5 Ways To Cover Up A Hangover At Work

 
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    March 3, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Everyone wants to live the life of a celebrity. Unfortunately, we can’t always get away with the things celebs get away with like; drinking our face off and still being allowed to show up for work. Well, we can drink our face off but show up the next day three sheets to the wind and you’ll probably get canned.

    Here are five suggestions to keep your job until the 5 p.m. whistle blows. They will in no way help to stop the hammers cracking your eyes on the inside of your skulls. Try four Advil and flat soda.

    Get the red out

    The eyes are the window to the liver. Both those organs look like hell right now.  Keep a bottle of Visine at your desk and apply liberally throughout the day. If the are still Cabernet red, throw on a pair of sunglasses and explain to everyone that asks that the eye doctor suggested them for working on the computer. Go into an incredibly long explanation of your eye issues. People won’t care and will walk away. Get a pair of those cataract shades at the pharmacy to really sell the eye issues.

    Ask a trusted coworker if you stink

    Chances are you smell like the bar room floor at closing time. Ask a trusted coworker if you do indeed stink and find some masking agents. Gum is useless. Chew coffee beans and have peanut butter for breakfast. Don’t go crazy with cologne. It’s worse than alcohol.

    Avoid important people

    More than you normally do. Don’t cross paths with anyone that could get you fired. Stay out of the kitchen and break room and only use the stalls in the bathroom instead of urinals. You too ladies.  Only discuss work matters over email and make sure to triple check your words and spelling. There is a big difference between telling someone you want to ‘do lunch’ and ‘do you for lunch.’

    Lie

    Sure it’s cool telling people you went on an all night bender and still made it into work but it’s like playing the game Telephone. You tell Sally from accounting you went out and had a few too many and by the time it reaches corporate the story has become “you are drunk at your desk with a paper clip holder full of booger sugar and a body in your trunk”. If someone says ‘rough night’ you respond with a sob story about breaking up with your girl/boyfriend or your sick pet who you have to rush to the vet because they swallowed a spoon.

    Hide in the restroom

    It’s the safest place to be and no one is going to come searching you out. If they do, tell them you’ve got chronic diarrhea and you wish to be left alone. They will probably do just that and you can sleep off the rest of your day in the last stall.

    God speed. Hope you make it till 5 p.m. Oh, and don’t check your cell phone until your head is completely clear. Damage control is an understatement.

     
     
     
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