How To Improve the Masters Tournament

 
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    April 6, 2011 at 10:00 am

    masters tournament golfThe PGA is in desperate need of ways to improve the Master’s Tournament. The prestigious golf championship starts tomorrow, and if the PGA (and the Golf Channel) want to bring in record television viewing numbers, they’re going to have to step up their game and really make the Masters Tournament a spectacle to behold. Tiger Woods has already done his part to bring non-traditional attention to golf, but here are a few ideas that the PGA can utilize to really make the Masters Tournament shine.

    Miniature Golf

    tiger woods mini golfYou wouldn’t take a date to a normal golf course, or have your birthday at a normal golf course. Those activities are reserved for miniature golf courses. Why? Because miniature golf is way more fun than actual golf. I’m not saying that the Tournament should be completely converted to a mini golf course. That would be ridiculous. But would it really hurt them to throw a big steam-breathing cartoon dragon on the 8th putting green of Augusta National? Would it really take that much away from the Masters Tournament if players had to putt through a drawbridge under a giant, comically mis-proportioned windmill to sink their birdie on the 13th hole? Everybody knows that windmills don’t have drawbridges! It’s not like anyone would think it was real!

    Linemen

    football golfThe best thing about golf for its players is that it’s a non-contact game that one plays against one’s self. The worst thing about golf for viewers is that it’s a non-contact game that one plays against one’s self. In terms of televised sporting events, that equals BORING. The quickest, easiest way to spice it up is to borrow from golf’s sister sport, football, and introduce a defensive line who’s mission is to a) block the ball, and b) destroy the golfer. This way, everyone’s happy. There’s a little bit of violence, a little bit of competition, and the medical staff that has to be present at the tournament anyway will have more to do than just give old people water and sit them in the shade for fifteen minutes. Everyone wins!

    Cheerleaders

    golf cheerleaders tiger woodsA sport isn’t a sport until its viewing audience is separated from its players by a line of super hot, scantily clad babes shaking their goodies around and telling you when to be excited. It’s great for the golfers, because they have somebody to show off for (besides the entire nation). It’s great for the fans because, well, they’re staring at old men playing with balls all day. And it’s great for the cheerleaders because it’s an opportunity for increased exposure during the off-season. All in all, there’s no way adding cheerleaders to the Masters Tournament can’t be a good idea, and best of all: it gives super hot chicks and professional golfers a chance to mingle together, which could never end badly, right?

    Better Obstacles

    alligator golfIt’s possible (though not likely) that, when golf was invented in the 1400′s, ponds and piles of sand represented a real danger to humans. But nowadays, it seems stupid to consider these benign landscaping attributes as obstacles, let alone to give them the prestigious title of “hazards”. C’mon, professional golfers: you can’t get a ball out of a duck pond? Sand is a hazard to you? This isn’t the movie Dune, it’s the Masters Tournament. That’s why I’m recommending that the PGA up their danger level a little bit. Let’s put some rabid wild animals out on the course. It’s no longer exciting to see an old man hit a ball into a pond, drop another ball at the edge of the pond, and then hit it again. What is exciting: watching an old man try to play golf while being attacked by a hungry leopard that’s been stalking him the entire morning. Now that’s entertainment.

    A Time Limit

    tiger woods running jogging exercisingTechnically, there is a time limit for the Masters Tournament, but it’s not a concrete rule. Players can be penalized for “undue delay”, but that’s left to the discretion of the Masters Tournament rules committee. Golf’s inherent slowness is what makes it so incredibly boring, so the easiest fix for this problem is to just speed up the game. How many practice swings would those pros be taking if they only have 4 minutes to get through the 8th hole, or 30 seconds to putt from the time their ball stops on the green? It may lead to much crappier scores, but millions of people would tune in just to see Phil Mickelson speeding down the fairway in a golf cart going 60 mph.

    Steroids

    steroids in golfThe forbidden affair between drugs and golf is long overdue. Every other major sport seems to have caught on to the enticing allure that drugs can bring to a professional sporting event. Football players juice up. Baseball players hit the needle. Basketball players are pounding performance enhancers like they’re unwilling girls in hotel rooms. Even NASCAR drivers down jugs of Jumpy Juice before races to enhance their focus. It’s about time golf got it’s fair share of drug controversies, besides the standard sleeping pill and booze addictions. And who knows? Maybe a putting a little beef on those bones will help our PGA favorites pull in the hotter Denny’s waitresses for a change. We can only hope.

     

     
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    Comments
    1. TheReviewer says:

      I get really, really drunk when I play golf.

     
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