7 “For Dummies” Books Made Just For Celebrities

    March 23, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Charlie Sheen going bonkers in a hotel room with a porn star shouldn’t be shocking to anyone in the world. The way he handled the situation afterward should come as a shock.

    “An allergic reaction.”

    Shut up Charlie. The world wasn’t born yesterday. Except for the children, literally, born yesterday.

    Celebs need help in many facets of their lives. PR people and handlers just aren’t getting the job done anymore. It’s time for celebs to brush up with the help of the popular “For Dummies” series. Hell, if they can teach a moron like me about wine and fixing my car, they can teach Lindsay Lohan how to handle rehab.

    Here are seven suggestions for “For Dummies” titles made just for celebs:

    Maybe the problem is that someone should actually sit down and explain exactly how rehab works to every celebrity druggie and drunk. Back up. Maybe the problem is that someone should explain exactly what the word rehab is short for and then explain what the word rehabilitation means to these celebrities. It’s not a vacation or a couple weeks away from the dangers of addiction. They are supposed to get clean, not recharge the batteries for a few more months of kicking their liver in the nuts.

    It could be the fact that they live their lives under a microscope but it’s amazing how often celebs get caught cheating on a spouse. And so fast too. Yet the common Joe out in the world can cheat for years without getting caught, if he/she ever gets caught at all. This For Dummies title with teach celebs to think like the common cheater with suggestions like: don’t sleep with anyone lower than them on the celebrity food chain and never cheat with a person uglier than their current partner. Oh, and never cheat with one or multiple porn stars. They are always the first to blab.

    No kidding, there is actually a Parenting for Dummies available (now in its second edition) but this version should be specially written with the celebrity in mind. Parenting for Dummies (For Celebs) starts off with the basics such as “Why your kid will hate you for naming her Apple” to “How to dress your child gender appropriately” and moves into tougher lessons like “Your kid is going to hate you but it’s only partly your fault.”

    First chapter: “It’s in your best interest to befriend them all.” Second chapter: “Hitting/assaulting them only makes things worse.” Third chapter: “If you’re going to run them over, FINISH THE JOB!”

    Celebrities think the moment they reach a certain level of fame, rules no longer apply. Especially the rule about not looking like a hobo out in public. Eh, screw it. Let them dress how they want, they are probably either on their way to score drugs or rehab anyway.

    It’s rumored that many celebrity couples have open marriages: meaning they are allowed to fool around with other people without the other person getting pissed. Except, the other person ALWAYS gets pissed, and it always ends in divorce. Open Marriage for Dummies first explains why getting married as a celeb is dumb in the first place, but if they still want to take the risk, the book goes into detail regarding what an open marriage is and what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior out of all parties involved. Forward by John Travolta and Kelly Preston.

    Celebs seem to die in the most embarrassing ways. Elvis died on the crapper. David Carradine was hanging in a hotel closet. Tom Cruise’s career in Knight and Day. Celebs need to pass on with a little more decorum. Dying for Dummies explains to celebs how to get their affairs in order, how to keep as many people away from the body as possible and just what message gets sent out to media outlets. Rumor is Charlie Sheen is reading his copy over a cup of Jack Daniels right now.

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