6 Things Snooki Wanted To Put In Her New Book (But Was Talked Out Of At The Last Minute)

    January 4, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Snooki’s book A Shore Thing hits shelves today. Luckily, it wasn’t her hitting shelves, because they’d bend under the weight and be stained orange forever. Sadly, the things will probably be a best seller, and further send actual unpublished writers into a deeper drinking binge.

    Snooki wrote the book herself. You can tell because it suck. There were tons of things the little wombat wanted to include in the book but the publishers ended up talking her out of those ideas. Here are a couple..

    Her Cell Phone Number

    She figures a ton of hot guys will be picking up the book, so why not give out her digits in case some of them want to smoosh. What’s the worst that could happen? So she gets a couple thousand phone calls a day, it’s just like when she wrote her number on the Men’s room wall in Penn Station. In every stall.

    Her Diet/Exercise Routine

    Snooki, obviously, takes fitness and diet incredibly serious. A few years back she was diagnosed with a rare medical condition known throughout the medical community as “butter blood.” Basically, Snooki is 40% margarine. Since that time, Snooki has maintained healthy levels of butter blood by avoiding diet and exercise. The publishers talked her out of including it in the final draft because it would be too similar to The Situation’s recent book, as in, both can cause eye cancer if read.

    Naked Pictures

    Of other people she finds hot. Oh you thought we meant her? God forbid. Your eyes would melt onto your cheeks.

    LOL Cats

    Everyone loves LOL Cats. Snooki felt the inclusion of the hysterical pictures would lighten up the heavy subject matter in the book. A reader can’t be expected to finish a chapter about how to look like a living hobbit and dive right into a section on how Snooki doesn’t carry a purse (she keeps all her prized possessions in her hair). People need a breather. LOLCat break!


    Snooki was hoping that the crayons would inspire others to tell their story, just like she was able to do (for a ridiculously large amount of money). Snooki would sit down on the Seaside Heights boardwalk for hours at a time with her crayons and write and write until the sun went down or she had a complete sentence. She wanted two crayons per book, in her favorite colors, Fake Tan Orange and Retard Red.

    Her Master’s Thesis

    She did a fantastic piece about the long term effects of self-tanner and Four Loko on the human brain. She used herself as the guinea pig. While the thesis was a decent idea, four weeks into the project Snooki realized she didn’t have a brain.

    Click here for a much more entertaining book.

    1. da man says:

      So it’s true. Retarded people while slow and dangerous behind the wheel can still serve a purpose. Don’t you go dying on me!

    2. KendraLee says:

      What a gross pig! How does she have a book? These people can’t possibly write it. They’re too busy doin GTL and stuff…

    3. That Dude says:

      Can’t believe they dropped her in a hamster ball on NYE.

    4. The Eggman says:

      She looks like a troll had sex with another troll

    5. J Bob says:

      I admit it, I want to see her naked, just to say I did.

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