The Easiest Things to Give Up For Lent

 
  •  
     
     
     
    March 9, 2011 at 9:55 am

    For the approximately 1.6 Billion Catholics in the world, the next 40 days are the worst of the entire year. Lent is officially upon us. During Lent, Catholics are urged to abstain from certain self-determined indulgences as a symbol of the return to simplicity and purity. For most modern-day catholics, this translates to giving up a bad habit like smoking, sweets, or constantly comparing people’s relationships to 500 Days of Summer. But don’t worry, Catholics. There’s a better way. Just give up something that’s easy to abandon! Here are some suggestions:

    Give Up Mushrooms

    There are over 14,000 varieties of mushrooms on the planet. Only 5% of them are edible. Another 5% are extremely poisonous. The effects of ingesting a poisonous mushroom are sweating, cramps, diarrhea, confusion, convulsions, and liver damage. Basically, they turn you into a 70-year old man. The rest of the mushroom varieties (90%) are considered “unfit for consumption”, which means they will probably make you puke all over yourself or trip your balls off.  The mushrooms that you can eat are the exception to Mother Nature’s rule of thumb: mushrooms, in general, are either toxic or disgusting. If you’re a mushroom lover, you’re already taking a substantial risk by chowing down on your favorite fungus, so mushrooms should be fairly easy to go without.

    Give Up MySpace

    Myspace is the Pog of the internet. Remember Pogs? They were those little cardboard disks that you and all your little friends would play with. Then the Pog companies got sloppy. They started putting advertisements all over new pogs, and they didn’t keep up with the excitement and innovation of new games like Crossfire, so you just tucked your Pogs away in a corner somewhere and let them sit inside of their plastic tube, never to be touched again. That’s exactly what you did with your MySpace, too. Once a powerhouse networking site, MySpace only drives 9% of today’s social sharing. What better time than Lent to cancel your account and put it to bed once and for all? Good luck remembering that password, though.

    Give Up Watching Women’s Basketball

    The women of the WNBA are good at playing basketball. In fact, they’re fantastic. I’m just not sure that women’s basketball is the best gender equalizer, because they’re going up against this:

    It’s not that women can’t be as good as men when it comes to basketball. It’s that women can’t be as good as NBA players, and that’s an important distinction. NBA players are not human. They’re complete freaks of nature. All of them. They’re 200-pound guys who can fly through the air and run faster than a 4-year old on a sugar high. They’re like wizards! Some of them are actually called Wizards! I know it’ll be tough to tear yourself away from all those Women’s basketball games that you’ve grown to love over your many years of watching Women’s basketball, but give it a rest and try to deal with boring old March Madness for the next month or so.

    Give Up Internet Porn

    Giving up a vice for lent is a self-imposed rule, so you’re completely free to set some flexible qualifications to make Lent more bearable. If you decide to give up all porn, then you’re in it for the long haul and best of luck to you. 40 days is a long time. Do you know what can happen in a womanless prison in 40 days? If you restrict your Lent vice strictly to internet porn, however, then you’ve still got some options. You’ll just have to work a little harder, and that’s really what Lent is all about: making ife a little more annoying for yourself. *Yawn* It’s getting pretty late. I guess I’ll just watch a little late night premium cable before I—OH, WHAT’S THIS?! It looks like porn! Sure, they’re not really doing any of the good stuff, but it’ll be enough to get you where you need to go, especially by day 16 or so.

    Give Up Beer

    By utilizing the Flexible Restriction policy outlined above, you can even make the self-denial of your favorite frosty brew a tolerable endeavor. In fact, the workaround for this Lent vice is way more fun that the vice itself. Norm from Cheers drank beer. James Bond drinks a Martini! Pot-bellied slobs drink lager. Frank Sinatra drank whiskey! It’s easy to avoid beer and still get wasted. In fact, it’s easier to get wasted when you’re avoiding beer. You just have to drink the heavy stuff. It’s more expensive than your normal thirty pack of Milwaukee’s Best, but you don’t have to drink nearly as much to get trashed, so there’s more time to chow down on the chips and guacamole that you’re going to puke up later. Another great plus to replacing beer with hard liquor: it gives you an even bigger vice to give up next year. It’s like your writing your own future.

    Give Up Angry Birds

    Is it possible for any mobile game to be better than Angry Birds? Probably not. Does it help that Angry Birds Seasons is about to release a St.Patrick’s day update? No, not at all. But despite all the dismal-for-Catholics-who-are-giving-up-Angry-Birds-for-Lent-but-great-for-everyone-else Angry birds news, there’s still hope. Angry Birds recently lost it’s longstanding #1 placement in the Iphone App Store. The usurper is a game called Tiny Wings, and while it’s definitely not a full-blown Angry Birds replacement, it’s addictive and cute enough to keep your AB craving satisfied for the next month and a half. Just try to play Tiny Wings at your normal Angry Birds rate, not your “two days following a new Angry Birds update” rate.

    Give Up Lent

    If you’ve got a deficiency of irony in your diet, or if your feeling particularly anti-establishment, you can always give up Lent for Lent. In fact, giving up Lent is probably the easiest thing you could ever give up for Lent, because it means that absolutely nothing changes. You just keep doing things exactly the same way you were doing them yesterday. If you slip up and accidentally, in a moment of weakness, find yourself giving something up, just try to remember that people make mistakes, and that’s really what Lent is all about: making mistakes, feeling powerless to correct those mistakes, and then feeling very guilty about it for a very long time.

     
     
     
    Comments
    1. TheReviewer says:

      I’m Jewish so all I have to do is give up bread for passover

     
    Speak Your Mind
    Tell us what you're thinking... and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!