The road trip movie has long been one of my favorite subgenres in cinema. Deciphering a metaphoric analogy doesn’t come any easier in film, which is probably a big reason as to why I enjoy these types movies as much as I do. Characters endure an outward quest filled with outrageously difficult obstacles that often reflect an epiphanous voyage of self-discovery. Journeys of change that usually take entire lifetimes occur in a matter of weeks, days, hours, and moments.

Another reason I probably enjoy them so much is because I’ve never been part of a road trip that came even close to life altering. Sure, there have been some memorable ones, but the memories tend to be the kind that involves rash-inducing swazz due to hours of torturous heat in a vehicle that lacked functional air conditioning; or peeing through a soda bottle opening that did more to remind me of  just how small my penis is than any interracial porn I’ve ever seen. Anyway…on to the list of road trips movies (before I start to recollect anything else that makes me want to asphyxiate myself)!

Darjeeling Limited

I’ve never been a huge fan of riding trains. The scenery is almost always drab and boring, the food offerings are limited, and flying makes so much more sense 99% of the time. However, a train ride through India with the Whitman Brothers could change my perspective. Enjoying coitus at high speeds with a foxy Asian lady is on my to-do list of sexual shenanigans; owning a cobra has always been a dream of mine (so is rescuing a drowning Indian boy in its most literal sense, oddly enough); and there are few things at this point in my life that would be more emotionally gratifying than to embark on a road trip with my brother where we grew closer as siblings.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

One of the road tripping advantages to living in Southern California is the proximity to Las Vegas. World famous sinful indulgences are mere hours away. Thousands of people make the drive on a weekly basis but I can guarantee that most of these people’s drive pale in comparison to the trip that Mr. Thompson (or Duke if you want to get technical) takes with Oscar Acosta (Dr. Gonzo). I’ve never partaken in any psychotropic substances but have always been very curious of them. Who better to take that trip with than Hunter S. himself?

Little Miss Sunshine

Seeing as how my Grandfather can’t speak any Engrish, I can say without worrying that he isn’t quite as cool as Grandpa Edwin Hoover. That’s not to say that my Grandpops isn’t, because he is very cool in his own right. However, I can only imagine the kind of life lessons I would learn from Mr. Hoover – like don’t snort heroin and have as much underage sex as you possibly can while you can still get it legally.

Almost Famous

Can you think of anyone who had a more amazing adolescent experience than Cameron Crowe had while writing for Rolling Stone? He was hanging out with rock stars and experiencing their lifestyle at fifteen. Whereas the highlight of my daily routine as a fifteen year-old was jerking off underneath my blanket when everyone else fell asleep. The only time it ever got better than that was when I got to jerk it twice.

National Lampoon’s Vacation

The combination of excitement from every familial road trip I ever took with my parents and brother wouldn’t add up to an ounce of the Griswolds experienced in their adventure. Also, I still remember watching this movie for the first time and the excitement I felt after learning that Wally World was a real place; only it was disguised as Magic Mountain in real life. I forced my brother to take me there one summer despite his warnings of my being too vertically challenged at the time to enjoy most of the rides.  It didn’t matter though, because any place that held the kind of promise that could motivate the Griswolds to endure what they did had to be the most wonderful place in the world.

Sideways

I’m not a wine drinker by any means (I know – I’m not a lot of fun things) but I remember an overwhelming urge to drink some Pinot Noir while simultaneously throwing a bottle of Merlot against the wall.  I’ve also always found the drive through Central California to be quite boring, and I guess I still do, but at least I think of this movie now every time I make it. I can only hope that whoever ends up my Best Man amongst my stable of friends will offer me a gift more awesome than Miles. Considering the group of assholes I call friends though, that’s very much wishful thinking.

Y tu Mamá También

If you’ve already seen this movie, then I’m sure you could venture an accurate guess as to why I’d love to experience this road trip. However, if you haven’t, I’ve got some French words for you – Ménage à trios! I’m just kidding. There’s two swords in this film’s threesome, and unless Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds want me for some Eyes Wide Shut kind of sh*t, then you can count me out for MMF. However, like most healthy seventeen year-olds, a debaucherous trip to a Mexican beach where sex with a Latin cougar reigns is a fantasy come true. Additionally, interwoven through the film’s narrative is commentary of Mexico’s then shift in political ideology. So not only is there sex involved, but a lesson in world politics too!

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Best road trip movie ever? Possibly. Funniest use of excessive profanity in a single scene ever? Probably.  Lazy, anti-climatic writing on my part? Most definitely. This was one of the funniest movies I had ever seen when I saw it initially, and it still is when I watch it every Thanksgiving. Holiday travel would be exponentially more entertaining if it involved the kind of craziness that took place in this film.