learn why Professor X and Magneto no longer exchange Christmas cards. Only time will tell whether this CGI-laden prequel makes us forget all about the original.
Why you’ll enjoy it: January Jones wears white hooker boots for virtually the entire film. Enough said.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Opening Date: July 1, 2011
Director Michael Bay has let it be known that this is his last Transformers
film, so you can be certain that this flick will be a truly balls-to-wall epic that will have your ears ringing and your head spinning as you exit the theater.
Why you’ll enjoy it: Anyone who has ever thought that the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show could use more fighting robots is in luck! Bay clearly listened to you when he cast curvaceous Angel Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in his final installment of his Transformers franchise. The English model really doesn’t get to say very much in this blockbuster, but damned if she doesn’t look good running away from fake explosions.
Captain America: The First Avenger
Opening Date: July 22, 2011
Remember how your high school history teacher taught you America won World War II thanks to the courage and perseverance of its soldiers? Well, it turns out he was wrong. The war was actually won by a guy with a ten pound bulletproof shield, and this is his very entertaining story.
Why you’ll enjoy it: Because you have no choice. Admitting you hated this movie is like telling the world you’re a Commie.
Cowboys and Aliens
Opening Date: July 29, 2011
What do you get when you combine an implausible sci-fi story with a cliché-ridden Western? If you’re writing an English paper you probably get an “F”, but in the case of Cowboys and Aliens you get one of the coolest, craziest and most unique concepts of the summer. Based upon a graphic novel by Scott Mitchell Rosenberg, this highly anticipated flick stars Harrison Ford and Daniel Craig as a pair of home-on-the-rangers who must prevent a spaceship from conquering Planet Earth.
Why you’ll enjoy it: Because you have a pulse. Anyone who enjoys movies is guaranteed to get a kick out of watching Indiana Jones and James Bond band together to save the world.
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