6 Things You Won’t Find Under The Tree This Christmas

    December 20, 2010 at 5:00 am

    People usually get what they want for Christmas. Sometimes they even get more than what they want. More than what they need. They get things they don’t even ask for. It’s just how life works. It’s one of the reasons people should expect the unexpected on Christmas morning.

    Of course, there are things you should NEVER expect under the tree. Unless you’re a lunatic. Such as…


    Possibly in a stocking, if your family is a prime candidate for Intervention, but finding drugs under the Christmas tree isn’t going to happen. Drugs are easy to wrap but really hard to gift. I’ve tried. Ended up using them all so I just wrapped up stuff around the house. It is possible to get drug paraphernalia if your parents are dumb enough. Send them into a head shop with a wish list.

    Polar Bear

    Polar bears are grumpy. Mean grumpy. They don’t want to be under a tree unless it’s by choice. People can’t just go and grab polar bears and put them under a Douglas Fir in living room. That’s how lives are lost. Also, kitchen cabinets, because after the bear kills your whole family he is gonna make a bitch out of those Doritos.

    A Giant Bow (Or A Lexus)

    If you, or anyone you know, have ever gotten a new car for Christmas then you’re a spoiled bastard. Unless it’s a used car but “new to you” or your family sells drugs (which is another reason it isn’t under the tree — that’s inventory) no one deserves a brand new car for Christmas. Let alone a Lexus. Since there is no car, there is no need for the giant bow. Unless you’re family are massive jerks. Then it would be kind of funny. “Here is a massive bow around three pairs of socks. The bow cost more than the socks. Merry New Year!”

    Nick Cannon

    Mr. Cannon unfortunately must decline the invitation to be under your tree this year. In past years, with nothing ever going on in his life, Mr. Cannon would have been happy to oblige. This year he is preparing for the arrival of twins. Those twins being Mariah Carey’s massive butt cheeks sitting on his stomach while she eats fast food and waits to have her babies. It’s the same scene from their holiday cards.

    Zubaz Pants

    You know why? Because they weren’t there fifteen years when you begged mom and dad and they won’t be there this Christmas. Only awesome people wear Zubaz bro and you’re far from awesome. You need a swagger. A ‘tude. You ain’t got either. So get out of the yard, cause you can’t hang with the big dogs! Speaking of, Big Dog is also a shirt you’re not getting this Christmas.


    They aren’t under your tree. They are in your basement. Waiting.

    1. That Dude says:

      Pamela Anderson? She did just set the record for most times on Playboy 🙂

    2. The Eggman says:

      I found drugs under the tree once, but they were Grandma’s heart pills. Didn’t even get me buzzed.

    3. brocklanders says:

      A sexy 19 year old girl drunk from Spring Break.

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