And Now A Public Service Announcement From Val Kilmer

    April 18, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Val Kilmer Looks Sad

    Hello ladies and gentlemen. I’m Val Kilmer. You might recognize me from my work with double stuffed moonpies and that weekend where I ate nothing but bacon dipped in a rare macadamia fudge. Oh and possibly from things like Batman and the movie about the dead singer.

    I’m here today to talk to you about a very important issue: eating. Every night, 1 out of 5 children go to bed hungry. It’s probably because I ate all of their food. The other four children will be hungry soon enough, I’ve just got to figure out where they hide the spare key to their house.

    Eating is an issue that effects us all, mostly because many of us don’t do enough of it. There is far too much dieting, exercising and dexercising (it’s a new craze, you’ll hear about it soon enough, that involves exercising with all the food you’re not all allowed to eat on a diet. You run high mountains with bags of bacon strapped to your inner thighs, it’s absurd.) People must learn that eating is a privilege and not one that should be taken lightly. Think of all the countries where people are starving. I’ll just think about them, but never go there, unless they manufacture delicious slippers like the ones I’m wearing at this public cafe WHERE THE HELL IS MY BEARCLAW!

    I’m not the only celebrity that understands the importance of eating. Isn’t that right Kirstie Alley?

    Kirstie Alley Falls On Dancing With The Stars

    Well said. Now, in response to the nation’s growing childhood obesity epidemic, I’d like to stand up and applaud. I’d like too, but I’m far too sedentary and honestly I don’t think I’d be able to get back down without breaking this chair. I’ll stay seated, applaud for as long as my body will allow, and congratulate the children for taking such a wise step in ensuring a happy life of eating, over-eating and crushed Oreos on their breakfast cereal.

    According to a report issued by the Institute of Medicine in September 2004, the childhood obesity rate has more than doubled for children aged 2-5 and more than tripled for children aged 6-11 years over the past three decades. I’m cheering for those kids the loudest. Free bearclaws on JESUS CHRIST WHERE THE HELL IS MY FOOD! IT’S BEEN SIX MINUTES AND I’M STILL WAITING FOR A PRE-MADE PASTRY?!? What did you say sir? You, at the table over, you said something? Why don’t I use a Bat signal. OH HAR HAR NEW ONE! Never got a Batman joke before. You’re a pioneer sir. Don’t let the beret fool you I will shove this wicker chair up your pee hole. I promise.

    Where was I? Right. Hang on, gotta slip into a diabetic coma for a second.

    1. Lance says:

      You’re an asshole

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