7 A**hole Moves Only Celebs Can Pull Off

    January 11, 2011 at 5:00 am

    In my new book A**holeology The Cheat Sheet (available in stores and online today!), I discuss how to act should a person ever come in contact with a celebrity they don’t particularly care for. It’s basically how to out a**hole the more famous a**hole. It’s a tough move, but definitely something the common man can pull off.

    Celebs do a lot a a**hole things. It’s the reason they are famous. They’ve convinced people they are more important than other people just because of some useless talent or skill. It’s actually pretty impressive. It’s also very hard to stop acting like a celeb once a person sees how differently people treat a star.

    There are certain things, a**hole type moves, that only a celeb can get away with. If the average ahole tried it, it probably wouldn’t work. Here are 7 a*hole moves only celebs can pull off.

    Get Busted With Drugs (But Not Really Get In Trouble)

    If the regular guy got busted with drugs with the regularity that some celebs do, they would be in jail for a nice chunk of time. If you’re a debutard heiress or a redhead actress with minimal talent, you either get off with just a warning or get to sleep it off in some cushy rehab. There is another joke for celebs; rehab. It’s like a mini-vacation for these addicts.


    Regular people cheat probably as much as celebrities but isn’t odd how after a while people seem to forget infidelities, especially in the wake of new (and gossipy) romance. Take the newest (s)hit couple Leann Rimes and Eddie Who Cares His Name. They basically got even more famous just by cheating on their spouses. In a years time, no one will really care, unless one of them cheats again.

    Dressing Badly

    Celebs can wear just about anything and either be in fashion or start a trend. Underwear on the head? New for Spring. Pajama pants and a suit jacket to Starbucks? The hot new look. Half naked with their cooch hanging out. Probably Miley Cyrus.

    Requesting Free Stuff

    Celebrities are the last people in the world that need free handouts from companies. Yet, they get them, just to maybe drop a good word about it to all their fans or to be caught carrying/wearing the product in a paparazzi shot. Every read about the schwag in the Oscar gift bags? Obscene. It’s worse when celebs go out of their way to ASK for stuff. Now you’re just being a d-bag people.

    Act Like They Are The First People On Earth To Give Get Married/Give Birth/Divorce

    Seriously, how many thousands of kids are born every day? How many woman get pregnant every day? How many people get married and divorced. The answer is zero. Unless they are famous. If you’re a celeb with a stalled career, just get someone knocked up/get knocked up or get engaged. Your face will be in Us Weekly in a few days. Then they’ve got the nerve to tell everyone else how to raise a child or plan a wedding.

    Dabble In Other Professions

    Most celebs are only good at one thing but the more famous they become for that one thing the more they try to branch out into other forms of entertainment. Not just that, but they get a leg up in that field, just because of their name. Take Kim Kardashian for example (though what exactly her talent is, who the hell knows). She now fancies herself some type of singer, and she isn’t, but because of her fame she will get people to produce, play and sell her records. Meanwhile, talented musicians can’t catch a break.

    Pretend To Be Authors

    Next time your in a bookstore, pick up a book penned by a celeb. Then look really closely at the cover (possibly on the first few pages) and look for words like “as told to” , “with” and “and” next to another person’s name. They are the real author of the book. Our pal Snooki, think she wrote a word of that new book? Nope? She sucked on a bottle of Aqua Net while talking into a recorder and gave it to another human to turn it into English. There are plenty of other people around her pretending to be authors! (Thumbs pointing at my chest)

    Pick up A**holeology The Cheat Sheet now on Amazon.com.

    1. The Eggman says:

      Honestly, until she stops looking like that, Kim can do whatever the hell she wants

    2. brocklanders says:

      I wish “peeing on civilians” was added to this list.

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