Would You Rather? With Author Phil Villarreal

 
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    November 23, 2010 at 11:00 am

    This week, Phil Villarreal joins EgoTV for his turn at “Would You Rather?” Phil is the author of Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel: 100 Dirty Little Money-Grubbing Secrets

    EgoTV: Would You Rather? Wake up to find you’ve grown non-removeable C-cup breasts OR that your testicles have disappeared?


    Phil Villarreal: Although the ability to motorboat myself would be an interesting novelty, and it would be great to walk into a room and force polite people to ignore my man-boobs, they would cause too many complications. Not that I exercise, but if I did I’d need a sports bra, and that would be too much of a hassle.

    Losing the testicles, on the other hand, has only upside as far as I can see. Permanent birth control, for one. And no possibility of getting testicular cancer. You know, nuts are every man’s greatest treasure, but they’re also the source of so many problems. Put it this way — if you were a robotic video game end boss, your glowing red weak spot would definitely be your boys. And then there are the itching issues and the need to continually adjust them in your pants like a Chinese slide puzzle. There’s the whole machismo thing about “having cajones,” but it’s the man with no cajones at all who you really need to fear, being invulnerable to the sack punch, able to sex it up without the fear of pregnancy, and immune to twisted arrangement disorder and zipper damage. You call him a sackless wonder, but I call him Super Man. Or Captain No Nuts — Chancellor of Ball State University by day, superhero by night.

    EgoTV: Which do you think would be harder to explain to a woman?

    Phil Villarreal: The lack of testicles would definitely be easy to explain to women. I don’t even think she’d notice until a few years into the marriage.

    EgoTV: Would You Rather? If being attacked by 100 unarmed men looking to kill you, have 100 throwing knives OR 5 Molotov cocktails?

    Phil Villarreal: Assuming that action movies are correct in that swarms of bad guys gather around you, sending members of their party to fight you one by one to keep things sporting, I’d rather have one throwing knife than 100 Molotovs. Even if thrown into groups of 20 or more enemies, there’s no way you’re taking everyone out with one shot with a cocktail.

    Your best bet is to use two throwing knives per enemy, sticking each man in the eyes as he comes at you. Then you can get him in a stranglehold, extract the weapons and repeat the effort with the next thug. Hell, even adjusting for misfires and dullness from wear, you’ll probably only need 12 knives to attain ultimate victory. Eventually everyone will be blind and you know what they say about in the land of the blind the one-eyed man being king and all. So use your remaining throwing knife to dislodge one of your own eyes, proclaim yourself their monarch and the blind will not try to fight you out of respect for the crown.

    EgoTV: Would You Rather? Eat one square foot of fiberglass insulation OR a quart of liquid cement

    Phil Villarreal: Since I’m fairly sure both would kill you, I’d rather go down with the insulation, which I can pretend is cotton candy. The trouble with liquid cement is, although it would go down like a milkshake, it would be a horror coming out the other end. I think the insulation would be a lot like beef jerky. Tough, yet forgiving and somehow rewarding. Plus you’d save money on your rib cage’s energy bills.

    EgoTV: What is the oddest thing you’ve ever eaten?

    Phil Villarreal: The oddest thing I’ve ever eaten is probably Play-Doh. My 3-year-old made me a pizza with some and shoved it in my mouth, and I swallowed maybe a third of it. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had worse pizza.

    EgoTV: Would You Rather? X-Ray vision OR the ability to read minds whenever you wanted?

    Phil Villarreal: If Sookie on True Blood has taught us anything, it’s that mind-reading ability — though having some upside — can be more of a curse than anything. 90 percent of what goes on in someone’s head isn’t fit for the consumption of the individual, much less a third party. Mind reading would pretty much just make you hate everyone and get you trapped by an evil vampire at the end of every other episode.

    X-ray vision, on the other hand, has no downside. It will make you alternate-1985 Biff Tannen money at the poker and blackjack tables, giving you your best shot at derailing the plots of that meddlesome Doc Brown and his squeaky little sidekick, Marty, whose mom you’re sick of banging despite the boob job you forced her to get.

    Read more of Phil Villarreal on his blog Because I Told You So, follow him on Twitter or just buy his damn book Secrets of a Stingy Scoundrel: 100 Dirty Little Money-Grubbing Secrets

     
     
     
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