What Your Mother’s Day Gift Is Really Saying

    May 3, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Mother‘s Day is on Sunday, which means it’s time for you to a) remember that it’s almost Mother’s Day, and b) find a great Mother’s Day gift for your mom. Mother‘s Day gifts are difficult, because you don’t want to cross the line and get a Mother’s Day gift that’s inappropriate for a mom (hint: NEVER give your mom lingerie for Mother’s Day), but you also don’t want to give your mom a gift so lame that it makes her feel old. Your Mother’s Day gift speaks volumes, but sometimes it doesn’t say exactly what you intended. Here’s what your Mother’s Day gift is really saying to your dear mom:


    flowersWhat You Think It Says:
    I freakin’ love you, Mom! You made me who I am today, and most of the time I really like who I am. I love you for that, and what’s the best gift for someone who you love and who is also a female? Flowers! Flowers were made to be gifts. I mean, what else are they good for besides giving to women? They’re pretty, and they smell good. Women like both of those things. Plus, they always liven up a room (unless that room is a funeral parlor, which it frequently is). All in all: Flowers are the perfect gift for my favorite mom in the world: you!

    What It Really Says:
    I ordered these on Saturday afternoon.


    Edible Arrangements

    edible arrangementsWhat You Think It Says:
    There’s only one thing better than flowers: flowers that you can eat! Mom, I know how you really love fruit, and this entire bouquet is made of it! Not only is this Edible Arrangement beautiful, but it’s healthy and it tastes fantastic, too! Plus, I don’t know if you know this, but Edible Arrangements are freakin’ expensive! Apparently fruit becomes dramatically more valuable when you have to cut it into flower shapes, but it’s totally worth it for you, Mom!

    What It Really Says:
    Eat this whole bouquet of fruit. It’ll really help with that bowel issue that you emailed me about. Remember how you accidentally copied your whole Contacts List on that email, so now everyone knows about your poop problems? Yeah, you’re probably gonna get a few of these for Mother’s Day, so I hope you like them!



    candlesWhat You Think It Says:
    You love candles, right? Isn’t that like a prerequisite for being a mom? Liking candles? Anyway, these aren’t just regular candles. These candles smell like cookies when you light them. Cookies! Can you imagine that? Every time one of your old lady neighbor friends comes over, they’ll think that you’re baking up a delicious batch of cookies, and then when they ask you if they can have a cookie you can say “oh, no. I’m not baking cookies. That’s actually just a candle that my loving son bought me for Mother’s Day!” and then they’ll think that you’re lying to them so you can hoard all of your cookies for yourself. How fun will that be, right?

    What It Really Says:
    Look what I won at a White Elephant Gift Exchange last Christmas!



    perfumeWhat You Think It Says:
    You’re getting older, Mom, and if there’s one thing I know about old people, it’s that they smell like Ben Gay, moth balls, and adult diapers. But not you, Mom! I won’t allow it! You’re going to be the nicest-smelling decrepit old lady on the block! Sure, this perfume only cost $20, and it’s not the kind of perfume that you normally wear, but perfume is perfume, right? It doesn’t matter what fragrance it is, as long as it keeps you from smelling like an old, incontinent sack of bones and guts.

    What It Really Says:
    No offense, Mom, but whatever you’re doing hygiene-wise, it’s not working. Just bathe in this once a day and try not to go out in public too much.


    Spa Treatment

    spa treatmentWhat You Think It Says:
    You work hard, Mom. It’s time you got a little R & R all to yourself. Take a day off and relax at the spa, where you’ll be treated like a queen. They’ll give you an amazing massage, cover you in mud, feed you wine and cheese, and put you in the sauna and force you to sweat for hours. It’s the least I can do to pay you back for all the hard hours you put into raising me.

    What It Really Says:
    You need to relax, Mom. Why don’t you go and get groped by someone besides Dad?


    Maid Service

    maid in manhattenWhat You Think It Says:
    Life never slows down for you, does it Mom? If you’re not at the office or taking care of the kids, you’re cooking dinner, cleaning the house, or re-organizing the linen closets for the fourth time this afternoon because you’re secretly going crazy. It’s about time you got to live like Dad for a while, by coming home from work, kicking off your shoes, and watching someone else do all the housework while you get drunk in front of the TV.

    What It Really Says:
    You suck at cleaning, Mom. Like, you really suck. We’ve all thought it for a while, but none of us said anything because that would mean that we would have to clean better, so we just kept our mouths shut. But yeah, to really suck at cleaning. Get someone else to do it.


    Dinner Reservations

    dinnerWhat You Think It Means:
    You’ve cooked so many great meals for me over the years. It’s about time someone cooked a great meal for you. Of course, that someone can’t be me, because I do not have the time, energy, or culinary skill set to prepare a meal that consists of anything more than a can of Chef Boyardee ravioli and another can of green beans. That’s why I’ve paid for the qualified culinary experts at Olive Garden to prepare a meal fit for a queen, and it’s all for you. Plus, it comes with endless breadsticks!

    What It Really Means:
    You know how terrible you are at cleaning? Well your even worse at cooking. In fact, if you ever decide to move, find a house with no kitchen. Trust me, everyone will be better off.


    Gift Card

    visa gift cardWhat You Think It Means:
    Mother’s Day is your special day, Mom, so rather than take an educated guess at what might make you happy, I decided to give you the best gift ever: the right to make your own decision. If you want to spend this money on some flowers for yourself, go ahead. If you want to go out for dinner and a movie, you can do that to! This gift card is an all-access pass to whatever you want. Take advantage of the freedom I’ve allowed you, and make your own dreams a reality. You deserve it!

    What It Really Means:
    I have no freakin’ clue what you like. I’ll bankroll some fun for you, but you’ll have to make the decisions yourself, because I’m completely clueless. Good luck, Mom!


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