Ok, So I Own The Batvan, But Now What?

    November 18, 2010 at 5:00 am

    First purchase after my book goes double platinum gold or whatever awards books get when they sell a ton is a luxury automobile. Sports cars are for men with small skin flutes and women dating men with small skin flutes. I needed a statement ride.

    Bing. Oh. Yes.

    I know what you’re thinking “moron, that ride only makes the statement that you think you’re Batman.” Seemingly. Seemingly. To the naked eye it would appear as though I’m actually the Caped Crusader or I’m on my way to Comic-Con and will be working Booth 434 right near the anime section. A vehicle like this Batabego or Batbus or what have you makes a much bigger and bolder statement. It says, in so many words, that this guy is so filthy sloppy rich he had the nerve to drop a hunk of cash on four wheeled nerdgasim wagon. He must have money coming out of the Batcave in his underwear to offered a vehicle so visually obtrusive. Men will envy my existence. Women will realize they will live an incomplete life unless they bed me immediately. All in due time dolls, I’ve got a couple stops to make.

    First on the list, all the crappy jobs I’ve worked since high school. I’ll visit a place a day, wait until 5pm to speed into the parking lot, roll down the windows with the Girl Talk bumping and yell “Hey everyone, how was work? What? Can’t hear you. Let me turn down the music and turn up my Bat-I-don’t-really-give-a-crap-hearing-device. I’d love to join you all for Happy Hour at the Chili’s but my entire life is happy and it doesn’t all fit in one hour. Well, gotta bolt. Time to fight some crime and count all the nickels in my swimming pool. Toodles!”

    I’m sure Mapquest can help plan exactly how to visit every ex-girlfriend. I’m not sure if I should use Fastest Route or Maneuver Most Likely To Moisten The Panties. “Oh hey Sally! Do you live in this neighborhood? That’s ca-ra-zee. I was just zooming by in my Batvan and thought ‘this block is so nice, I might buy it and put up a prison or a Sam’s Club.’ I’m so glad I ran into you I can see you’re still a fan Oreo smoothies. Hang on, Batphone is ringing…’Hello! Hey Kaley Cuoco, I’d be happy to show you how I Big Bang..'” (slowly pull away) I hope my parents are home. My dad has to wash this thing before I crash a couple weddings.

    (phone in van actually rings)

    But this isn’t…
    But I’m not…
    Be there in about an hour.
    Dude, I need to gas up! You think this van runs on air!?! Cool down I’ll be there soon. It’s not like MORE people will die if I don’t hurry.

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