7 Treats To Give Out On Halloween (After You Run Out Of Candy)

    October 29, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Treats to give on Halloween

    It happens every Halloween; even though you’ve bought bags upon bags of candy you run out of treats half way through the night. You’ve got two choices; you can either shut off the porch light and hope no one eggs your house because you stopped answering the door at 8pm or you can run out to the store for a few more bags.

    It’s time to add a third option; giving out some of the useless crap around your house as treats. All the stuff collecting dust on the shelves or cluttering up the basement because you’re too lazy to toss it on the curb. One man’s junk is another man’s treasure. In this scenario the other man happens to be a 7-year-old boy standing on your front step dressed like a ninja (but for some reason is carrying a pitchfork).

    Here are the some common household items that can be used as treats and dumped into a trick-or-treater’s bag on Halloween.


    DVDs on Halloween

    Honestly, when is the last time you watched half of those movies? Smokey and the Bandit is still in the wrapper. Grab a handful of DVDs and hand them out to anyone who knocks on the door. Make sure to distribute them according to the look of the child; the little fat girl down the street should get the copies of Tae Bo with Billy Blanks while Devon from across the street is in the middle of a custody battle so let him have the copy of Kramer vs. Kramer. Why the hell did you even buy that flick? You thought it was a Seinfeld spin-off? Dope.


    Spices on Halloween

    Ever notice that every house has a hundred different bottles of spices in the cupboard yet about 10% of them ever get used. Mustard seeds don’t get many calls to the mound. Grab the bottles you use the least and put them in some candy lugging Jack-O-Lantern. “Oh, wow, you’re a little Lady Gaga. Adorrrbbbzzzzz. Here, have some tarragon.” Last kid that comes a knocking gets the actual spice rack.

    Junk Mail

    junk mail

    Hundreds of pieces of junk mail delivered to the house daily. Don’t just throw it away. It’s called recycling. Tell the trick-or-treating brats that while you don’t have any more Baby Ruth bars, this Coupon Clipper mag has great deals on bulk candy and then a free evaluation from a local dentist when their teeth fall out before high school. Ohhhhh $5 off the China buffet! Save that one!

    Wedding Gifts

    wedding gifts

    How many serving dishes does a woman need? No more than one, unless you ask an actual woman, then the answer is usually somewhere north of one billion. You don’t need all that silverware, all those frames that say “Perfect Love” and you certainly don’t need the Magic Bullett (seriously, of all the things to buy when straying off the registry..the farking Magic Bullet??) Double bonus for you if the gifts are still wrapped. This way, the kiddies won’t realized they got screwed until they get home.


    Pile of Leaves

    Ahh fall. Raking leaves until your fingers bleed. Piles of them sitting in front of the house until next spring. If you use those leaves as a trick-or-treat gift it’s the greatest Going Green move ever. Al Gore just called. He loves you. Long distance smooch. Now, you can’t just shove handfuls of leaves into candy bags so here is a little trick; all those candy wrappers on your dining room table (it’s no wonder you ran out fat face) well just shove the leaves into them and tape them up good as knew. Sure it’s not really a Snickers, but it’s a little piece of nature, and that’s the true meaning of the season.

    Dryer Lint

    dryer lint

    Straight from the filter. Nice and warm and pliable into different shapes. Lint. All the cool kids eat it.


    Condoms for Halloween

    Who doesn’t want to promote safe sex when kids are involved? We’ve all seen Teen Mom. Enough of that, it’s time for these third graders to start wrapping it up. Babies having babies is not helping the population. “Those are ribbed–for her pleasure. Oh that is a problem. Especially at your age. Hang on, I think I’ve got a travel sized KY jelly in the medicine cabinet.” If you don’t use condoms you can also substitute with other birth control devices or a picture of your mother naked. No one will want to have sex after seeing that.



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