7 Things To Watch At The Gym To Appear More Awesome

    December 8, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Not afraid to say I judge people by what they watch on the cardio equipment at the gym. Most of the time, it’s something I’d probably watch, but every once in a while someone will shock me with an absurd choice given the situation.

    People notice what you’re watching at the gym. They are judging you. You’ve got to do something about it. You’ve got to watch specific shows to prove you’re super awesome.

    These are those shows (along with one crazy idea).


    This is a show to help snag the ladies. Every woman, believe it, every woman loves Friends. They love to talk about Friends, giggle about Friends and use Friends to explain things that happen in real life. “This dinner party is like that episode of Friends when Monica and Ross blah blah aneurysm.” Put on Friends while on the treadmill and every woman will notice. Probably just to ask what station it’s on. Hell, at least it’s an opening.


    Now you’ve probably got a preference if you do watch, but choosing a network like Fox News or MSNBC is like picking a side and making a statement that might turn some people off. You’ll be less awesome in the eyes of others. CNN is right down the middle (sort of) and you look super smart catching up on the news of the day. Nod. Stroke your chin. Say things aloud like “noted.” Take notes. Point to the screen while looking at other gym members and nod in disagreement. You’re smartly awesome and a rad person to be around.

    Anything On The History/Discovery Channel

    Watching anything on History or Discovery Channel will make you smarter. Watching anything on the History or Discovery Channel makes you look much smarter than you probably are so the more obscure and boring the programming the better for your quest for awesome. “My God, I get to watch the Fall of The Incas in it’s entirety! What a exceptional Stair Master event this will be!”

    Food Network

    This isn’t so hard because it’s 1) food and 2) usually hosted or involves a hot chick making sex sounds and O faces about pasta. Watching the Food Network means you’re comfortable in your own skin. You can watch Sandra Lee stick gumdrops on store bought strip steaks and still walk around the locker room with your towel off.


    This will hurt. Worse than getting your nuts pinched in the row machine. C-SPAN is broadcast melatonin. A couple minutes and you’ll be out. So, this could get dangerous, but the looks you’ll get from watching C-SPAN might be worth falling asleep on a treadmill and getting sent ass-backwards into a wall. “That guy is watching C-SPAN. He must be a genius. That or his treadmill TV is broken.” Bonus points if you scream out senators names before they give speech. “NICE! Barrasso takes the floor in five!”


    Jeopardy is probably the least painful but most rewarding of all the TV shows to watch at the gym. It’s actually mildly interesting, you can learn something and you appear to be smart and awesome for doing so. Also, you can cheat. You can yell out answers. They will all be correct. They will all be 20 seconds after the correct answers are given through your headphones. Another option is just yelling out any answer, because who the hell is watching or listening to Jeopardy anyway.

    A Blank TV

    Ever see someone doing 7.5 speed on a treadmill or peddling their heart out on a stationary bike with nothing on the screen? Your first thought: holy turds that person is a lunatic. A lunatic or just a person able to get in such a zone that nothing else matters. Either option is acceptable and people will revere you for it. Once the cardio is done, move on to weights wearing only a pair of headphones plugged into nothing. Everyone in the gym will know who you are and you’ll be awesome.

    1. Todd says:

      For some reason I watch Ellen?

      • chrisilluminati says:

        Don’t be ashamed Todd. I sometimes watch Ellen too. It’s fun when she screws with celebs. Especially Dennis Quaid.

    2. Dave says:

      I’d love to see someone watching To Catch A Predator.

    3. That Dude says:

      Jeopardy is cool until you answer a question wrong in front of that hottie.

    4. The Walrus says:

      Stop assuming we go to the gym jerk

    5. J Bob says:

      How about Dora the Explorer?


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