If the NBA Playoffs Were an Action Movie

 
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    April 27, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Now that the NBA playoffs are in full swing, you’re bound to get stuck in a conversation about NBA basketball at your job, local watering hole, or in your weekly Spin class. Since not everyone has the time or interest to keep up with every intricate detail of the NBA playoffs (but everyone in the world loves action movies) here’s how the NBA playoff teams would look if they were characters in an action movie.

    The Young Hero

    luke skywalker star wars darkThis character is the young, talented-yet-unproven star of the show. You’re always rooting for him, but you’re also wondering if he’ll actually be able to step up and save the day when push comes to shove. He’s a little unconventional, and sometimes he fires off like a loose cannon, but you’d really like to see him victorious in the end.

    The NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    Chicago Bulls

    The Bulls are a young team with a lot of talent, the NBA’s most likely MVP in Derrick Rose, and a home court advantage throughout the playoffs. However, the team is lacking playoff experience, which may overwhelm them in crunch time.

    WEST
    Oklahoma City Thunder

    The Thunder are another young team with a core group of future stars. They’ve had some big playoff wins in the past, and they’ve started off strong this year. With no real veterans on the team, they may just be young and dumb enough to not realize that they shouldn’t have a chance of winning the championship.

    The Main Villain

    This character is a clear villain, and you know right away you’re supposed to hate him because he has way too much money and/or does something horrible to someone weaker than he is (i.e. kids, women, pitiful men, etc.). He’ll also do whatever it takes to win.

    The NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    Miami Heat

    The Heat got all of the best free agents before the season (Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh) and then proceeded to throw it in everyone’s face with a preseason celebration/dance party. That’s just cruel and inhumane.

     

    WEST
    Los Angeles Lakers

    The Lakers are the defending NBA champions, and their team is composed of homophobic alleged rapists, insane, brawl-starting rappers, and reality TV stars.

     

    The Elder Statesman/Wise Mentor

    This is the character that the Young Hero looks up to, because they’ve been so good for so long. This character also has the most experience and knowledge, and while he’s clearly older than most opponents, he still has the talent and the fight in him to get the job done if and when he needs to.

    NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    Boston Celtics

    With a team full of perennial All-Stars and a presence in the championships 2 out of the last 3 years, the Celtics still have considerable talent, despite the fact that the team is aging and may soon be reaching the ends of their careers.

     

    WEST
    San Antonio Spurs

    Call them too old. Call them past their prime. But don’t forget to call them the team with the best record in the regular NBA season. If the playoffs are about experience, there’s not a single team in the league with more playoff experience than this year’s San Antonio Spurs team.

    The Fake Hero

    In action movies, this character is usually trying to compete with the Young Hero, and on paper he should be able to. Whether it’s saving the day or getting the girl, the Fake Hero should be the biggest threat to the Young Hero. But when push comes to shove, the Fake Hero blows it and fails miserably.

    NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    Orlando Magic

    So much talent. So much potential. So much miserable failure. That’s the Orlando Magic in three improper sentences.

     

    WEST
    Dallas Mavericks

    The Mavs have ‘been there and not done that’ so many times that they’re sure to fail on purpose in this years NBA playoffs, just to see how Mark Cuban will react.

     

    The Sacrificial Lamb

    We all root for the Sacrificial Lamb when he takes on the bad guy, even though we know he’s going to get slaughtered because it’s way too early in the movie for the villain to be defeated. But someone has to take on the villain, in order to reveal his weakness so that the Young Hero can swoop in and save the day later on.

    NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    Philadelphia 76ers

    Your reward for working really hard in order to just barely make the playoffs: having to face the Miami Heat. The 76ers are the favorites in the series, but that’s more because people want the Heat to lose than because they want the Sixers to win.

    WEST
    New Orleans Hornets

    Read the 76ers explanation above, but replace “76ers” with “Hornets” and “Heat” with “Lakers”. It’s exactly the same.

     

    The Villain’s Right Hand Man

    In action movies, this character is the head of the villain’s entourage of evil-doers. You can tell he’s bad just by looking at him, and he’ll do the villain’s dirty work, no questions asked. Even though they’re evil and cruel, somehow they’re just not smart, strong, or great enough to really take over the evil operation, so they’ll always be relegated to the second baddest villain in the movie.

    NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    Atlanta Hawks

    The Atlanta Hawks are considered good but not great. They can win some games but not all of them, and their brash attitude keeps them from ever becoming fan favorites.

     

    WEST
    Portland Blazers

    The Blazers’ uniforms are black and red. These are classic evil characters. Remember V for Vendetta? Remember the Nazis? I rest my case. Like the Hawks, the Blazers have some talent and the ability to pull off an upset once in a while, but they never seem to be able to pull it together long enough to really be successful.

    The Young Hero’s Right Hand Man

    In action movies, the hero almost always has a sidekick. The sidekick’s role is generally the same as the Villain’s Right Hand Man, with one big difference: his tasks are good instead of evil. Also, he usually doesn’t look like an evil, monstrous person.

    NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    New York Knicks

    With their new All-Stars, the New York Knicks seem like they could eventually become a good basketball team, but right now they’re still trying to figure out how they all fit together. Like a hero sidekick in training, they have the potential and a basic understanding of the skills, but they’re just not quite ready to be a leader yet.

    WEST
    Denver Nuggets

    With so much young talent, it seems like the Denver Nuggets will someday be a triumphant hero. Right now, though, they’re just too young and they haven’t been playing together long enough to go all the way.

    The Henchmen

    The action movie henchmen are the nameless, faceless minions that no one really cares about. They die quickly, you don’t really care what happens to them, and you can’t help but wonder why they’re even there in the first place. They’re nothing but tiny annoyances and easily surmountable obstacles that are just there to get in the way and bother the hero for a very short time.

    NBA Playoff Equivalent

    EAST
    Indiana Pacers

    In true henchman fashion, there’s nothing even remotely spectacular about the Indiana Pacers. It’s okay, though, because they’ll be out of the storyline pretty soon anyway.


    WEST

    Memphis Grizzlies

    Honestly, does a single person care about the Memphis Grizzlies?

     
     
     
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